Musings of My Heart

Writing

2012-02-12T18:22:00.000-08:00

Once upon a time I was a writer, maybe not a good one, but a writer, nonetheless. I wrote poems. I wrote letters. I wrote book reports. I wrote in a journal. I wrote stories. I loved writing. Then, life changed. The friends I was writing letters to came home. I was no longer in school so reports weren't required anymore. I didn't make time for poems and stories to be created. My writing consisted of a few e-mails here and there and that was about it. I was a faithful journal writer. I have a number of journals that I filled with teenage angst. That has slipped too.

Some years ago I discovered blogging. I started one about my family. I wanted a way for my extended family and those members who didn't live close, to see what we were up to. Shortly after, I started a second blog where I could write more about my thoughts and feelings, my personal blog (this blog).

How did I let this happen? Like I said, much of it was let go when I was no longer in school. Even writign I did for fun, I quit. When I got married and began having children they took much of my time and energy.

Lately I've been realizing how much I have missed writing. I have whole discussions in my head. Whole papers are narrated in my mind. I never get the words written down, though. That needs to change.

My oldest girls are at an age where they are learning to write. They are learning to narrate stories back to me, and to make up their own stories. It is so fun to watch them! I love reading about their imaginary adventures. It is so interesting to read about how they see the world. I've been reminded of the joy of a story coming together on the paper in front of me.

I've also been reminded of the importance of writing down thoughts and stories for my kids and future grandkids to read years down the road. History is simply one big story and I want my part of it to be recorded. I will write again. Now, what do I write about?

2012 is Our Year

2012-01-18T17:19:00.000-08:00

The best words to describe the last two years is that they have been learning experiences. I can't say that all of those experiences have been very enjoyable, but we sure have learned a lot from them. This year some of that is going to change, I just know it. We have a lot of learning experiences yet to go through, but I believe that more of them will bring smiles to our faces. My sweet husband is embarking on a new career in a field that we have very minimal experience in. Yet, the opportunities are amazing, if we just work hard and stick to it. So, we will do just that. I am fully prepared to support him in whatever he needs me to do. I will be fine with him working long hours and coming home late, grateful that he is coming home instead of staying in a hotel like he did much of last year. I learned that I can take care of a lot of things around the house that he normally took care of, so I can help him that way too, and I will be very grateful for the weekends when he can help me. There is so much potential in our future and I am very excited to see where we are going. We are putting together some plans and goals for our life. For the first time in a long time they actually seem attainable. That feels amazing! The next couple of months I believe will be quite trying for us, but I hope to soon be able feel like I can breathe again. I look at all of the things that have happened in the past two years and how they have led us to where we are now. I am grateful for some of those challenges which I can now view as blessings. I am grateful for all of the things they taught me, all of the lessons I learned, but I'm also ready to enjoy the good things that come from learning those lessons.

That brings me to what I want to have happen this year. I've wavered back and forth on the idea of New Years Resolutions. On the one hand, if you need to change, do it now. On the other, a goal without a time line is just a dream. It seems like the New Year is just as good a place to mark time as any. So, this year I have a lot of things I want to do. I want to paint some more of my house, specifically my hallway and my bedroom. I want to make a new quilt for my bed. I want to grow either kale or swiss chard in my garden this year, along with other favorites that I already know how to grow. I have a goal to attend the temple more often this year. I don't have a specific number of times right now, but I will take that up with the Lord. I want to get some shelves installed in my sewing room. I still want to eliminate more of the "stuff" from our house. I also want to plant some more flower beds outside so that we can have pretty colors next summer. Along with those, I have lots and lots of things I want to do, but I'm not sure when I want to have them done by or what priority they really are for me. And of course, there are the things that my husband and I have decided together, like planting more grass, raising chickens for meat, and maybe even going in with my brother on a cow for meat. He has a lot more plans for the outside that I mostly just give him my input on, but he will be doing most of the work, so I let him figure more of it out.

The best thing is, I have such a feeling of hope for this year. Last year I clung to faith, believing that things would get better because we were doing the best we could. This year I feel like we've passed some kind of test and while there are more tests to come, we will be getting a reward for the ones we've already passed. I don't know if that makes sense, but honestly, I will take these feelings of happiness and go with it. Words cannot describe the feelings of peace and love that the Spirit of the Lord can bring to you, even when life doesn't make sense and you wonder where all the good things have gone. Thirteen months ago I gained a greater understanding of the word "despair" and now I hope to understand better what the word "hope" means also.

Who do I resemble?

2012-01-17T14:24:00.000-08:00

I read a blog the other day where the author asked what fictional character you felt like you resembled, or that you could associate yourself with. Well, I have a list of character that I wish I was more like, but I could not think of one, or even 2 that I felt I could compare myself to, until I read another person's response. They referenced a short children's story, that reminded me of a book I really like.

I'll Do Better Tomorrow, I Promise by Maurine Reynolds Adamek. The book goes through the day of a little boy and all of the ways he tried to help, but ended up trying is mother's patience. At the end, the little boy is feeling kinda bad, but then the mother prays for forgiveness and promises to do better tomorrow. I feel like that so many days. I look back on the times I lost my patience, on the times when I wasn't as understanding as I could have been and think about how I could have done things differently. This unnamed mother is probably the fictional character that I think I am most like.

The Blahs......

2012-01-15T15:49:00.000-08:00

I have the winter blahs. Not to be confused with the winter blues. No, I am just really cold all the time. It seems that very little of what I do seems to work to get me warm. I will take a warm bath, but as soon as I get out, I'm cold again. I dress in layers every day. Changing my socks works for a while, but then I get cold again. I am really missing warmer weather. (At the same time I'm hoping for snow because it is January in Idaho and that is what is supposed to happen). Also, I am so tired. I think it has something to do with shorter days. During the summer I could get up early and be busy most of the day and still have energy in the evening. Now, I'm falling asleep almost before we put the kids to bed, and I have to drag myself out of bed in the morning. It doesn't help that I'm snuggled up to the hubby and he's warm. I need to get up earlier, I get so much more accomplished in the mornings, but I just don't have the motivation to get out of bed, especially when I'm so cold.

2011 Review

2011-12-31T07:44:00.000-08:00

I had one goal this past year, to simplify my life. I think I did well in some areas, and not so good in others. On another blog instead of defining new goals, she looked at the things she did get done this past year. I like that idea, so, here's some of what I did:

I did clear out a bunch of "stuff" from my house. I went through our books and purged the ones that I felt were less needed and filled the shelves with more substantial reading, including children's stories. I also went through my clothes and some of the kids clothes. We have gotten rid of more toys than we have accumulated this past year which is also good.

I gained a new appreciation for single moms and learned I can make it on my own when my husband has to travel for a week or two at a time.

We still had family scripture study and family prayer while husband was gone.

I learned how to split wood.

I extended the life of many of my girls pairs of pants and shirts by turning them into skirts and dresses. I also patched many of my son's pants and made the patches look cool.

I read a number of "classic" books that were on my to-read list.

I don't know what the New Year will bring, but I hope to keep on improving in all areas. I think that is my all time goal and doesn't just go from January to December. Of course, the specifics will change, as will the focus, at different times. I just want to end 2012 a better person than when I started.

Struggling With a Few Things

2011-11-16T06:31:00.000-08:00

As I mentioned before, I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Lds or Mormon). Our leaders a number of years ago issued a statement about some of our beliefs. They called it The Family: A Proclamation To The World. In this Proclamation it states:

We further declare that God has commanded that the sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between man and woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife.

and

Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity.

These are things that my parents taught us since we were little. I know many other families teach similar things to their children. Sometimes kids listen and sometimes they don't. I did, my sister didn't.

Right now my sister is pregnant. She is not married and right now there is no chance of her marrying the father of her baby because he is married to someone else. It doesn't matter that he was separated from his wife when he helped my sister sneak out of the house in the middle of the night to go and live with him. After getting her pregnant he decided that he still loved his wife and wanted to get back together with her and basically told my sister to take a hike. What a charming guy, huh?

Right now I am all kinds of torn up inside. I am mad at my sister. I am mad that she has betrayed us. I am mad that she is using my parents. I am upset because she seems to think that this is all okay and she doesn't see anything wrong with living with a married man and getting pregnant by him. I love my sister, she is family after all. I want to help her though this because I know pregnancy can be really hard. I don't want my sister to think that I think this is in anyway okay, though. It would be a difficult situation at best, but you also add to the fact that my sister has a mental disorder and she cannot take her medication while she is pregnant.

If I lived far away this would be a mute issue. I would let her and my parents and whoever deal with it and I wouldn't have to hardly see or talk to my sister. That isn't the case, though. She lives with my parents, who live about 25 minutes from me. It's the holiday season and we are getting together fairly often, and right now she is staying with me. My parents are having some remodeling done on their house so my sister is staying at mine for a week or maybe longer. I get to see my sister every day. She eats meals with us. She reads with us when we have family scripture time and family prayers. My kids beg her to read them stories and after bed times she and I chat until it's time for me to go to sleep. I know this can all be a wonderful opportunity to bond with my sister, but it's also stressing me out. I don't like confrontations and I am not comfortable when she starts talking about the baby. I think that baby deserves something a lot better than being raised by my sister. She is also in contact with the father's family quite often. She will quite frequently refer to them as her family also. She calls his mother "Mom" and tried to tell my children that his niece was her niece. I did correct that one, but maybe not in the nicest way. It just galls me. I don't want things to be uncomfortable since she will be here for a while, but I don't want her teaching my children that it's okay to have a baby and not be married, in fact, not have anything to do with the baby's father. I am trying to teach my children the values I was raised with. At the same time, I want to teach my children to love people, even if you don't love their actions. We believe that we are all sons and daughters of God and therefore all brothers and sisters. I don't want to confront my sister but I don't think I can go on and just change the subject whenever she brings something up that is uncomfortable. I am just so unprepared to handle this.

I know my children will learn more from my actions than from things I say so I want to teach them right. I want to teach them to stand up for their beliefs, and teach them to respect that others may believe differently. I want to teach them to be good parents, and that means thinking about your children more than yourself. I want to teach them that being a parent is a wonderful thing, but it's not something to get into on a whim, it's also a very challenging job. I don't want to teach them to run from, hide from, or avoid all confrontation (which is what I like to do). It's not good to go out seeking an argument or fight, but some things need to be stood up for and that may mean standing up to someone. Maybe I'm just too nice.

I Have Seen a Miracle

2011-10-30T06:38:00.000-07:00

I have seen a miracle. A friend of mine's son died a week ago. Through modern medicine and the power of God he is alive today. After he died his heart was shocked back into working, but it was only working at 10%. His organ were shutting down and they had to cool down his body and then warm it up again. My friend was told first that they didn't expect him to make it. After they cooled his body down she was told that they didn't expect him to wake up. A friend of the boy, who is a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, asked him if he would like a priesthood blessing. He said yes. I talked to my friend a couple hours before the blessing, she is not a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. She was so worried. Her son was awake, but was hooked up to tubes and monitors. She didn't know what was going to happen and she was so worried. The next day I got a quick note saying her son was talking and then the following day she told me he was going to be released the next day. I saw them on Saturday. He was walking, talking and acting like a normal 19 year-old boy. I wanted to cry happy tears. Me and my family were all praying for my friend and her son. I know there were many others praying as well. The doctors and nurses have never seen anything like it. His heart went from 10% to 100% in less than 5 days. He has suffered some memory loss, and they are still monitoring him, but his is alive and functioning. He can sit and visit with friends and family, he was playing with my daughter. It is a miracle, and I am humbled to see it.

Monday's Miracles

2011-10-17T18:21:00.000-07:00

It's Monday again! I'm undecided on my feelings for Monday. I love that after a crazy weekend it's a chance to jump back into routines again, but it also means that I have to get back to doing laundry.

1. Shovels. Out here in the country they are especially useful
2. Straws. Did you know you can make a whistle out of a straw? My mom taught me that. I have not taught my children that yet, though.
3. Aunts and Uncles. My kids love theirs, and I am grateful for all they do for my kids.
4. Canning. I love that I can preserve my summer bounty to eat during the cold winter months. I also love that it tastes so much better than stuff I buy from a store.
5. Clear Vinyl. We put a map on our table and used some clear vinyl as a tablecloth. The kids love looking for countries and seeing the different flags of each country.

My Right to Think and Believe

2011-10-16T16:39:00.000-07:00

A friend posted a random question on Facebook that got me thinking. He asked if people believed free thinking would send them to Hell. A little off the wall question but the short discussion that followed got me thinking.

My basic answer to that question is no, I don't believe that thinking something through, or studying it will send you to Hell. I do believe that our brains were given to us for us to use. We should study things out and decide if they are good or bad. That being said, we are responsible for our thoughts. If we know something is bad and we continue to think about it that could have a negative impact on our salvation.

It was also asked why were some religious people taking it WAY too seriously? I don't have an answer to that. I know what I believe. I would consider myself a religious person. I belong to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, sometimes referred to as "Mormons". I go to church every Sunday. As a family we pray over meals and read scriptures together at night before kneeling as a family for prayer again. I attend our temples as often as I can and quite often participate in week day church activities. Yes, I would classify myself as religious. That being said, I realize that not all good people believe the same as I do. I know many people who would classify themselves as more spiritual than religious. These are good people. I believe in what our 11th Article of Faith says,

"We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may."

Of course I would be overjoyed if everyone in the whole world decided to join my church. I would love for the world to hold to the same virtues and standards and beliefs that I have, but that isn't the case. I will defend my beliefs and stand up for the things that I think are right and stand against the things I think are wrong. If someone tries to take away my freedoms I will defend that.

Case in point. A while ago there was a bill on a state's ballet that would legalize marijuana. Now, I am not a supporter of any addicting substances. I don't drink or smoke. For those reasons, I would have voted against the measure, but I can understand why people would vote for it. I don't believe that would have taken away any of my freedoms unless by passing it grocery stores that sell tobacco would also be required to also sell marijuana and I didn't want to do that. If it was telling me I would be punished for not agreeing to sell something I didn't believe in, that would be taking away my freedoms.

There has been a lot of discussion on Proposition 8 from California. As with the stance of my faith, I don't believe homosexuality is right. I grant that those feelings and urges are real for a number of people, but I still don't agree with it. I may believe that a relationship is wrong without believe that the people in the relationship are bad people. Going along with the above quote, I believe that people may think and choose according to the dictates of their own conscience, but please don't punish me for disagreeing with you. I don't care who you have a relationship with. I do care that you want me to have to accept it as okay and normal. If the state wants to accept such unions as valid, fine, but please don't make my church perform the union if we don't believe in it.

In summary to the discussion, we should all use our minds and intellect to think about and ponder issues. We should study it out in our minds and then act according to our conscience. We should also realize that others may come to a different conclusions, they come from a different background and may have different information. Above all, we should realize that all people should be treated with love and respect.

A quote a friend once told me in college really stuck with me. It was something like this "Please don't judge me because I choose to sin differently than you do". It's true. We are all sinners.

Monday's Miracles

2011-10-10T15:51:00.000-07:00

1. Babies. They are so cute and sweet and innocent. A good reminder of how precious life is.

2. A living prophet to guide us, encourage us, and teach us.

3. Heaters. I'm so glad I don't have to rely solely on fire to keep me warm.

4. Electric lights. Seriously something I take for granted way too often.

5. My vacuum. I seriously love that I have one that works. Since my husband and kids love all this carpet it's good to have a vacuum, especially when you have inside pets.

Motivation

2011-09-29T06:58:00.000-07:00

I have lost my motivation. Is that something you lose, or something you make? Either way, I have very little right now. For a few weeks I was getting up early, letting the dogs out, coming in, reading scriptures, some light exercising, and then doing my computer stuff, all before the kids woke up. Now, I'm lucky to be up before the kids. My alarm goes off, and I go back to sleep, or to at least laying in bed longer. The worst part is when I can't go back to sleep, I know I won't go back to sleep, and yet I still don't get up. This bout of laziness is just horrible!

I know the best thing to do would be to just push through it. When my alarm goes off, get up and get moving. Make myself DO something productive, anything productive. Where is my willpower? It's a vicious cycle. The more I don't do anything, the less motivation I have to start, but once I do start, I know it will be easier to do it again. With the days getting shorter, though, I'm missing the sun as my cue to awaken. I'm sure there has to be some kind of scientific study that states it's harder for people to wake up early when the sun is coming up later and later. Maybe I can find that study and see if they have any advice for me.

Just tell me and I'll do it

2011-09-01T20:53:00.000-07:00

As a Mom, don't you just love it when you step into the bathroom and all of a sudden all of your kids have questions that need answered RIGHT NOW! I know I can't be the only one this has happened to. This happened, again, to me the other day. My son was trying to ask me a question. Well, normally I am pretty good at understand 4 year old speak, and my 4 year old does speak fairly clearly, but through a door when I have something else on my mind, I wasn't hearing him very well. I was trying to tell him to just wait a few minutes, I would be out soon and then I could answer his question. Then, I heard very clearly through the door "Mom, just tell me and I'll do it!" I did finally understand what he was asking me, and I gave him an answer, but his response really stuck with me. It impressed itself so firmly in my mind that I had to take a dry-erase marker that was near by and write it on my mirror so I wouldn't forget. (Hey, having dry-erase markers in the bathroom really is not that strange, is it?) It's now been there for over a week and I keep looking at it.

The thing is, I know I could have told my son just about anything and he would have done it. He was asking me where to put the shells when he peeled his hard-boiled egg. I could have told him to peel it outside and he would have done it. I could have told him to put the shells into a bowl, peel it over the trash, or put them all into a plastic bag to scatter in the rocks of the driveway and he would have done it. It wouldn't have mattered how silly they may have sounded to him, he would have done what I told him. How often are we as willing to listen?

How often do we pray or ask for advice, but we are only willing to do what we are told if it fits in with what we want to do? We pray for guidance and assistance, but then when we get our answers we decide maybe we didn't really need help, that couldn't be what we need to do. My son may not have understood the reason for pealing his egg outside (so the shells didn't make a mess inside), but he would have trusted me and done it. Do we have enough trust to just go forward and do it? I'm not sure I do, but when Jesus told us to be as little children, I think may have been part of what he meant. I know that thanks to my son's innocent remark I will be thinking more about my willingness to do and maybe quit trying to guess the reasons why and just trust.

Anxiety Attacks

2011-08-30T06:02:00.000-07:00

I don't know how many people deal with anxiety issues, but I know I am among them. I would imagine it's a lot higher than most people realize. There are probably many people who are like me that know there is something going on with them, but don't have a name for what it is. At one point in time I was worried that I had depression, which is common in my family, and I went in to see a doctor. They actually diagnosed me with anxiety. So, now I have a name to define what I'm feeling.

I've dealt with anxiety for a long time. I remember in college that there was a co-worker who made my life at work kinda miserable. I would shake and cry before going into work if I knew she was working with me. At another time in life I had a friend who was emotionally draining and I would have anxiety attacks after an evening of spending time with this friend. I'm not on any medication for my anxiety (the one time they put me on some I had side affects that I really didn't like so I quit taking it). I've learned a few coping strategies that work for me, though, and usually my anxiety is fairly mild. If it ever got worse I would seek medical help, but for now I'm mostly okay.

I have learned something about my anxiety attacks. Most of them occur around moments of confrontation, either real or imagined. Some happen after the fact, like the time I got yelled at for not letting someone pick something up because they couldn't give me their receipt saying they bought it. Some happen when I imagine a confrontation, like my former job. There have been a few exceptions, like a change I wasn't expecting. But overall, most of my anxiety attacks are a result of confrontation. While I'm in the midst of it I'm usually okay, it's always either before or after the fact that I start shaking, my heart starts racing and I feel like I'm going to be sick or cry, or both.

So, unless I closet myself away (which isn't healthy for me or my family) there is no way that I can avoid confrontation. The question I have, then, is how do I handle those confrontations without having an anxiety attack? Case in point. I have a cousin who was baptized. I told my aunt a few weeks before that we would probably be coming. I realized just a few days before that I hadn't told her for sure, and I didn't know if she would have room for us. I didn't want to assume that I could just show up at her house and have her put me and my kids up for the night, when I knew that there were already going to be quite a few people staying at her house. The idea of calling up my aunt to ask if we could stay at her house made me sick to my stomach and almost made me want to quit the idea of going altogether. That does not seem rational to me, especially because when I did call her she was planning on me coming and was making arrangements for my family. This was just a small thing, all I had to do was make a quick phone call, but it made me sick to my stomach, and this was a family member, who I know loves me. It can be even worse if I have to call a stranger.

I know stress is also another trigger. I don't have nearly as many attacks when my stress level is low as I do when it is high. Yet, I don't know how to get rid of the stress either. I just want a Utopian world where life runs smoothly, people are nice to each other and doing your best is all that anyone asks of you. I know that this isn't going to happen anytime soon and that we can't grow stronger without meeting some kind of resistance. I just wish I had a text book with answers for my own personalized life that said, when A happens understand that B is the reason, and do C. Since I don't ever see that book being published I will just have to hone my coping skills and hope I make the right choices.

What I have realized I need to do when these times come is to take a step back, first. I look at what is going on. Have I blown things out of proportion? Is there another solution to my dilemma? Depending on the situation and how physically sick I am, I often will call someone I know who has a calmer head than me. In college it was my mom and she could talk me through it. Now it is usually my husband, but if he isn't available, my mom is usually there, and if no one else can help me my Heavenly Father is always there. Often though, he sends me help in the form of my husband and mom. After taking that step back I can usually figure out if I have real reasons for not wanting to do something, or if they are imagined. Then, if it is all in my mind, I take that scary first step. Once I start then my survival instincts kick in and I'm good. I have noticed that very few times once I am in the middle of something do I have problems. Or, if it is after the fact, I try to let it go and just move on with my life, what's done is done.

I can also do some things to make it so that my mind isn't so easily beset by these plaguing thoughts. For me I am much calmer if I get enough sleep. This means, in my case, not staying up really late, and getting up early. I need quiet meditation time and about the best time for me is in the morning before my children wake up. I take this time to watch the sunrise and relax in the glory of this wonderful world. I read my scriptures and find strength and peace in them. I pray. Another thing that really helps me is to have a clean house. When my surroundings are neat and peaceful, it's like an extension of my mind, calm and peaceful. This isn't always easy to do with 4 kids, but I can usually find at least 1 room of my house that I can retire to when I am feeling a little frazzled and I can regroup.

This is what I have found to work for me. How about you? Do you suffer from anxiety? How do you deal with it?

Monday's Miracles

2011-08-29T07:17:00.000-07:00

1. Crock-Pots. I have to say this week I am grateful for these. We have 2 different kinds of slow cookers and it is so nice to be able to come home to the house smelling yummy and food waiting to be eaten.
2. Planned Leftovers. I love the idea of cooking something once, but making it stretch into two meals. In my case, it was the chicken from the crock-pot.
3. Sprinklers. Summer times makes sprinklers all the more fun when it's hot. They are also great for watering grass seed, for what will hopefully be more lawn.
4. Colored Pencils. I love these so much that even when I get the kids some for school, I have some of my own. Plus, what else can I use to keep my kids so busy for so long?
5. Cups. They aren't just for holding beverages. I have learned that you can use them to catch honey bees and then release them outside. You can also capture small cars under them I'm learning.

Monday's Miracles

2011-08-22T21:16:00.000-07:00

1. Ginger. It's wonderful for queasy stomachs, did you know that?
2. Postcards. They don't cost much to buy or send, but they bring a world of delight to the receiver
3. Good movies. When you need a child to take it easy and relax sometimes a good, clean, wholesome movie makes it just a little easier
4. Baby Gates, they aren't just for babies
5. Fans. They have been so wonderful this summer

Monday’s Miracles

2011-08-15T18:42:00.000-07:00

I haven’t done these for a while, but I thought I should do them again.

1. Grass. I know I complain about mowing it and watering it, but I sure do enjoy having it. It wasn’t that long ago that I didn’t have grass around my house and I still remember how hot, muddy, and drab my house looked. I love being able to walk through the soft grass and the nice look of the mowed yard.

2. Swimming Pools. With the weather being so hot, it sure is nice to go swimming.

3. Popsicles. Cold, sweet yummyness

4. Buttons. Have you really thought about everything a button can do and be? It holds our clothes together, it looks cute in the middle of a flower bow, you can make jewelry out of them…

5. Bountiful Baskets. I’ve tried so many new fruits and vegetable through participating, and I love how much I get in my basket. It definitely supports my endeavors to eat healthier.

Idaho Distance Education Academy

2011-08-14T20:39:00.001-07:00

I’ve already told some people, but our family is going to embark on a new adventure next year. I have enrolled my oldest two in the Idaho Distance Education Academy charter school. What does that mean you are asking? Well I will tell you. It means that I will be the one teaching them next year with some assistance from a certified teacher. I will mostly be communicating with the teacher by phone and e-mail, so really, I will be teaching the kids. We will be home schooling them.

There have been varied responses, varied questions, and varied concerns when I’ve told people about our decision. This is not a spur of the moment decision. It is something I have been thinking, pondering, and praying about for a long time. It is also something that I wouldn’t do without Robert’s support and so he has also been praying about it.

So to answer some questions. #1 why am I doing this? Well, there are a lot of reasons. I think that my girls are too young to be away from me for so much time. They are at a stage in life where I feel like I should be the main teacher they have and that is difficult to do when they are at school for around 7 waking hours and I have them for 4. Also, there are lessons that I want them to learn that I’m not sure are being taught in schools. There are better books that they could be reading than what are being read to them in schools, and I want to expose them to the best and not settle just because they are reading.

#2 DoI think I can really do this? What about my “me” time? Yes it’s true, I will be with the kids an awful lot without a break. You see, here’s the thing, I love my kids and I love being with my kids. I will grant that there are times that I lose my patience, but that is usually when I am doing things that aren’t really worthwhile and I’m feeling guilty. I am so much more organized when the older kids are home, my house is actually cleaner when they are here and our lives have a tendency to run smoother and more structured. Right now I’m looking at our lives and seeing where I can fit some math in, or some spelling or science. It isn’t going to change that much for us so yes, I do think I can do this.

#3 What about their social time? Well, here’s the thing, I’m pretty social myself. That means that we are going to be going out and being around people, and we are going to be inviting people to come to our house. I will be teaching them to be polite, to share, how to be a good hostess and how to be a good guest. Those are skills better learned from me than from other kids their own age, don’t you think? With the exception of those few years they spend in school, people are not usually kept in social groups of peers their own age. Many of the friends I have now are closer to my sister’s age than my own, or they are older than me. Learning to relate to people of all ages is a better skill than just people your own age and experience.

#4 Won’t they fall behind? No, I don’t think they will. You see, children have a natural desire to learn. If we provide them opportunities and inspire them, then they will learn. I am wanting to learn, too. It is something we can do together. If they seem Mom wanting to learn, they will too. If we are reading, talking and discussing things together it only builds upon that desire. That is what we are going to do. Yes, it takes dedication on the part of the parent, but when you make life about learning, not just learning to pass the test, well, that is when it really sticks.

I am really excited about this journey we are taking. I am a little nervous, too, but mostly excited. I will have help and support from a certified teacher when I need it. My children will still take the state mandated tests to see where they are at. I have friends to help guide me and help me along the way. Above all, I have a conviction that this is what I am supposed to be doing right now at this time in our lives.

Hidden Sorrows

2011-08-11T21:07:00.000-07:00

What is it about us that we feel to hide so many sorrows and struggles. It could be an illness such as cancer or depression. Maybe it is financial struggles or something that has caused us sadness and pain, hurtful words spoken to us or some loss that we have had. So many times we take these things and we lock them up inside, putting on a mask or withdrawing from those around us, lest anyone should guess the truth.

Why do we do this? Are we afraid? What do we have to be afraid of? Fear that we will be treated differently? Fear that someone will say or do something else to hurt us? Fear that someone will help us and then we will feel indebted to them?

The scriptures tell us that we should should help one another.

8. ...and now, as ye are desirous to come into the fold of God, and to be called his people, and are willing to bear one another's burdens, that they may be light;

9. Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort... Mosiah 18: 8-9

or in the New Testament

2. Bear ye one another's burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ. Galatians 6:2

And yet, if we are unwilling to share, if we keep everything hidden inside then are we guilty of not allowing others to follow the scriptures? We tell ourselves that we would gladly help share someone else's burden, but we are unwilling to share our burden with anyone else.

Now, when I say this, don't think I mean that we should all air our dirty laundry or ask for hand-outs. I don't mean for us to expect others to take care of our problems. I do believe there are things, however, that when shared can help us heal or lighten our burden. The woman who loses a baby before anyone knows she was pregnant. The neighbor who gets cancer but doesn't want anyone to know. The family who is doing everything they can to meet their financial obligations, but they are barely able to meet their current needs. All of these people keep it all in until either enough time passes to dull the pain, or something happens that they can no longer hide their situation.

The thing is, to the person who suffers depression and just wishes for something good in their life, a smile and a kind word can make a world of difference. To one who is sick and wishing they didn't have to make dinner, a meal brought in provides peace of mind and rest. To someone who just doesn't know where the money they need is going to come from $20 may not break you, but it could mean food for their family. The thing is, most of the time we don't know about these needs. The Spirit can, and does, often speak to us leading us to help others, but just as we teach our children to ask for what they want, we need to also ask.

Then again, who do we ask? As children we ask our parents. As adults, how many close relationships do we share? We have become a nation of texting and facebook and while those things are good in their own rite, they are not everything. How often do we sit and visit face to face, or call someone up on the phone and listen to their voice? We take our world and compress it into little tiny bites like ttyl, idk, or lol. We share what we are cooking for dinner, our favorite t.v. shows, what cute thing our child said/did, but we don't share our hearts. We don't share our inner thoughts (although sometimes people share too many thoughts that maybe should be kept personal). We hide behind the superficial part of our lives and never have to form meaningful relationships.

Pride. I think often that is what it all comes down to. We are too proud to accept help. We think that we can take care of it ourselves. We don't want to be a burden on anyone else. We may have gotten ourselves into the situation and feel we need to get ourselves out of it. We think we need to rely on only ourselves, or we pray to God and ask for a miracle, but we don't take the extra steps to help him fulfill the miracle. We don't ask for help. I know I'm guilty of this. Right now, I don't even know how to begin fixing it. Like my blog title says, this is a musing of my heart. I will keep on musing and maybe I will find some answers for my own soul. I hope so.

Day 2

2011-08-11T07:01:00.000-07:00

1. Moonlight Sonata by Beethoven- I love this song sooooo much and I wish I could play it, but my hands aren't big enough.

2. Broken by Kenneth Cope

Day 3

2011-08-09T17:02:00.000-07:00

1. Patch Adams. This was the movie that Robert and I saw for our first date. I don't know why I remember that, but I do.

2. Lord of The Rings trilogy- Really 3 movies, but I didn't like them, and I still don't. My husband loved them and I almost walked out of the theater during #1. I think I'll read the books.

3. Operation Pettycoat- I like those old movies. I don't watch many movies anymore, it seems like I have too much going on, but if I did, I'd like an old one that I knew was clean and touching, and funny.

Day 4

2011-08-04T08:27:00.000-07:00

1. The Secret Garden- My first favorite book of all time
2. Les Miserables- The largest book I've ever read
3. The Chosen- A book I would like to read
4. Feminine Mystique- A book I have no desire to read

Day 5

2011-08-03T06:57:00.000-07:00

Celery- One of my favorite foods, and one I even wrote a poem about in elementary school, even yummier with peanut butter.
Mexican- my favorite type of food, especially enchiladas and tacos
Okra- didn’t really like this, maybe I don’t know how to fix it properly
Mom’s Gluten free German Chocolate Pie- so rich
Chocolate Banana-Berry smoothie-one of the best breakfasts around

Day 6

2011-08-02T19:28:00.000-07:00

Home, there’s no place like it, and I love it.
The beach. When I need to relax, like at the dentist or something, I imagine I’m at the beach.
The mountains. Closer than the beach, but if I can find a little stream, just as therapeutic.
Independence, Missouri. Someplace I want my husband to take our family. He served his mission there I would love to go back with him.
Farmer’s Markets. I could spend hours walking around and talking to vendors. I love going to Farmer’s Markets.
Labor and Delivery Rooms. I really don’t enjoy being there. The beds are uncomfortable, I am not usually feeling well, and I can think of a lot more comforting places to be.

Day 7

2011-08-01T07:20:00.000-07:00

My yard to be fully landscaped with a sprinkler system
Shelves in my sewing room
To go on a vacation to somewhere I’ve never been before. Europe or a cruise would be nice.
The freedom of having lots of space, with the niceness of having neighbors I can sit on the porch and talk to (that one won’t happen, but I want it)
A riding lawn mower
A whole list of books, including The Princess Bride
A tractor that I know how to use, so that in winter I can plow my driveway and in summer I can use it around the yard.

Day 8

2011-07-31T07:06:00.000-07:00

The dark. I’ve never quite gotten over my childhood fear
Of losing one of my children
Of hurting someones feelings
Of snakes and spiders, but I put up a good front for the kids.
I’m afraid of becoming a young widow
Bridges, especially really high ones or those going over large bodies of water (Coranado Bridge)
Tied into being afraid of bridges is my fear of heights
Failing

Day 9

2011-07-30T08:28:00.000-07:00

My husband is top of this list
chocolate
Reading
my children
tomatoes fresh off the vine
flowers
sunrises and sunsets
the sound of rain on the roof
family get togethers

Day 10

2011-07-29T08:11:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I miss dating like I did before I was married
I am home schooling my kids next year
I am addicted to reading blogs
I never took my own notes for history, I used my friends notes to quiz them and passed the tests that way
I am a tree-hugging granola at heart
I love animals, but taking care of them sometimes drives me crazy
I have a cookbook fetish
I’m a flex-atarian, probably about half of my meals are meat-free
I once covered the door of my bedroom in tootsie roll wrappers
I’ve always wanted to take singing lessons

Day 1

2011-07-29T08:09:00.000-07:00

One of Those Days

2011-07-19T20:43:00.001-07:00

Ever had one of those days? Yeah? Me neither….. oh okay, maybe one or two. Days where something hits you just wrong, like a telephone call, or a letter, or a text message. Next thing you know, you want to cry, you are a horrible person, and when is life going to get better? Then, you sleep on it and the next day realize that life really isn’t that bad, you are too hard on yourself and the crying just means that for some reason you have some extra hormones running through your system.

So, what do you do on those days? In my case, it was cereal for lunch and hot dogs for dinner. Some crocheting. My girls were and I decided I should too, and some light reading. First, though, reading my scriptures and hoping for that calming spirit to enter my heart. It comes, often after a good night’s sleep, for me. It is wonderful what a night of rest can do for a person’s outlook.

Lessons Being Learned

2011-07-06T05:44:00.001-07:00

This past year we were blessed to have my husband find a new job. He is working for a stable company that has not only survived during this difficult economy, but has grown! So, we are blessed, but his new job has also brought about new learning experiences.

You see, he has to do quite a bit of traveling these days. Now, before I wasn’t used to him being gone overnight very often, and when he was it was only 1-2 days. Now he is gone for days and even weeks at a time. Needless to say, I’ve been learning quite a few things, the biggest is to do things on my own.

I love letting my husband take care of me. I love that he takes care of a lot of the outside chores for me. He does the heavy lifting, digging, and mowing that I don’t really like to or want to do. Lately, though, I’ve had to take that on. When no one else can run the lawn mower I have two choices, do it myself or let the lawn look bad. I mow the lawn, even if it means that I have to mow it in 15-20 mile an hour winds because that seems to be the only time I have time. The chickens need fed and watered each day and they don’t care if it’s cold, raining, or blowing, so out I go to do that. If the ground needs dug up and turned over to plant the garden, well, that falls on me, too. Add all of this to the usual cooking, cleaning, and mothering that I already do. It’s a lot.

Now, before you begin to feel sorry for me, don’t. Honestly, this has probably been a good thing for me. I do miss my husband, a LOT in fact, but I think there were some lessons I really needed to learn. Also, I haven’t been alone or forgotten during this time. I have some wonderful friends and family to love me and help me. I have also felt comforted and loved by my Heavenly Father, so I know I’m not really alone.

What about those lessons, though? Here’s a few of my thoughts on that. Like I said, I love being taken care of. I sometimes think maybe I expect too much from my husband. After a long day of work I still expect him to go out and feed chickens and then pick up that shovel so I can get my stuff done. I think I need to learn a few things about really taking care of myself and my family. I need to learn a little independence. That’s not to say I shouldn’t let my husband take care of me, but maybe I should give him a little more thanks when he does.

On the other hand, I have a dear friend who was very independent. She is a tall woman and very strong. She always felt that her strength gave her a huge feeling of worth. Well, she got cancer and the treatments weakened her a lot. She lives on a farm and when she could no longer lift hay bales, instead needing to break them up to carry them, well, that made her feel very little. She hated needing others to take care of her. It was a lesson she needed to learn to give up her independence at times.

So is that the way it sometimes goes? Do we need to find that balance between taking care of ourselves, and letting others take care of us?

Being the only parent home is hard. I am so incredibly grateful for those times when my husband is home. Talking to him on the phone just isn’t the same. I know I am learning to truly appreciate all he does for our family, both in working to earn an income, and in doing things around the house. I love my kids and I love having them all home with me, but there is no way I can be bother Mother and Father to them.

Gratitude List

2011-06-30T19:42:00.000-07:00

I am doing a wellness challenge that my sister-in-law posted about. Along with a physical challenge I need to pick 4 mini challenges. One of them is to write down 10 things you are grateful for.

1. My family. What more can I say. They are there when I need them. I can call them and chat, or vent. When I have a problem, they either help me feel better, or find a way to help me fix the problem. They are a constant in the sea of change that is life.

2. My husband's family. This could be joined with #1, but I felt it deserved it's own spot. This is a family that has a different background and different traditions that I have. It can be challenging when two people come together and begin to learn the traditions and habits of the other. My in-laws have been so wonderful in loving me and showing me the wealth of tradition and knowledge that is there family. They have also been really great to help take care of me when my husband has been gone for work. I don't know what I'd do without them.

3. Good neighbors. Out here in the country the term neighbor means anyone within about a 15 mile radius. I love that the people around here are so willing to lend a hand and for the friendships that we share.

4. Yarn, knitting needles, and crochet hooks. Technically that is 3 things, but I'm going to put them as one. I love how relaxing it can be to sit down and create something. I love making things and giving them to friends who can use them more than me. I love being able to create something beautiful and useful and to be able to take care of myself.

5. My clothesline. I love how line-dried clothes smell like sunshine.

6. My church calling to be Primary Pianist. I'm not very good at piano...yet. I'm getting better, though. For that I'm very grateful for my calling. It gives me incentive to practice and I can see improvement. I also love to hear my kids sing the songs that I've been practicing.

7. Cell Phones. We've relied on them to keep in touch with my husband since his new job includes a lot of travel. We still are able to read scriptures together and pray together over the phone. One day we may progress to video conferences, but for now, the phone is great!

8. Bountiful Baskets. This is a food co-op that we have been participating in for a year now. I love that we get to try new foods all the time. My family eats more fruits and vegetables than we used to, we are healthier, and our knowledge of different fruits and vegetables has increased. One of the biggest surprises, one of my children really loves cabbage! We also all really like artichokes.

9. Blogs. I love that I can keep in touch with family through their blogs, and they can read about what is going on with mine. I love all the tutorials that people put on their blogs. I love reading about other people's cooking adventures and finding new recipes. I love learning new things from other people. I don't know if I'm a blog-a-holic, but I do like reading blogs of worth.

10. My testimony of Jesus Christ and His Atonement. Life can be really hard sometimes. I find so much comfort knowing that I am never alone. I have felt peace and comfort even when I don't have any idea how things can get better, but soon they do. I believe there is a God in Heaven and that He loves me. I know when I go to church, treat others with respect and love, forgive those that hurt me, pay tithing, read my scriptures, and pray then I feel good. I feel happy, full of love and peace. Life may be hard but it is also wonderful, beautiful, and and fun!

Summer time

2011-06-16T05:48:00.001-07:00

So, what do you do in the summer time? My daughter was complaining the other day because I told her that she was still going to be getting up fairly early, she needed to make her bed and pick up her room before coming out for breakfast. She told me that summer time was when you are supposed to sleep in. I guess I’m a mean mom and that isn’t my idea of summer. I figure the kids are around and they are getting old enough to be a real help to me, so I’m going to teach them what it’s like to work. I’m not sure who will get the bigger lesson, them learning to work, or me learning to teach them.

Now don’t get me wrong, we do have fun during the summer. In fact, the kids and I sat down and made out a list of things that we would like to do this summer. Some of those are things that we know are definitely going to happen, and some might happen. The list included things like swimming lessons (they are currently taking those), my daughter’s baptism, going to my nephew’s birthday party. Those ones are pretty set but then we included things like going camping, fishing, visiting some close touristy sites like the ice caves and the Hagerman Fossil Beds. We will see how many of those we get done this summer.

So, we have set some new routines this summer. They are very similar to the ones I set up for Spring Break. I’m discovering as my kids get older what works now may not work then, so we may have to tweak this as time goes on. I get up early and get my computer time in. I have discovered that when kids are up, the computer goes off unless we need it for something like to look up a recipe or something, otherwise it is too big of a distraction. So, once kids are up, I get to work making breakfast while they get dressed, make their beds and clean up their rooms. After breakfast they each have a room that they are in charge of and they spend a few minutes cleaning that room. The first day we picked rooms it took quite a while to get the rooms straightened and organized, but now it doesn’t take them very long at all. Once their room is tidy we will usually all work together on something. If the weather is nice we work outside. We put a new house in the middle of an alfalfa field a couple of years ago and there is still a lot of work to do around the outside, along with taking care of the chickens and the garden. So we have weeding, mowing, spreading gravel, picking up the lawn so I can mow, and hanging laundry out to dry on the clothes line.

Right now we have swimming lessons so after a little work we head to those, then lunch and come home for some free time/play time. Swimming lessons will be over after this week and our family work time will increase. I’m a little glad for that because we have a lot of projects to work on outside. For free time the kids will often play outside on the swings, or in “Terabithia”. Terabitha is an area of our yard where some big trees grow and shade one of our little irrigation ditches, so the kids built a bridge over the water, it’s the “bridge to Terabithia”. They can climb the trees and have even built little forts over there. For her birthday last year my almost 8 year old got a pair of little pruners and she will cut off the little dead branches. She will probably help me prune some of our orchard later this summer with those little pruners.

If the weather is less nice then we spend a lot of time reading books. One of the favorite places for my kids to spend their time is the library. We have just a small little community library, but we also got a library card to a bigger library in the town where we do most of our shopping. At that library the limit is 50 books per card and we’ve come close to bringing that many home before. The kids pick out their own books, with me making sure that there isn’t anything I don’t want in them. They do pretty good for the most part. My daughters are also learning some handicrafts. The oldest is learning to crochet. Her sister just younger is learning to make things on a knitting loom. I love to do yarn crafts so we all spend a little time working on our latest project. It has been so fun sharing these skills with my kids.

At bed time after we read scriptures and pray as a family they all go and lay in their beds and I sit in the hall between the two bedrooms and read a story of my choosing to them. We’ve done a lot of classics. We went through some fairy tales, we read Pollyanna, some Nancy Drew, and currently I am reading them The Secret Garden (one of my all time favorites). I have a whole list of books that I want to read to them. This helps them unwind, and sometimes it brings up topics for conversation.

So what do you think? Am I a mean mom for making them get up early and sticking to a schedule? I don’t think so. My kids are happier, the house feels more welcoming and comfortable, and it’s easier for me to be a good Mommy.

Computer Free

2011-06-03T21:00:00.001-07:00

I had this wonderful post all ready, and I left it overnight so I could proof read it the next day, then my computer crashed. I decided that maybe I just hadn’t learned my lesson well enough yet. So, here is what I started:

I didn’t have the internet or my computer for a week. That was an interesting experience. It was different than going on vacation and not being “plugged in”. I’ve traveled and had no computer and it was fine. I was out of my normal and had a different agenda and didn’t even miss not checking my e-mail, facebook, or blogs. It’s different when you are home and used to doing all of those things.

The first couple of days I just kept thinking about how I needed to blog about my experience, but I didn’t have any way to blog. Even without the internet, I usually have my computer, but when said computer gets a virus and you can’t do anything on it, well, even that is gone. I took my computer to someone much more knowledgeable than myself and he fixed it right up, but since he lives an hour away, it took a while before I was able to go and pick up my computer. In the mean time, some interesting things happened. This is what I learned:

1. Finding recipes is a lot easier with the internet. I had something in my cupboards that I needed to find a recipe for. I had never eaten it before and didn’t know exactly how to prepare it. I went searching through my many cookbooks and magazines, but I just could not seem to find a recipe with that particular ingredient. I also learned that I need a better filing system for some of my recipes and I have a lot of papers and recipes that I don’t need and will probably never use.

2. I missed having my music and books played at this end of the house. I play music using Pandora or my Itunes while I’m in the kitchen or living room. I don’t have any other stereo at this end of the house. I do at the other end, so I ended up spending a little more time down there listening to some dramatized cd’s. That was probably a good thing, since I don’t usually spend much time down there and that part of the house needed some tlc. Still, I’m glad that I can listen to books and music while doing the dishes again.

3. I ended up actually talking to people more. Since I couldn’t rely on facebook messages or e-mail to get a hold of people, I actually needed to talk or text them. I also realized that I didn’t have everyone’s numbers who I may need to get in touch with. It’s good to actually hear peoples voices when you communicate.

4. I can survive without my computer. I joked about having the shakes for the first couple of days, but it’s only a partial joke. I really did go through some withdrawals. We only took the tower in to be looked at so the monitor, keyboard and mouse were all still sitting there giving the appearance that all was okay, but of course none of them worked without the tower. I would find myself looking over there and wanting to sit down and type something. My eyes often found their way over to the computer before remembering that the screen would just stay blank. I was constantly wondering what I was missing and thinking about what I was going to blog about next. After a few days, though, those urges subsided. I did a lot of heavy cleaning to distract myself. I read a couple of books. I played and worked with my children. I made it through the days and evenings with no computer and it was okay.

5. It’s easy to get sucked back in. I set my computer back up and immediately I wanted to get back on and find out all that I had been missing. I checked my e-mail. I had maybe 20 e-mails I wanted to read and really only about 5 of those were ones that contained information that was important to me. On facebook I had 20 notifications, but most of them were not all that important either. A couple of them pertained to things that had already passed before I got back on, and I didn’t really miss anything. I also went and checked blogs, but again, I didn’t really miss much. Yes, there were some good articles that I enjoyed reading, but nothing that was super important to my life that I couldn’t have lived without.

So, after writing all of that and having my computer pick up another nasty virus and crashing again I realized that I had picked up right where I left off on spending too much time online again. I found other things to do, again. I began teaching my girls to crochet and use a knitting loom. I began knitting some projects. I think I have maybe figured out a way to get my screen time in without sacrificing time with my family. We will just have to see how it works out, though.

Mother's Day Musings

2011-05-08T19:42:00.001-07:00

When I was growing up and we would ask my mom what she wanted for Mother's Day, or her birthday, or Christmas, her answer was always the same "A clean house". As a child I never could understand why she would keep asking for that, I mean, it felt like we cleaned the house all the time, why wouldn't she ask for something else, like a necklace or a book, or something. Then, I had children, and now I know.

My mom also worked outside the home along with raising her 6 children. So, she would go to work, come home, cook, clean, and help us with homework, and all of that stuff. As we got older we helped, but sometimes we were just around long enough to leave a mess, like when we would come home, grab a bite, leave the dishes in the sink, and then head back off to basketball practice or play practice or sometimes work ourselves. She often had to clean up those dishes.

My kids are still fairly young, my oldest is 7. They are old enough to learn to help out around the house. It feels like it takes twice as long when they are cleaning with me, but I know that if I take the time now, soon they can do it on their own. I'm realizing how easy it is to feel like a martyr when it comes to keeping my house clean. To feel like I'm doing so much for them and they just aren't appreciating me. Instead, I should be looking for the blessings of having a home and a family to take care of. To view cleaning dishes and washing clothes and acts of love for my family. Aren't the most fun acts of love those that the person receiving never really know about? Yes, my kids will need to know how to use the washer and dryer. Yes, they will learn to wash dishes as they rinse and scrub alongside me, but if they don't realize all that mom does, can't I view that as me being a "secret helper"? It's all in the way you look at things.

Paper Clutter

2011-05-04T20:27:00.000-07:00

So, my goal for this year has been simplifying my life and my home. This is a hard one. The other night as my kids were in bed, I came out from reading to them, looked around, and wanted to cry. There were papers ALL over the place. I have 2 children in school. The oldest is in 2nd grade and the younger one is in Kindergarten. They bring home So. Many. Papers. There are math papers, spelling papers, vocabulary papers, artwork papers, comprehension papers, and then all the notices from the school for wrestling, soccer, baseball, this fundraiser or that event. You want to know why the schools need more money? It's because of all the papers that get used and wasted. Okay, so maybe that is an exaggeration, but it still irks me. I can have a perfectly clean room, my kids get home from school, and all of a sudden it's clutter all over. And, if the baby finds any of those papers, they soon go from a single sheet, to about 20 pieces all over the place.

I told my husband that I want to home school just to cut down on the amount of papers floating around my house. We can use a white board for spelling and math, or something. I mean, what am I supposed to do with all these papers? Luckily my girls don't form real heavy attachments to them, I've been able to throw a lot of them away without them have a melt down. But then it just piles up in my trash can. It wasn't so bad during the winter when I needed something to start the fire, but I don't need that now. I really don't want to save them up for a bonfire, although I could. The point is to get stuff out, though, not save it up for the future. There really isn't a good recycling program where I live, clear out here in the boonies. I wonder if they are compostable? But I don't know about the inks.

I am so looking forward to the day when school get out and this trail of papers quits coming to my door. Now I just need to get off the credit card offer and junk mail lists and life will be good.

Killing Capitalism

2011-05-02T20:01:00.000-07:00

A few years ago a group of citizens gathered together looking to organize a Farmer's Market. My husband and I had participated in one in the last town we lived in and were interested in possibly being a part of this one. We went to one of the early meetings and listened to what they were proposing. We thought long and hard about participating, but sadly, our garden and orchard did not fare well that summer, so we did not participate. However, because we had expressed interest, we were put on the mailing list. I recently received an application to participate this year, along with a letter from the manager. This letter included a description of some changes they have made to the Market, including a cooperative Market plan. I was appalled as I read about this. The managers of the Farmers Market want to regulate what you sell and when you sell it. They are going to limit who can sell what. Only 3 vendors will be allowed to sell any given produce item, but they cannot all sell said produce item on the same week. For instance, if you want to sell Roma tomatoes (the example they gave), only 3 vendors can sign up to sell Romas, but each has to pick different weeks to sell them. This means that if all your tomatoes are ripe on July 1, but that isn't your week, you are out of luck. You can sell other tomatoes, if you've signed up to sell that variety, but not Romas. This is what they have to say about their idea:

Cooperating gives everyone a share of sales and avoids over-saturating the market. It also allows the Market to work for you by advertising your products--you make more money!!

Seriously!? Do they really believe this? They must if they decided to adopt this plan, but I have to tell you, it goes against so many things I believe in. If an individual wants to plant a specialty crop that they are sure no one else will have, that is great and they should be able to decide that for themselves, but if someone want to plant an acre of Roma tomatoes and take them to market to sell, they should be able to, when those tomatoes are ripe. What happens if your tomatoes are not ripe on your chosen week? Can you trade weeks with someone who maybe does have ripe tomatoes? What if yours are ripe, but you can't sell them, are you supposed to let them just go to waste, or do you try to store them until it is your turn and then you have less than great quality produce. As a consumer, we have a right to choose what we buy. We should be allowed to inspect other's quality of produce, customer service, and price to decide what we want, not be limited to what the "cooperative Market plan" says.

Now, I know I wasn't at the meeting where this plan was adopted so I can't say I was there to oppose the idea. However, this is not a Market that encourages people to participate in it. I know some people still will. They have wares and are looking to sell them. They will work with the Market's "plan" and I hope they are successful. I, however, will not be. I don't know that my garden would support me doing this, I mostly garden for my family, but even then, not sure this is a place that I would want to go. I think I would almost rather travel farther to a more friendly market that is not going to try and regulate what I can and cannot sell.

Here's the thing, Capitalism works! When we participated in a Farmer's Market before we got to know the other vendors. We got to know who had what, and who had the best what. There was one farmer who had the most delectable nectarines. He usually sold out within an hour, if you were lucky. Sometimes quicker, so you had to be there early. How sad it would be if he was told he couldn't bring them at times, and I did get there early. Another vendor had apples that were the perfect blend of sweet, tart, and crisp that I've ever had. I know I would miss it if he wasn't allowed to sell his apples. And finally, the mustard lady. I love gourmet mustards. This lady has all kinds, along with the best sea salt seasoning mix ever. I love putting her sea salt mixture on my grilled and roasted vegetables. If by some chance I went to Market and she wasn't there, I think I would be mad. Yes, maybe I would find something better, but I should be able to choose. The thing is, these vendors developed relationships with us. They learned who we were and we learned who they were. We learned about their gardens and orchards and all sorts of things. They watched my kids running around and growing year to year. Don't tell me that I can't support my friend because it isn't "their week".

When you have different vendors all selling the same thing, well, something about them needs to be better than their neighbor. Maybe they have better customer service, maybe their prices are better, or maybe their wares just look better. When you have more than one person selling the same thing, they are going to work to make sure you are getting a great deal. When only one person is selling, well, you get what you get, or you choose to get nothing. If there is a saturation of the market, well, vendors learn, and you let them fail. The market will still get whatever their agreed upon percentage is. Take away the competitive edge and you lose, the consumer loses, the vendor loses, the market loses. Allow people the freedom to learn, grow, and yes, sometimes fail, and if they are smart, they fail forward to something better. Better ways of growing, better varieties to grow, or maybe just better ways to advertise and display. People win when they are allowed to learn and grow, they lose when someone makes most of the decisions for them.

I think the saddest thing for me is that more people involved have not stood up for their freedom to choose. That the people at that meeting, while trying to help their market, are in reality adopting practices that time has proven to cause more harm than help. For our local economy I hope the farmer's market is successful. I hope that the vendors who do participate find it to be worth their while. I also hope that more people will become educated and speak out to protect our free market economy.

New Schedule

2011-04-06T08:46:00.000-07:00

After reading a couple of other blogs and looking at my life, I decided I wanted a new schedule. I am really leaning towards homeschooling my kids next year and I need something that will work for our family. Plus, I've noticed that my kids, and truthfully myself, do better with some kind of routine. So, over Spring Break last week I decided to try something new. I've been reading about working with the kids and wanted a better way to make this work, so I decided that we would have breakfast and then work until our noon meal. Because most of my children are still fairly young I either worked with them or near them. We went through the house systematically and got a room finished before moving on, or until stopping to eat. After our noon meal there was a short "quiet time" period where the baby was supposed to take a nap (that didn't always happen) and after that we had free time where the kids could do whatever they chose. If the weather was decent enough they went outside and rode their bikes or played. If it was too cold or windy or rainy (or all three) then they read books or played make-believe. After dinner we would often do some fun family activity.

So that was the plan. For the most part it worked fairly well. My husband was home quite a bit of this week with a pinched nerve in his back, and so that kinda threw things off a bit. The kids just act different when Daddy is around. Overall, though, we got a lot accomplished. The kids did well with learning to put things away and it also made it a little easier to put their books and toys away knowing that they were going to get to play with them later. I got "help" doing a lot of the housework. I'm sure I could have done it faster on my own, but knowing the kids were helping me was a whole lot better than wondering what they were messing up while I was cleaning up. One day we washed walls, and that was hard. Little arms were getting sore and it was pretty boring. We learned singing songs while we worked helped it to go by faster. The best part, my house has stayed tidier for longer. We still have quite a ways to go because quite frankly, I'm lazy, but we are working on it.

I also tried to make our noon meal the big meal of the day. It's supposed to be healthier for you that way. This worked okay. I would get up and we'd have a pretty good breakfast, not really big, but good. I'd cook for lunch what I'd normally make for dinner. But then I wasn't sure what to have for dinner. That is where the problems came in. So, we would often end up making something heavier than I would have really liked. I would have been fine with a salad and smoothie, but the rest of my family wasn't keen on the idea. Some days they will eat salad, but not very much and the smoothie by itself wasn't enough. We also could only eat leftovers so many times before they wanted something new. I still love the idea of the big meal at noon. Maybe I could just do sandwiches or quesadillas for dinner?

I know a lot of moms (and kids) that just go crazy over spring break because they don't know what to do, but I felt like we all had a lot of fun. We had a plan, we had work and we had play. We didn't go anywhere special or do anything extra ordinary, but our ordinary days took on meaning and having a clean house made it a nicer place to be. I definitely want to use this during the summer. I am still using parts of it now. I am trying to discipline myself to work in the morning so that I can rest and play with my kids in the afternoon. I feel better when I do this, and the kids seem happier, which makes life at home a lot more pleasant. Do you have a schedule for your day?

Why Staying Home is Important to Me

2011-04-03T20:56:00.000-07:00

So why do I think it's so important to stay at home with my kids? Well, I think many of the problems facing us today are because of the breakdown of the family. Home is supposed to be a safe place where you have people who love you. It should be stable where the rules are enforced for the good of everyone. Yes, I said rules. A safe home has strict guidelines that keep the people there safe. Home is where you first learn that hitting is not okay and if you use language that is inappropriate you may get your mouth washed out. Home is the place where when you got your feelings hurt by someone saying something mean to you, you could come home and feel loved and know that your worth does not depend on what someone else said on the playground.

I had an interesting experience a couple of years ago. I had moved to a new town and one of my friends was helping to direct a school play. A couple of weeks into it one of the main characters quit and suddenly they were a person short. She did some character shifting and asked me if I would come in and do a small part in the play. I said sure. What I saw when I showed up shocked me. Kids were missing their cues right and left. Backstage they were talking and joking, but definitely not paying attention. They were not listening to the director, or her assistant. The worst part to me, a couple of members of the cast were teachers! Instead of lending support to the director and encouraging the kids to pay attention, they were standing around talking or doing nothing. Now, you don't have to take over for the director to help encourage someone to pay better attention. I saw young adults who had very little respect for authority and I saw adults who did not know how to instill or inspire that respect in their pupils. What happened here? I'll tell you what I did. I gave a lecture. I told the kids that I had never participated in a play where such disrespect was shown. I had never been in one where so far along and kids were still using scripts and consistently missing their cues. If this had been my high school when I was growing up then the director would have either canceled the play, or at the very least pushed it back. I could not believe the disrespect that they were showing the director and assistant director, and I told them so. It seemed like they took some of my words to heart because things did get better and the play went off okay. I learned a lot during those couple of weeks, though.

What does this have to do with mothers staying home? My parent's taught me to respect authority, even if you don't agree with it, respect it. It made me wonder how many of those kids had mothers at home with them when they were learning the core values of right and wrong and how to show respect to others. Or were their moms at work? I know that there are circumstances where both parents need to work outside the home, but there are a lot of "things" that we could do without to have better children and let a mom stay home. Another "better" car, cable t.v., a closet full of nice clothes, a room full of educational toys may all be nice things, and sometimes we think they are necessary things, but what is the true cost? I've heard time and again how little kids are more excited about the box that a toy came in than the toy itself, so even if it does teach them their colors and numbers, do they really need it? Wouldn't it be more fun for both of you, and less expensive, if you went and looked through a picture book and counted the puppies or named the colors of the flowers? Bonus, child is learning all of that, spending time with you, and growing more secure and confident all at the same time. Plus, it's good for adults to stop and count the flowers once in a while.

I also wonder what has happened to our society where adults don't teach, and expect, respect from children? There are some wonderful adults out there who do know how to get respect, but so many times I've seen kids walk all over adults. I've heard kids sass their parents, and not get punished for it. I've seen kids walk out of classrooms with the teacher doing next to nothing about it. Some of these same kids are those who grow up and when they get fired from a job for not listening to their boss they wonder what happened and moan about how life is so unfair for them and their boss was just unreasonable.

I know a lot of good moms who give up a lot of things once they have children. I have friends all over the place who have decided to stay home. Some want to give their kids all that they had growing up, some want to give their kids what they never had growing up, and some want to do a little of both. One thing that is common for all of these moms is that they love their kids. They want the best for their kids and they want to be the one there to teach them, to love them, and to make sure that they are being taken care of.

I think by staying home and creating the kind of environment where kids can grow into honest, hardworking people I am helping society. I believe that the more kids who have stable home environments, who have mother and father around who love them and take care of them, who have these good role models, the better our world will be. The more families there are who have both parents at home, the fewer problems kids have with drugs, sex and violence. The more times a child sees and connects with their parents the fewer their chances are that they will get into trouble. It's not always perfect, kids each get to grow up and make their own choices, but if given direction and teaching early in life they can avoid a lot of hard times later.

I want to always be there for my kids. I want to create the kind of home where they learn right from wrong. A home where they learn that honesty is the best policy and where my girls learn how to be good wives and mothers and my boy learns to be a good gentleman. I want to teach my girls to let gentlemen open doors for them and to be gracious when they do. I want to teach my son to hold the door open for ladies and girls. I want to teach my kids the Christian values that I grew up with and believe in. Values like don't steal, cheat, or swear. Be honest in you dealings with other people. Wait until you get married to have sex. Treat others with respect. I want them to learn about hard work and how the best things in life take time and lots of work. Along with teaching them, it helps to remind me. The best things in life are worth working for, but they often take time and effort. A diamond takes thousands of years to make and is under intense heat and pressure. A good person is often the same way. They have to grow up, they face pressures to see if they will hold to their standards, they will have to face growing up, but in the end an honest, hardworking person is someone that people can count on and that is the person that you want to work for you. That is the kind of people I hope to raise. That is the kind of person I hope to be.

I know that I haven't explained myself as well as I would have liked. My thoughts always sound better in my head. I truly believe, though, that my kids will benefit from me being home with them. Yes, we may not have as many "things" as if I was out working and bringing in an income, but some things can't be bought. Time is a precious commodity and I choose to spend as much of it with my kids as I can.

My Decision To Be a Stay-At-Home Mom

2011-03-27T15:18:00.000-07:00

When I got married both my husband and I knew that once children came along I would be staying home. We both felt that our children would benefit more from having me home than from any extra income that I might bring in. So, as the time got closer to when I due with my first child, I put in my 2 weeks notice and began preparing to be a full time mommy. I remember only bits and pieces of those early days even though they weren't that long ago. I remember my mom came to stay with me for a week. I remember wanting to cry as she left, and then crying after she was gone. I remember the first time I left her for longer than an hour. My sister-in-law watched he while I took my husband to see his all-time favorite country singer in concert. I hadn't quite left her with enough milk and my baby cried for about an hour before we got back. We can laugh about it now, but it was hard to leave her with someone else.

The next time I left her she was a little older, but I decided to help out at the bookstore that I used to work at from Thanksgiving to Christmas. The little bit of extra money was nice, especially around the holidays. Another sister-in-law watched her during that time if Robert was at class or working. I worked during the holiday season for 3 years in a row and while I enjoyed it, I did not enjoy having to find someone to watch the kids, even if it was family. I mean, I know that my kids had a blast playing with their cousins and I don't think my sister-in-law minded, but it was hard to leave them. I ran into the same thing with my own personal business. I am a Mary Kay consultant. I love Mary Kay, I love the products and I love the wonderful people that I've met doing this, but I don't love having to find someone to watch my kids.

You see, I've always wanted to be a mom. In school when I said I wanted to be a teacher, or the one year I said I wanted to be a doctor, really, I just wanted to be a mom. I learned at church that the most important thing I can do in life is be a good mom to my kids. Before we got married my husband and I talked about what would happen when we had children and we both decided that I would stay home. I'm so glad that we were in agreement about that.

I love being a stay-at-home mommy. Has it been hard? You bet. Is it worth it, though? You bet! The hardest was probably after I had my second child. I got postpartum depression, but I didn't realize that is what was going on. I remember crying a lot. I also remember sitting out on my porch and doing a lot of visiting with my neighbors and that helped a lot. Even during that time I never regretted staying home. Sometimes I missed visiting with everyone I would meet at the bookstore, but they couldn't give me the hugs or kisses that I received from my children. Now I don't miss it at all. I still get breaks from my mommy responsibilities every once in a while. There will be a ladies activity at church or my husband will give me the day to go to town and get our errands run. Anything longer than just a few hours, though, and I miss my family.

My kids are still small so most of the struggles I've faced so far have been the potty training, pick up your toys kind. I'm sure as they get older that will change, but I wouldn't want to miss this for anything in the world.

Wearing Skirts

2011-03-16T09:35:00.000-07:00

I'm a girly-girl. I freely admit it. I like make-up and perfume, the color pink and wearing skirts. It's skirts that I want to talk about today. When I was in High School I played on a couple of sports teams. Whenever we would have a home game our coaches told us we had to wear skirts or dresses. I never really minded this, but I had some friends who sure did. I had plenty of skirts and dresses since I wore one every week to church, but some friends had to get one to wear. When I was in college I worked at a book store where we could only wear jeans on Fridays. I could either get dress pants or wear skirts and dresses. I did wear pants quite a bit because I had to climb ladders occasionally and I thought pants would be better, but when I got pregnant with my first child, I found my skirts and dresses much more comfortable and took to wearing them most of the time. Then, I had my daughter and I got back into wearing pants. It was easier when I was constantly getting down to change diapers and clean up messes.

Lately a friend of mine was making an effort to look more feminine and dress more in skirts. I was reminded how much I enjoy wearing skirts and began to wear them more often, also. Most of my skirts were dressy and more for church so I came up with an idea. I took a pair of pants that I couldn't wear anymore because of some holes it them, and I turned them into a skirt. I did the same things first on one of my daughter's skirts to see if I could make it work, and then did my own. I love it! It is durable, I don't worry if I get mud or flour or snot on it. I feel like I can work in it and not be worrying about keeping it nice, and I am being "green" by using something I already had. I've gotten quite a few compliments on my skirt, too. I had a few more pairs of pants that I couldn't wear anymore and decided to make them also into skirts. Here is my second one:
This skirt is longer than the first one, at least in the front. I'm not sure what happened, but the front is longer than the back, but if I'm mostly wearing them at home then who cares? This one I used denim to fill in the middle part, I just used an old pair of my hubby's pants. He is really hard on jeans, so that wasn't hard to come by. I am still trying different techniques for adding that center piece. I'm not sure I've found the "perfect" way yet, but I love trying and making something new out of something old.

So what have I discovered through all of this. Well, in reading of other women's experiences I found it interesting that they felt other women were uncomfortable around them when they were wearing skirts. Why is this, I wonder? I've worn my skirts all over the place, to town shopping, to the school, to participate in a local co-op, and to church functions during the week. Mostly, I get compliments on my skirts and asked if I made them. Is it the type of skirts? Maybe. Like I said, mine are denim and so while they are "dressy" because they are a skirt, to me they aren't dressy at all because they are denim. I view dressy as materials that I worry about keeping clean, these skirts I treat like a well worn pair of jeans, because that is what they are.

Maybe it is certain types of people. I find that many of the people I know outside of church have a wider range of "acceptable" dress standards. If someone wants to wear a dress just because, great. If they want to wear hip hugging pants and tank tops, whatever. If their choice of style includes something tie dyed or is all black, that fine too. However, other groups of people have ideas that fall into more narrow margins. Clothing should be clean and neat. Nothing sleeveless or with bare midrifts. Nothing too tight or revealing. It almost feels like within these standards, though, the idea is t-shirts and jeans. To be comfortable you wear t-shirt and jeans, to be practical you wear t-shirt and jeans. It doesn't matter if you are a boy or a girl, t-shirts and jeans. The cut and style are slightly different for boys and girls, but t-shirts and jeans. Perhaps some of these t-shirt and jeans women want to be skirt and dress women. They see these skirts and want to be feminine, but think skirts would limit what they can do. Maybe they feel like they should be dressing more feminine, but don't want to so they feel guilt. I don't know. I can't say that I have ever noticed other women feeling uncomfortable around me when I'm wearing a skirt. Maybe it's the fact that I can't be too dressed up if I've got my comfy mary jane type tennis shoes peeking out from under the hem of my skirt.

The next thing I need to make me, though, is a nice big apron to cover up my skirt. Even though I don't mind if they get dirty, if I have to go into town, I'd rather not have snot or dirty handprints on my skirt if I can help it. A nice, big apron would just do the trick, don't you think?

Being Smart = Work

2011-03-09T12:41:00.000-08:00

I have two blogs, one for family and one for me. On my family blog I have a list of other blogs that I like to visit. On some of those blogs there are also lists of blogs that I also like to visit. Why don't I have them on my blog? I don't know. However, I know that many of those blogs post topics that really cause me to think and evaluate what I think and how I'm living my life. They are inspiring and seem so smart! I want a smart blog. I want to post deep, soul-searching, and insightful posts. I have all kinds of thoughts and articles running through my head all the time, but as soon as I begin to try and put my thoughts into words, they get all mixed up.

When I was in school, I could regurgitate all kinds of facts and opinions. I could argue with the best of them as long as I'd read enough to get a basic understanding of what was going on. I could turn in really great papers to my teachers, especially once I understood what it is they wanted in a good paper. Really, though, all I was doing was taking other people's words and thoughts and making them sound like they were my own. I'm now in a stage of life where I should be forming my own opinions and thoughts. A stage where I can learn from others words, but where I truly decide for myself what it is I believe and want. I'm not writing papers to be graded by a teacher. I'm not even writing articles for others to read to secure a job for myself. I am simply writing my thoughts, beliefs and experiences to strengthen myself and to possibly strengthen someone else. I also write to organize my thoughts and to maybe get advice from other like minded people.

Mostly lately, I feel like I've been wanting someone else to tell me what to do. I feel like asking for advice and having someone say "Do this" or "Do that" or "Don't do that". And yet, I know if some was to take over my life and tell me how to run it I would not like that in the least. So, instead of asking for advice all the time, I want to post insightful things I've learned, but first I have to learn them, or at least recognize that I've learned something, and that takes work. Lots of hard work.

Out With The Old

2011-03-02T12:43:00.001-08:00

With the spring fever I've been having, but being able to get outside, I've taken to doing some cleaning inside. My father-in-law watched my younger two while the older two were at school and I went through a bunch of their toys and stuffed animals. I took out 2 garbage sacks of stuffed animals, 1 box of toys, and as I've been going through clothes I've gotten rid of 3 sacks of clothes. Plus a really big stuffed bear and a child's banana chair. My house feels so much better with that stuff gone, but I have a lot more I need to go through.

I need to go through the books again. Since I've begun reading the children more of the classics we have read less of their other books. Also, the library is a wonderful thing. They can check out their short little children's books, and then we can return them and they aren't cluttering up my bookshelves and ending up on the floor to be stepped on. I can only ready Barbie and Scooby-Doo so many times. Plus, I'm not a fan of Scooby-Doo right now because my baby is constantly pointing out "monsters" to me all over the place. Not only that, but I'm finding my taste in books is changing. I've discovered so many wonderful books that have clear differences of right and wrong, morals in keeping with my beliefs, and meaningful life lessons and that are also engaging and entertaining, that often when I read something else I come away disappointed. I'm disappointed in the "innocent" potty humor, the crudeness of many characters, especially boys. I'm disappointed in the roles of women and girls in many books. I'm disappointed in the weak story lines and character development. I want books that I can read to my children and they can play out the stories and become better boys and girls, men and women. I'm not sure how many books will be left when I get done, but don't worry, I'm compiling a list of these good books that I would like to own and I will be giving that list to family members just in case they are ever in want of an idea of what to give members of my family as gifts.

I also need to go through our dishes. It seems that the few times that we do go out to eat and my children receive their drinks in those little plastic cups that they bring the cups home and become part of our cupboards. Well, I now have a large supply of such cups, and I don't believe I need that many to wash time and again. Perhaps instead of donating them to a thrift store I will use them to start plants in here in a couple of weeks. I also have a rather large supply of butter knifes. I think I must have about 20-30 of them. I have no idea how I came to acquire so many, but I certainly am not going to use that many. Those, along with extra spatulas and wooden spoons, will most likely be donated to Deseret Industries. All of this should simplify my life, right?

I do have a few things that I would like to add my house, but I like the philosophy of one friend "Out with the old to make room for the new". If I'm so busy holding on to things that I can't make room for anything else then who knows how many good things I will be missing out on? And besides that, I have a lot of things that I've been hanging onto for one reason or another that don't bring me joy when I look at them, in fact, they weigh me down when I look at them. I think life is challenging enough as it is that we don't need extra things around us that are going to bring us down. So here is to "Out with the old to make room for the New!"

Sunshine, Where Are You?

2011-02-16T11:23:00.000-08:00

I miss the warmer days of spring, summer and fall. Today I really want to go outside. I want to feel sunshine on my face and smell the air perfumed with the scents of grass, flowers, and sun. Alas, it is cloudy and dreary. There is snow on most of the ground, and those areas that are bare, are mud.

As I was switching my laundry from the washing machine to the dryer I had the thought that I really wish it was warmer so that I can use my laundry line to dry my blankets and sheets. I love how crisp they are and how they smell of sunshine. I miss the coolness of the clothes as I hang them up and the warmth as I take them down. I love how on a hot day it feels like air conditioning in between the lines of drying clothes.

I miss my garden. I love growing plants. I love tomatoes warm from the vine and carrots freshly pulled from the earth and brushed off with my hands. I love fresh peas. I love the purple flowers that produce eggplants. I don't love tomato horn worms, but my chickens do. I don't love getting my hands dirty, but I do love digging around with my gloves on. Most of the time I don't even mind mowing and raking. I really having dinner at night and knowing where my food came from. I love trying to grow new things and the figuring out what to do with them when they do grow. I love that my kids can snack on something from the garden and don't need to come in and ask me for something to eat every 30 minutes. In just a few weeks I am going to start some of my plants to transplant later in the summer. I can hardly wait.

Random

2011-02-11T12:59:00.000-08:00

I have a cold. It's really the first one I've gotten this year. As soon as I would hear about something going around, or as soon as I saw my kids even start to sniffle, I got out the Airborn and started taking it. This cold snuck up on me, though. That is why I am relaxing and taking some time to update my blog.

The last two weeks have been a little bit crazy for me. Robert got a new job and it took him to Oklahoma City for some training. He left on a Sunday and got back on a Friday. So for 5 days and 5 nights I was alone with the kids. We did okay. We had a few struggles, the housework fell behind a little bit, but we also found some things we really liked.

One of those things happened in the evening. One evening I was doing the dinner dishes with Lindsey and Taylor was reading stories to the other two little kids. After we finished dishes, Lindsey joined them and all 4 kids were cuddled up on the recliner while Taylor read. They loved it so much that they didn't even want to talk to their dad when he called because they were in the middle of the story. I liked this so well that when a friend invited me and the kids to go play one of the nights Robert was gone, I chose to stay home and enjoy the peaceful evening with the kids reading stories. It also helped them to calm down and get ready for bed easier.

The other thing I really like was actually putting the kids to bed. Robert in the past has put them to bed, so I was really worried about doing this. The kids bedrooms are opposite each other and I took a chair and sat right in the middle of the hallway. The kids got in their beds and snuggled down while I read stories. I found a list of stories to read to young children, so I decided to work through some of the list. The first story I read them was Rip Van Winkle. They loved it! Then we read Just So Stories by Rudyard Kipling, and now we are working our way through Pinocchio. My kids are loving these stories. I love that they have good morals and they are classics. I am seriously thinking of making a list of some of the books from this list to give when people want to know what my kids need for Christmas/birthdays.

In my need to simplify some things, I am leaning away from getting toys for my kids. I'm not against them having any toys to play with, but they have SO many already. They don't even play with half of them, and then they end up throwing a bunch on the floor looking for the one they want, but they don't want to put the ones they've throw out away. I need to do a great purge, but I need to maybe get the kids out first.

Also along this line, I want to share experiences with the kids for their birthdays instead of buying them "things". It's one thing if they need a pair of pants or something, but to just buy them something because it's their birthday, I'd rather give them an experience. Lindsey just had a birthday and wanted to go to Agri-Action for her birthday. It was great! It cost us just $2 to get the whole family in. She got to climb all over and inside of big tractors and little tractors, sit on really cool lawn mowers and eat peanuts and throw the shells on the floor. She got a cool bag, a magic pencil that changed colors with heat, some candy, and a key chain flashlight. I know there were a few other things she got, also, but I can't think of them right now. Now how could I beat that with a toy that she may or may not play with? And to think, Agri-Action is almost always right around her birthday, so we could make it a tradition if she wants. Now don't worry, she did get some toys and fun things for her birthday. That is what Grandparents and Aunts and Uncles are for.

This is all a little random, I guess. I'm going to blame it on the cold making my brain fuzzy. Anyway, that is what I've been up to.

Learning Experiences

2011-01-23T15:13:00.001-08:00

Have you ever had so many thoughts running through your head and they are so jumbled that you just know if you try to write them down they won't make any sense? The whole month of December and into the beginning of January was like that for me. Then, there is the fact that I think too many people are way too open on the internet and some things should be kept personal. In a way to sort through some of that and still keep personal those things that really didn't need to be shared to the whole world, I haven't blogged much lately. I think I'm a little better now. I'm coming down from my sugar high, my hormones seem to be leveling out a bit, and the stress of the holidays is over.

You know, Fall and Winter are full of all kinds of stress and stress inducers. It starts with Halloween. You know what I realized, I don't like Halloween. I don't like having to find the perfect costume, I don't like taking the kids around especially since it can be very cold here, and I REALLY don't like all the candy that comes with Halloween. I believe I have an addiction to sugar. I love it, but it really doesn't love me. Halloween comes, I eat a lot of candy because my kids don't need it, right? Then, my blood sugar crashes and I feel down, so I eat more candy, and thus begins the sugar roller coaster. I tried talking the family out of Halloween this last year, but it didn't go over too well, then the flu hit our house. We really didn't end up doing much celebrating as it was. I am going to try harder next year to think of some other way to get out of this sugar orgy that we call Halloween.

Shortly after Halloween comes Thanksgiving. Now, Thanksgiving is just about my favorite holiday. The family all comes together, we eat, we play games, and we enjoy being a family. The biggest stress comes from cooking, but no matter which side of the family we are celebrating with, it seems that everyone helps out and so it isn't that much stress. However, more sugar follows in the form of pies. If your pie didn't get all the way eaten then you have leftovers to take home, too.

You better get take advantage of some rest on Thanksgiving because Christmas starts the next day. For us that means going and getting our tree, which is fun. After the fun, though, there is the stress of presents and putting up the decorations and making neighbor gifts and somewhere in there teaching your kids that Christmas isn't about Santa and presents and trees, it is about Jesus Christ. Behind all of that is again, sugar. We dip pretzels and oreo cookies into chocolate and caramel. We make almond bark and peanut butter balls. The stores are full of Santa and bell shaped chocolates and the ever present candy cane. Knowing that I don't handle sugar well, I resisted most of this, but it is so easy to have just a little more than normal since it's the holidays.

Any normal year I'd be just a little stressed, but okay, but this wasn't any normal year. The Monday after Thanksgiving Robert unexpectedly, and unfairly, lost his job. Due to some dishonesty from his employer, he was unable to collect unemployment. He began immediately looking for another job, but the fields of Landscaping and Agriculture, where he is most familiar, are not really hiring people when there is snow on the ground. I became very angry and bitter, two of the most negative emotions a person can have. Robert was angry, too, but he seemed to overcome it sooner than I did. I really had to pray a lot to let go of those bad feelings. Following that I felt empty and the word that best describes my emotional state was despair. I had never felt despair like that before. In the past I've relied a lot on the hope that the future would be better. I've had time after time where that has proven to be the case and even though I believed that things would get better, I lost hope that it would actually happen. I didn't know how we were going to pay our bills. I hated having people help us out because I didn't know what to do for them and I didn't know when things would get better. I knew even once Robert found a job, (if he found a job) we would be playing catch-up financially and I wondered how we would ever get back on top. I felt so very helpless. We didn't feel like I should get a job, and I just didn't know what to do. I knew what I really needed was a little more faith. Faith in Jesus Christ and His promised blessings. Faith that even though we made some mistakes that we were still doing what we could to follow Him and that He would not leave us comfortless. Faith that even though we didn't know why we were having this struggle, that it was really for our good. Faith to learn whatever lesson it was that we were supposed to learn from this.

I have learned a few things. I learned that just because a pair of pants get a hole in the knee does not mean they are immediately destined to become cut-offs. They can be patched, especially if you catch the hole quickly before it gets too big. With a little creativity you can even make the patches look super cute and then the pants are even more desirable than they were before you patched them. I have learned that I have a lot of resources available to me and that if I combine those with the talents I've been blessed with, I can still do good. I have a lot of yarn and it doesn't take much to make a pair of mittens which I can then pass on to school teachers who can share with those children who either don't have something to keep their hands warm, or forget. I am learning to create meals from foods that are inexpensive and have long storage lives. I WILL find a squash recipe my family likes, either that, or they will finally get used to eating it. I am learning that being the best wife and mother I can be is the most important thing I can do. That means doing the laundry, washing the dishes and sweeping the floor are not just household chores, but means of bringing me and my family closer to Christ.

Now, Robert has accepted a job offer. I really do hope I learned what I needed to because with this job I am sure that I will have many more lessons to learn.

101

2011-01-04T06:36:00.000-08:00

Somehow over the course of time I reached 100 posts, and this is #101! What a crazy ride this life is. I know if I had posted all of the times I thought about posting I would be way past 101 by now, I'd be at like 500, but then kids wake up, or I'm in bed (I do my best thinking with my head on the pillow). So, here is to the New Year!!!!

Re-cap of my goals for the past year.

Goal #1- Take piano lessons:
Didn't happen. Mainly because our money went different places. That being said, I was called to be the pianist in Primary and so now I will be teaching myself and getting a lot of piano practice in.

Goal #2- Paint my room:
Again, didn't happen. Reason- no money for paint, at least the paint I want. I have some paint from my mom and from other projects, so I could use that, but they aren't the colors I want. In fact, no room in the house was painted this year.

Goal #3- Establish a strawberry bed:
Ummm, yeah. The bed is there, all laid out, but planting the strawberries didn't turn out so good this year. Robert and I have different ideas on gardening, both good, but both don't always match up. Somehow the location we picked for a strawberry bed gets dried out really fast. I tried to keep up with watering it, but alas, the plants shriveled up and died.

Goal #4- Finish curtains for the sliding glass door:
Nope, this didn't happen either. It wasn't that I didn't spend time at my sewing machine, it just was that I had other things I was working on, like patching the knees in pants, or turning pants into skirts. Things that kept the family clothed.

Goal #5- Refinish coffee table:
Well, this one got about half way done, so that's progress. I got it painted and a layer or resin poured in. I thought I had enough resin, but it didn't go as far as I wanted it to, so I bought a big thing on the internet and it had gelled somehow and wouldn't work, so that was a bust. I would still like to make the resin layer thicker, but it works for right now.

So yeah, not much of what I intended to do got done this year, and honestly, I don't feel too bad about it. While each of the above goals were good ones, I spent my time on things that I felt were more important, and my money also. I know that I did a lot of things that were less important, too though. This year I would like to work on that a little bit.

I don't really know what my goals for this coming year will be. A lot of things happened this past year that have made me reflect on what is important and what I really want out of my life and who I want to become. One thing that I know I want to do, though, is to simplify. I want to simplify my house and my life in a major way. I'll let you know how that goes.

My Cup Runneth Over

2010-12-05T19:29:00.000-08:00

A week ago, today, I was set apart as the Primary Pianist. Good thing I have a piano again, huh? To say I felt inadequate is an understatement. I have always been surrounded by music. My mom played piano the whole time I was growing up and I took lessons for a little while when I was younger, but then life got busy and playing the piano went into the background. After we moved here I got my own piano, but I didn't really play it all that often. Oh, I made token efforts to play and the kids would plink out a tune here and there, but that was all. I am not that good and I'll be the first to tell you that I really should have payed better attention to my piano teacher all those years ago. Still, I believe the the Lord qualifies those whom he calls. As I was struggling to learn one of the songs that I was asked to play I just felt very overwhelmed, so I went into my room and poured out my heart in prayer. As I was doing this, I began to realize that while I will struggle with this, and I will make mistakes, that this is for my good and benefit and also for the benefit of my family. That because I was given this calling, I will improve my talent of playing the piano. My children will have wholesome music in our home and it will be a blessing to us to gather around the piano and sing, much as it was a blessing for me to sing while my mom played in our home growing up. I hope that as I play that my children will come to love and appreciate music. Taylor already wants to learn the piano, but I don't know how to teach her, but maybe that will come, too. I am already seeing an improvement in the songs I've been practicing, which is good since we will be performing them in a couple of weeks. I'm still not sure how I will get all my practicing in since Rachel likes to climb on my lap and play once she hears me playing, but somehow it will come, this I believe. I am truly grateful for this opportunity and even though I do feel overwhelmed at times, I am also at peace.

Life is difficult right now, but the Lord is mindful of me and my family. He knows our needs before we do, like me getting a piano before I knew I would need it. He will strengthen us and support us if we put our trust in Him and let Him lead us. I don't know what the future will bring, but I know it will be wonderful. There is a song from The Forgotten Carols where the singer tells us that she didn't get the things she wanted, but she was given what she needed. What we think we want and what we think we need may not be what we really need, but what we get from the Lord is always for our good, even if it is something that causes us to struggle, like me stumbling through these Christmas songs.

Changes

2010-11-14T20:44:00.000-08:00

Change is hard, even when it is good, or maybe especially when it is good. I had a few days a while ago when I really loved cleaning my house. I found joy in vacuuming and washing dishes, happiness in sweeping and folding laundry. For about 2 weeks I regularly got up early and took the dogs out for a walk/jog. I was feeling more energetic, happier and stronger, then life happens. Kids get sick, I get sick, we go out of town for the weekend and schedules get messed up. Daylight Savings time ends! Once again, I am back to my old ways. See, the thing is, the changes I was making really weren't harder to do, and they actually made me feel a whole lot better, but the hard part was mental. It was fixing my thinking and just doing. I think that 90% of the battle is just getting started, to just move! Why is it so hard to change course, though. Why is it so hard to head to the kitchen sink instead of the bookshelf, or to load the laundry instead of just shoving it into a basket? Does 20 minutes of laying in bed awake, not getting up and making me more tired really better than just getting up and walking the dog? No, but it's the getting started. So, here is to getting started!

Unexpected Blessings

2010-11-13T06:36:00.000-08:00

Our Heavenly Father is generous and good. A few weeks ago we had a large bill come due and needed some money quickly. There was no truly easy way to come up with that amount, so we sold our piano. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done, I loved my piano. I loved how pretty it was, I loved sitting at it and hearing the notes come to life under my fingers, I love having the kids plunk out notes and discovering the wonderful world of music. I love how pretty it was mostly, though. I was a little bit prideful about my piano. I felt like it had almost become an idol in my house and I needed to prove my Heavenly Father and myself that the piano was not more important to me than my family or anything else. Now, we sold it to my brother, so it is still in the family and I can go visit it anytime I want, but it is his now, not mine.

I knew we would get another piano someday. I figured it would be a couple of years down the road, but we would get another piano. Well, I went to pick Taylor up from a friend's birthday party and the mom, out of nowhere, asked me if I wanted her piano. She had heard from another friend about my other piano and how sad I was and she had a piano that she was just using for decoration and didn't want in her house anymore, so would I like it? The piano is out of tune, missing a wheel and has a broken hammer, but other than that, it is great. It has all the same keys and will play all the same songs. Robert and one of his friends moved it in last night. It is so nice to hear the sounds of music in our house again.

Monday's Miracles

2010-11-01T09:12:00.000-07:00

Christmas Music- I'm going to now admit that I've been listening to it for 2 weeks now, and it drives Robert nuts!

Priesthood blessings.

Pomegranates

Doritos

Carpet & Carpet Shampooers

Thoughts on running

2010-10-27T10:09:00.000-07:00

I think I'm starting to get why runners run. We have this puppy who has a lot of energy and needs a lot of exercise. I've read that one of the best things you can do for them is to take them on walks and runs, so that opportunity has fallen mainly to me. This puppy also got sick and we were taking care of him inside, so now he believes he is an inside dog. That means house training him. I really don't want to be cleaning up puppy messes all over my house again. And this dog is a whole lot bigger, so his messes are bigger, too. One of the things that I have discovered is to take him out first thing in the morning to go for a walk/run and let him relieve himself. I would walk for a while, then jog for a while, then walk, then jog. As I was coming to the point where I would start walking after jogging, my legs felt like they were on auto-pilot and were going to keep jogging. I wondered if that is what joggers feel, that almost out of body sensation. If you know me, you know that I don't like running, I don't like sweating, and if exercise isn't also entertaining (like dancing), then I'm really not that into it. Working out with our dogs, though, has stretched me. I even ran in the rain. I can already tell a difference in my lung capacity and my heart is getting stronger, too. I am beginning to see why some people say that running is addicting. So I guess I'll keep it up. I'm a little worried how it will all work out with winter coming, though.

I Like Monday

2010-10-19T12:08:00.000-07:00

You know, I have to admit, I actually like Monday. I like the fact that after the weekend has been crazy and not our "normal" schedule that on Monday I can take back control and feel more structured. I like the fun of Saturday and the peace of Sunday, but I like the structure of Monday, too. Monday thru Friday are fairly consistent and when I feel like so many other things in my life may be crazy, I love that these stay fairly the same. Of course there are some deviations to the day. Thursdays we have story time and occasionally I have a meeting in the evening, or a trip to town. And no matter what the past week brought, Monday is a new beginning. A new chance for me to create the kind of home that I want. I can start over on my goals. That is refreshing for me. So, even though I was at my breaking point last week, this week I'm good.

I'm There

2010-10-14T18:55:00.000-07:00

Have you ever felt like you've just reached a point where you aren't sure if you can deal with anything anymore? That emotionally you are just spent? I am just about there. I am exhausted and I think if one more thing comes up I may just end up letting my kids raid the fridge for whatever and curl up with a book in my room and not come out for a long time. Actually, that really doesn't sound that bad right now.

The Ocean

2010-10-02T17:17:00.001-07:00

I miss the beach. I miss the gentle breeze blowing across my face as I lay on my towel and listen to the waves crash against the shore. I miss the peace I can find as I focus on the sound of the waves and let the world slip away. I miss the smell of the salty air. I wish there was an ocean beach closer to Idaho. Maybe when California falls off into the sea.

Monday's Miracles

2010-09-27T18:47:00.000-07:00

1. Running water
2. The freezer
3. Chickens
4. Dry Erase markers
5. The alarm on my phone

Appreciation for my Husband

2010-09-23T20:04:00.000-07:00

I know I just posted about some of the good things in my life that included my husband, but I would love to expand on this one. I think each year that goes by and each time I visit with girlfriends, I gain a greater appreciation for my husband and our relationship. Things were rocky at times in the beginning and I had to really learn how to communicate better with him. Much of what I said was said in a way that hurt him when I didn't mean it to, but he was patient and gentle enough to let me know what I was doing and work with me as I tried to change. Sometimes I still say things the wrong way, but now I am more mindful and I am trying to be better. Ever since I have known Robert, though, he has always respect what I had to say. He really listens to what I say and often times remembers things that I've said better than I do. I really have to be careful about saying I want something, because the odds are he will remember and try to get it for me.

He has always been respectful of my feelings and moods. He may not understand why I feel the way I do or how my thought process works, but he once told me that even if he doesn't understand my feelings, they are real to me and therefore important to him. He has never tried to get me to do something I've been uncomfortable with. When we were looking to buy a house we did a lot of talking about where we would move and the kind of house we wanted. We didn't always agree and we didn't always communicate very well, but we made it though that time and we are still together. If something is bothering me or if I don't understand something then he will take the time to explain it to me. I love that.

Robert is also quite the romantic. I remember one birthday in particular. I was working that day and when he came to pick me up he told me that he had arranged a babysitter for us. I can't remember if we had one child or two, but we dropped them off with my sister-in-law and then went to our apartment. I got to take a nice, long bubble bath with no distractions while Robert cooked us a yummy dinner. We had fettuccine Alfredo with chicken and a salad. We ate this by candlelight on our little dining table. Then I got a relaxing back rub. He's the greatest, isn't he?

Being a Woman

2010-09-23T11:32:00.000-07:00

I've been pondering a lot lately on what it means to be a woman and most especially what it means for me. I'm not just a woman, I'm a wife and a mother, a sister and an aunt. I have many titles, some of which include Homemaker, Domestic Goddess, Sister, Honey, and Mommy. What does all of that look like and what does it feel like? I know that many of these answers will look different for different people, so just remember, this is me I'm talking about here.

First off, I'm a bit of a girly girl. I don't like sweating, I don't like getting my hands dirty and I do like to dress up. I've been known to ride an emotional roller coaster on more than one occasion without having any other reason than the fact that I'm a girl. It's even worse when I'm pregnant. I'm not very good at housekeeping, but I do love to have things around me be pretty. I like doing crafts like crochet, knitting, tatting, sewing and quilting. I like to do my girls hair and put cute bows and flowers in it. I love talking on the phone or getting together with my girlfriends or sisters or mom and just visiting. I am social.

I believe that men and women are distinctly different and have separate roles in life. I do think that men are hardwired to want to provide and protect. I think that nurturing is hardwired into women. That isn't to say that women can't do as good a job as a man or that a man can't be tender and soft either. To me it means that they are different, but each important. Just as most people have hands and feet, both are important, but each has a different purpose. So it is with men and women. Each could survive without the other, but together life is just easier.

The desire of my heart is to be the best woman that I can be. To be feminine and nurturing and to be an example to my daughters of what it means to be a woman. I asked some friends what they thought of when they heard the word feminine. One friend thought of softness, gentility and grace. One friend thought more of what it looks like, make-up done, hair fixed up and cute clothes. This is what one of my friends had to say, though:
"When I think of "feminine" I think of the most early days of feminism - before it meant "the same as men" -- as opposed to "equal to." I think "feminine" is the very essence of being a woman in all ways - soft but strong, gentle as well as genteel. A woman has an immense amount of power over all the people in her lives, and I believe that a "feminine" woman wields that power wisely and in the best interests of all those over whom she holds sway."
I love that.

No where in there does it mean that someone who is feminine is weak. It doesn't mean that she can't take care of herself or do things for herself. As she said, women have power and that we can choose how we wield that power so that it is "in the best interest of all those over whom she holds sway." We can be soft and gentle without giving up our values and standards.

I also agree that there is a look that is feminine. Here is one place where it is open to interpretation, but my views are this, blue jeans are not feminine. Don't get me wrong, I love my jeans and I know that there are times that my husband thinks they look really great on me, but I don't think that sexy is the same as feminine. Pants in general are not feminine. Skirts and dresses are feminine, but not if they are too short or too revealing. Again, sexy is not the same as feminine. I know a company that strongly suggests that it's female consultants and employees wear skirts with blouses or dresses, hosiery, and pumps. In the studies that they have seen, women are more successful when they look the part of professional, feminine women. I have to agree, dressing like a girl does something to you. Does this mean I go around wearing skirts and dresses all the time, no. In truth, I would like to wear more skirts, but the ones I have right now are more of a dressy style and I don't want to be wearing them everyday. I really want to make me some skirts, but I haven't gotten around to it yet. Something that I do try to do everyday is put my make-up on. For me, when my face is put together I feel more put together. Some days I really feel like a harried housewife, but with my make-up on I know that I don't have to look like a harried housewife. Plus, when I was dating my husband I quite often wore make-up and dressed up to look nice for him. Just because we are married and he has seen me at my worst doesn't mean that I always have to look like that for him. He is still important to me and I still want to make myself look nice for him, even if he says I look beautiful no matter what. I've known women who didn't believe in cosmetics and said that they were just an artificial mask or whatever, but then I've heard quoted a man who said that even a barn needs paint. Do I think women need cosmetics, no. At least no in the sense that each woman is a beautiful daughter of God. However, I do think that often when a woman takes the time to make herself look nice, whatever that means to her, then she radiates confidence and self-esteem. For me, that includes wearing make-up. Do I look fine without make-up, yes, do I feel better when I wear it, yes. Do I paint it on so that I don't look like me, no. So, in a nutshell, dress in skirts or dresses, wear make-up to look feminine.

Now, to the role of being a nurturer. Wow, that's a big one. I view this as the primary responsibility of womanhood. For me, my view is changing every day. At one time I embraced the idea of equal in everything as far as housework went. I cooked, he did dishes. I washed the laundry and folded it, he put it away. Now my views are changing on that, however. Robert works hard each day to provide and take care of us. I view it as my responsibility to nurture him and our family and that means taking care of things inside the house. Of course I love it when he helps out, but I don't think I will be expecting it anymore. I say that but old habits die hard and I'm sure that there will be times I slip back into my old ways of thinking. My new way of thinking about it is that I love my family and this is one way I am choosing to show that love for them. So when I get irritated about doing the dishes or picking up all the books that are scattered around, I will just remember that I am showing love for my family and even if they don't realize it that maybe they will feel it. I also hope that this will allow me to feel greater peace and joy as I am vacuuming the floor or folding the laundry.

Nurture is more than housework, though. It is also taking the time to be with each child and understand their personalities and what they need. It is soothing them when they aren't feeling well, rejoicing with them when they've accomplished a difficult task, and mourning with them when they are sad. Nurturing is teaching children the important things in life, that your family loves you no matter what, that you are special and can do hard things with hard work, that the only people you really need to please are yourself and God. Nurturing is saying "no" when it is the best answer and it is saying "yes" when all you really want to do is hold them in your arms and make them stay small. Nurturing is loving those around you in the way that they need to be loved.

This is what I think it means to be a woman and this is what I am working for.

Some of the Good Things

2010-09-16T19:59:00.000-07:00

I feel like I've been blogging and ruminating on all my troubles and confusions that I have neglected to remember all the good thing in my life. I may have a few troubles and bumps in the road, but my blessings far outweigh my trials. So, here are a couple of things that are really great about my life:

My husband. I have a wonderful husband who loves me and supports me in all that I do. He is sensitive to my emotions and needs. His very presence helps me to feel more calm. He is also a wonderful father. He plays with the kids and gets up with them in the middle of the night so that I can sleep. Yeah, Robert is a definate blessing in my life.

My children. I learn so many things from them and they bring such sunshine into my day. I sometimes forget how much fun a few sticks and rocks can be. They remind me to look at the clouds and see what shapes I can find, or the joy of just snuggling on the couch with a bunch of kids reading a book. There is something peaceful about snuggling with a child and having them fall asleep on your lap. They may bring noise into the house, but they also bring me peace.

My extended family. I am so blessed to have so much of my family close by. If I need to run errands in town then my kids can play with their cousins. There has also been more than one Sunday where the two older girls were left sitting with Grandma and Grandpa because both Robert and I were out with one of the little ones. The kids get to go out irrigating with Grandpa and they love that. My parents are a short drive away and they have helped in numerous ways, like sharing of the bounty of their garden. Add to all of that all the wonderful technology that allows us to keep in touch with family that is not close by. Telephones, the internet, and webcams have helped keep us in touch.

This beautiful spot of land where I live. It may be a struggle to get a lawn in and the wind may blow, but it is ours to do with what we want. We have fruit trees and a garden to supply us with food during the summer and fall months. We can do what we want and plant what we want here, as long as it is legal. We can have our pets, and someday we will most likely have some livestock, too. We have some of the prettiest sunrises and sunsets out here without building all over to get in the way. Without light pollution we can see millions of stars at night and it is beautiful!

My church and my testimony. This should have been the first thing on my list, but it is the one that I get the most comfort from. I know that I am a daugher of God. I know that if I put my trust in Him then life is good, maybe not in the way I think it should be, but life is good. I find peace in knowing that my Savior is always with me and that He understands what it is I am going through. I know that when I do my best, even though I'm not perfect, that He will make up the difference and help make things work out in my best interest. I know that I can have my family with me forever and that is one of the things that really matters in life. I am not always good with words, and I don't know how to explain feelings, but I do know that when I think about Jesus Christ and all that He has done for me, I'm in awe. I've had so many examples in my life where things came at what was really the best time, even though it wasn't the time I would have chosen.

So, even when the little things crowd around and make life seem super crazy, there are a couple of things that don't change and they are the things that really matter to me. There are more than what I have listed, but for now, these are some of the good things in life.

Mixed emotions

2010-09-02T20:12:00.000-07:00

The beginning of the school year brings mixed feelings for me. My girls are so excited and I'm excited for them. They will get to reunite with old friends, make new friends, open brand new school supplies and learn new things. The hard part for me is that I don't know what is going on when they are playing on the playground. I don't know if kids are being mean, or crude, or worse. I don't know how the teacher is answering their questions about life and society and morality. I don't know what books they are reading or having read to them. I don't know all of their friends and what their homes are like. And what if I do know and I don't fully agree with something? This is a small town and little splashes make big waves.

I have a couple of friends who homeschool their children. I love the idea. I love the fact that I could be the one teaching them right and wrong, teaching them what I believe about morality and God. I love to have them near me and share with me the exciting things they find and discover. My son has discovered that blue and yellow make green and he's only 3 (he discovered this by peeing into a toilet that had a blue cleaning tablet in it). He was so excited by his discovery and I'm glad that I was there for him to tell me. Yet, even though I love the idea, I'm not ready for this.

I have to admit, when school started this year, along with all my fears and concerns, there was a little bit of relief. This past year has been difficult for me, dealing with some postpartum depression and learning to cope with and without medication. Dealing with issues concerning Robert's employment and how that has affected our family. Having thoughts and feelings challenged in numerous ways and trying to figure out what I believe and how to make the changes to my life. I'm still figuring all this out. I want to teach my children how to be happy, centered people, but I can't do that until I become more centered myself. I think that is what I am doing now. I feel guilty for handing my girls over to someone else for a large portion of their day, but for right now, for me, I need to. Someday I want all my kids home with me. I want to see them love learning and excelling in their studies. I want to watch them as they discover the world around them, but right now if I was to bring my girls home, I'm not sure I would be helping them. That is a tough pill to swallow, so I better get moving so that I am worthy of my children and ready to be that teacher that they need.

Early Mornings

2010-08-20T08:08:00.000-07:00

This morning when Robert got up, I got up with him. It's a lot earlier than I usually get up, but I thought I'd see how it goes. I feel GREAT! I got up, ate something, read my scriptures and then went for a walk/jog. Came in, showered and got myself all ready for the day. I've already got a load of laundry washed and in the dryer and I just feel so ahead. I love this feeling.

There is something good to be said about getting up early and getting going. I don't mean getting up and then lazing around in your comfy jammies, but getting up and starting your day. I know that I get more done in the first part of the day than I seem to get done in the later part of the day. I don't know why that is, but that is what happens in my house. Yet even though I know this, I've told myself enough times that I don't like to get up that my brain believes that and fights me when I try to get up early. I need to re-program my thinking. I love mornings and I love greeting the day bright and early!

In the World, but not of it

2010-08-15T07:56:00.000-07:00

I read a book recently that took place in the time of Christ. One of the prominent groups of people during that time were the Pharisees. The Pharisees made it their life's work to study the law of Moses and to observe it strictly. They believed that by doing this they were doing God's will. Yet, they became so focused on making sure that they were following every jot and tittle that they lost the reason for the Law. The Law was given so that man might draw closer to God.

I wonder if sometimes we get so caught up in doing what's "right" or giving up things that are "worldly" that we forget the why. Are we become zealous in giving up the world for God that we lose sight of Him?

There were also the Zealots in the time of Christ that wouldn't believe he was the Messiah because he preached peace and forgiveness. They believed that the Messiah would come with sword in hand and call the Jews to take up arms and overthrow their Roman captors. They believed they also were doing right by fighting the Romans. They, too, were trying to follow scripture, but with the wrong idea also.

Do we also try to go about following Christ, but end up not understanding what he really means? I think it is very easy to do something for the right reasons and then continue doing it for the wrong ones.

As I ponder this, I wonder, where is the point where I need to be? There are so many good things in this world. Some are better than others and of course some are the best. I think each person would agree that they have a color or ice cream flavor or brand of something that they view as "best". So what is best for me may not be best for someone else. Still, some things are standard good. Healthwise, smoking is not good, we know that. Breads, pasta and meats are better, but fruits and vegetables are best. As to things of this world, some things I believe are just trash. There are a lot of television shows that I feel are pointless and degrading. We don't have cable or satelite or anything like that. We do occasionally watch movies, but even then, some are better than others. The same things goes for books, some are just garbage. They have no moral code or plot or are just twisted around so that wrong is right and right is wrong. I won't read those. Others are fine, they have nothing wrong with them, but they aren't really good either, they are just something to read. And then you have books that are engaging, teach a lesson and make you think. Those are some of the ones that I've enjoyed the most. I've begun to look at the things I read and watch differently.

I heard the phrase once that if you aren't moving forward then you are going backwards. The world is constantly going and if you aren't, then you will be falling behind. So, even if I think I'm not doing anything wrong, if I'm not doing something right then I'm going backwards, or falling behind. I realize that we all need down time, but is that down time still lifting me up and helping me be a better person, or is it just keeping me where I am, in which case, I'm not going forward and I'm falling behind? Is this book/movie/blog/activity that I am spending my time on enriching my life or not? While I am occupied with this book/movie/blog/activity, how do I feel? Do I feel good and uplifted or do I feel down, angry, bitter or confused? Does it bring me happiness and joy, or is it a rush that will lead to a crash and burn later?

I feel like my thoughts are random and scattered, but I have a hard time putting words to the emotions in my heart. I strive to be better than I am. I strive to know what is best for my family. I believe that there are many good ideas out there and if done for the right reasons and with the right attitude can be a really positive thing in someones life, but I also know that if done for the wrong reason and with the wrong attitude, they can lead to bitterness, hurt, and damaged relationships. I think it's a hard balance to find and I also think that once you know what is good and what is not, then you are responsible for making those changes and you will be held accountable for your decisions. Change can be hard and it can be uncomfortable, but the right changes will eventually turn out good and bring happiness and joy, this I believe.

Happy/Sad

2010-08-05T20:49:00.000-07:00

I am so excited for my sister and her little family to begin their latest adventure, but I'm really sad that my best friend is moving away.

My sister and I haven't always been the greatest of friends, in fact, for a long time she was my biggest pest! But that was a long time ago. It seems like she's always just kinda been there fairly close. I shared a room with her almost as long as I can remember growing up. After she graduated she moved to the same town I was living in and I would take my kids over and visit with her, or she would come visit me. At one point in time she lived with me until she got married, and then she only moved 2 doors down. It's true, I moved away first, but I still saw her just about every week, so I wasn't really gone, but now she will be.

I am excited for the opportunity my brother-in-law has to go to law school. The two of them will finally get some time together without family always coming around and butting in. I've heard that Missoula is really pretty and is a nice place to live. I know that my sister can find friends wherever she goes, she just has that spunk!

On the other hand, I'm really going to miss dropping by to see her when I go to town. I'm going to miss dragging her along shopping with me because I don't want to take all four kids by myself, or better yet, leaving the kids with her at her house while I go shopping by myself. I know my kids are going to miss having sleep-overs at her house. Their aunt and uncle spoil them rotten and are so much fun! I'm going to miss dragging her to meetings with me to be my "guest" because I just didn't want to go by myself. There are a million other things that I am going to miss also, but mostly, I'm just going to miss her presence. She won't be that far away, but it's the farthest away she will be since we actually became friends, along with being family :) Thank goodness for telephones and for fast automobiles.

stress-free zone

2010-07-26T20:19:00.000-07:00

We finally have our desktop computer back. I have really missed it. My pictures go up so much easier and it is more comfortable for me to type at. It also has more of an "office" feel to it, which can be nice. So, now I'm catching up on things. I put all of my pictures off my camera onto the the computer. I am in the process of adding them to blog posts. I am also catching up on other things online since our lap top decided to have issues with me.

So, what have I been up to? Well, besides all the family camping and stuff, not much. I've been thinking lately about the way some people react to stress. I know some people who just face it head on and work their way through it. I know others who would like to ignore it and pretend that everything is normal, there's no stress, and still others who run and hide. I am somewhere between the ignoring and running and hiding variety. I know that the best way to get through something difficult is to just face it and get it over with, but that doesn't always make it easier. When I am faced with something unpleasant my first thought is "where can I hide so I don't have to deal with this?" Depending on the task I can quickly talk myself into just getting it over with, or I do "hide" by playing computer games or getting absorbed into a book. In the end, though, both of those things end. A game doesn't last forever and I've yet to find a never ending book, so I'm back facing the real world. Sometimes my respite is enough for me to put things in perspective, but most times all it did was delay the inevitable.

I'm sure knowing all this will help me someday, but all the knowing in the world does no good unless it is put into action.

Getting through the Summer

2010-07-07T08:04:00.001-07:00

This summer has gone way too fast! It's already July and it feels like it just started. I don't think I've done half of what I wanted to get done this summer. I do feel better that we have a lawn and our garden is in. I only hope that we can get something from it. The cooler weather has slowed the growth of a lot of the garden. As for me, many days I feel like I'm just trying to keep my head above water. I try not to compare myself to other moms, but a lot of times I do. I wonder "how do they keep their houses so clean? How do they seem to have time to do x, y, and z? How do they have it all together?" Of course, I don't see their day to day and many of the mom's I'm comparing myself too have children that are in different stages than mine. The other day I spent probably 8 out of 10 hours in the kichen/dining room area of my house. I tell you what, when Robert got home, I wanted nothing to do with that room! Between dishes and cooking and trying to find where the funny smell was coming from in the pantry, I was tired. I also spent time helping Taylor with a project at the kitchen table.

I have been trying to de-clutter my house. I have come to the conclusion that we have too much stuff and it's taking up space and making my house feel cluttered. I don't know what to do with it and it is seriously stressing me out. If things don't have a place and they get piled on the counter, or table, or dresser then my house looks cluttered and that is not a peaceful feeling. So, I went through my books. I took out a lot of books. Ones that were good, but I'd probably never read again, ones that if I wanted to read I could check out from the Library, but maybe didn't need to have. I also went through a lot of the kids books. They are growing older and I think they should have more advanced books. One or two books on counting is good, we don't need 5. I can point out objects in all kinds of pictures, so I don't need books that say what pants are or what a tree is. Rachel loves to look at family pictures and I can point out just as many things in those that I don't need an extra book on the shelf. Robert also went through a lot of his books. We went through our movies and took a lot out. Honestly, I don't want that much t.v. and I don't like the kids watching too much because then they get mean if I turn it off. The kids also have too many clothes. When they can't close their drawers and won't put their clothes away because they have no where for the clothes to go, then there are too many. So, we went through and picked out the things they wear the most and got rid of the things that they don't ever or hardly ever wear. Now they have more room in their dresser to put their clothes away and I have less laundry to wash. We still need to go through their toys. I am hoping that by selling their toys at a yard sale and letting them get something with the money then they will be less hesitant to part with their things. Something that we have been enjoying lately is audio books and I would like to encourage them to put their money towards that, or to save it for a big family trip sometime in the future.

Monday Miracles

2010-06-21T08:14:00.000-07:00

1. Boxes- Do you know what you can do with a box? Depending on the size, you pack stuff in it, or empty, a box can become a boat, a rocket, a house, or a dolly swimming pool. Yes, boxes are wonderful.

2. Q-tips- So good for so many things.

3. Marble- You can take this rock and make countertops, cutting boards, rolling pins, use it in architecture, and besides being strong, it's beautiful.

4.Trees- You get paper for books, wood for the fire, logs to build houses, yes, trees are a miracle.

5. Cherries- Yum

Racing

2010-05-28T21:02:00.001-07:00

So, I'm kinda thinking that I want to run a 5K. I want to have something to work for and I want to improve my cardiovascular health, and I've heard running is good for that. I have some friends we recently ran a 5K and I really admire them and wonder if I even could? I think I could. We usually go down to Utah for the 4th of July weekend and they have a 5K and 10K race in the morning and last year my SIL ran the 5K while her husband ran the 10K. I was very impressed. Of course, if I'm really going to do this, I probably should do some running before then, right? Looking at my schedule, that means probably in the mornings before Robert leaves for work. Luckily it is light then, but man, I am not sure about getting up earlier. It would probably be good for me, though, so I think I should just suck it up and go for it. Yeah, that's what I'll do, just go for it. Anyone have any advice?

My Coffee Table

2010-05-16T18:19:00.000-07:00

One of the goals that I've had for a while is to re-do my coffee table. I didn't like the color of the design and I wanted to make it more my own to fit my tastes. I had this idea in my head, but I needed Robert's help with it and we finally found some time for him to do what I needed. I think it looks pretty good. I didn't have enough of the resin that fills in the middles of the tables, so I'm waiting on some of that, but it is usable now and I like it!

I didn't get any of the resin on the matching end table, but it is all ready. I think they are going to look so amazing when they are all done.

Media Diet

2010-05-12T21:00:00.000-07:00

Listening to some talks a while ago and also reading some things I realized that I spent way too much time with my electronic media. Too much time on the computer, too much time on the phone, too much time with the radio and the t.v. So, I decided to go on a media diet. I allowed myself a few minutes in the morning and at night to get online, but I cut out a lot of the fluff stuff that I used to do, including any games that I played. I turned off the radio in the car and didn't turn on my itunes in the house. T.v. hasn't ever been really big, so we didn't do too much changing there and the same goes for the phone.

I started this a few weeks ago and it has been interesting. The first thing I noticed is that I went through withdrawals from my music. Now, I know many people who will say music isn't bad and what is the harm of having it on during the day? Also, much music can be uplifting and inspiring, and I completely agree, but with all the background noise of the music, I was missing a lot of what my kids were saying and doing. I began to hear other things that I hadn't noticed before. The same thing went with traveling in the car. It was a lot easier to hear what the kids were trying to tell me and I didn't have to say "wait until this song is done" or "I just want to finish listening to what they have to say on the radio". Instead, we talked and sang songs. It was more of a bonding experience than previously. And then in the quiet moments, I had time to think and reflect and that was nice.

The computer ended up not being has hard to let go of as I thought it would be. I have just kept myself busy doing other things. Things like reading books to the kids, picking up the house, putting together puzzles, and going outside if the weather is nice. I found that I really haven't missed out on too much if I only take a few minutes in the morning and evening. There have been a few times during the day when I have needed to look something up and I've turned the computer on, but those times have been the exception rather than the rule, and once I'm done, I turn the computer off. Our home has been better since I quit ignoring the kids so that I could play a game or mindlessly surf for things I didn't need.

This has been an interesting experience. I think it is something that I am going to keep doing. I guess if we want more music in our home, we will have to make it ourselves, maybe that will inspire me to practice the piano a little more ;)

Monday Miracles

2010-05-03T08:37:00.000-07:00

1. Hot running water
2. Kitchen Tables
3. Warm Sweatshirts
4. Fuzzy socks
5. Pillowtop mattresses

Getting Fit

2010-04-27T12:44:00.000-07:00

I have a drive to be more fit.... well, sorta. I have a desire that I am trying to turn into a drive. I want to not only be thinner, but I want to have more muscles. I want to be able to not only fit into my old jeans, but also be able to keep up with my kids and do things around my place. We are starting our own little personal farm here and you know what, it's a lot of work! We have trees to prune and water. In the fall there is fruit to harvest. We have a garden that needs taking care of. I finally got a lawn, but that means watering and mowing. I still want some flowers around the place and I need to get out and do that. Plus, there are fences to mend and all kinds of other stuff that Robert mainly does, but I don't want him to have to do it all after working a long day at his job.

So, to be healthier and more fit is a many faced project. I need to get more physical exercise. I'm learning a lot about exercise. There is cardio, which serves one purpose, and strength, which serves another purpose, and you need both to be optimally fit. And don't forget to stretch! Now, activity in any form is good, but if I want to kick it up and be able to move and lift things that are kinda heavy, I need to kick things up a notch.

Another part of being healthier is diet. No, I don't mean eating only cabbage soup for a week. I mean diet is all the things that you do eat. Diet should be a balance of all kinds of things. Food converts to energy which gives you strength to go about your day, but it also supplies vitamins and minerals that help to keep you healthy, or not. Some foods don't have those good things in them. Those are foods you should avoid. Notice the word "should". I have some foods that I really like, that aren't really that great for me. If I don't have those foods in the house then I do pretty good, but if they are around, well, I eat them. Not only do I eat them, I have a tendency to hoard them. I don't want to share and therefore I eat almost all of them. So, in order to not eat some of those things that are not so great for me, I try to keep good things around me. If I'm the only one doing the shopping then we are okay, but if I try to take others, or if others do it because I'm unable to make it to the store, then it's harder.

Being fit and healthy shouldn't just be a phase, it should be a lifestyle. It should be good habits and attitudes. If you have bad habits and attitudes, though, it can be hard to change. I am discovering this as a family. As I offer different choices to my kids they are not so grateful for my consideration to their health. I don't know why they are rebelling over certain things all of a sudden, but they are. One child doesn't like peanut butter so trying to put peanut butter in celery for her, she won't touch it. She also doesn't like beans, and I do quite a bit of cooking with beans. My son barely touches any vegetables, no matter how many times we put them in front of him or how many different ways we fix them to be appealing. I'm hoping that by growing some of our own vegetables this summer that it might help.

The hardest part of any journey is starting. So here is to a great start for the summer and the rest of my life! I WILL strengthen my body, I WILL eat nutritious foods, I WILL set a good example for my kids.

Monday's Miracles

2010-04-19T20:14:00.000-07:00

I haven't done these in a while and I am feeling a little ungrateful.

1. Warm showers
2. Dirt
3. Ceiling fans
4. Chickens
5. Revelation

Insecurities

2010-04-13T09:06:00.000-07:00

I am an insecure person. Whenever I hear of someone having a bad day or having their feelings hurt, I'm always worried that it was me. You see, I'm not very good with words. I can debate and argue okay, but conversations and trying to explain my heart, not so good. My words trip all over themselves and I just know that my intent is not coming across, so then I talk some more and it just ends up just getting more and more confused.

I had some good friends when I was in high school and college that for reasons I don't fully understand came to really hate me. One such person told how she wanted to smother me with a pillow and watch the life flow out of me. She was someone I really trusted and I don't know what happened to change our relationship. So now I fear getting close to anyone, even though I crave the closeness.

There is a part of me that tries to tell myself that I am doing the best I can. Yes, I will make mistakes, but I would never intentionally hurt anyone. All I can do is try my best to be a good friend and hope others see that. I try to tell myself that if I am trying my best to live my life full of integrity then what others think shouldn't bother me, but it does. I second guess what I've done and think of how I could have done things differently. They say hindsight is 20/20.

One of the things I've noticed about myself is that I want to make sure everything is okay. I want to be involved with everything my friends are involved in so that I can know what is going on and try to make their lives easier. Of course I can't do that. It tends to be viewed as butting in, and nobody likes that. So in the end, I end up creating what I fear. I hope one day to have the knowledge and wisdom to be a good friend. To know when to speak and when to keep quiet. Also, to be able to articulate my thoughts and feelings accurately.

New Job

2010-03-26T20:25:00.000-07:00

Robert has a new job. What a relief. It is for a new company that is starting up. They will be doing landscaping and also have their own nursery. He will be working year round, which will be good. The job is a little farther away, but the location has all sorts of conveniences. He will be closer to a lot of family, closer to Costco, closer to the library. His commute may end up taking twice as long simply because I may end up giving him a list of "honey-dos". This will be a new adventure for us and I hope that we are up to the challenge :)

It's Tuesday!

2010-03-24T09:29:00.000-07:00

Life, life, life. The snow is just about all gone, which is good. It also meant that we had a LOT of mud. Most of that is now dried, thank goodness. I was feeling like I could never keep my entry ways clean from all the mud everyone was dragging in. I decided to make a rug to put in the front entryway to maybe help with the mud. So, I am making a braided rag rug. It is turning out pretty cute so far. I did have to take a bunch of it out and re-do it because I was sewing it too tightly and it wouldn't lay flat. I think I am about half way done.

In walking outside we realized that our peach tree was attacked by mice and they ate all the bark around it for about 3 inches high. No peaches for us. Some of the other trees had small bits of bark taken off, but they should be okay. I love when the flowers start opening, it smells so good. It's still too cold for that, but soon......

We also discovered once the snow was gone, how much of a mess our dogs made. They got into some garbage sacks and now we have trash all over the back yard. It's time to break out the rakes and gloves and get it all cleaned up. I am super excited to see what changes we will be making to our yard this year. It is so much fun to see the before and after pictures.

I am doing okay. Life has been a little crazy this winter and we've had a lot of ups and downs, but we have been so blessed! Somehow we have made things work when we weren't sure how we were going to do it. We have had guardian angels watching over us and some great family standing beside us and supporting us. We have some more changes that are going to be affecting our family here soon. Robert is heading up right now to quit his job. He has had some other offers and will not be going back to the company he has been working for. Now we have to decide which of the offers will be best for our family. That means a lot of prayer for us in the next little while as to what decision would be better.

Love Languages

2010-02-17T08:00:00.000-08:00

I just found out my love language, it's Quality Time. I also found out Robert's. I knew that it would be one of two so it wasn't a big surprise when I asked him and had it confirmed. The thing is, it's not mine. Just great, I need to learn a new "language". And wouldn't you know, it's in an area that I am pretty weak in. So now I have two choices, I can either ignore it and go back to the way things were and feel lots of guilt, or I can work on making this area of my life stronger. That's the problem with gaining knowledge, it only means something if you apply it.

Lessons from the Bedside

2010-01-29T13:22:00.000-08:00

We have been trying to let Rachel learn to go back to sleep on her own. In other words, we let her cry for a while instead of picking her up everytime she makes a sound. This has led to less sleep at night for many of us. Rachel still sleeps in her crib in our room. The crib is right next to my side of the bed. At night she will wake up, stand up by me and scream at me. I will do whatever I can to soothe her short of actually picking her up and putting her in bed with me. This includes holding her hand, speaking soothingly to her or rubbing her head (she likes that for some reason). I know the whole time she is standing there screaming at me she is wondering why on earth I'm not picking her up and what it is that I'm doing. She just doesn't understand that I'm trying to help her sleep through the night by herself. She doesn't know that I want her to learn and develop skills to take care of herself instead of always relying on me. I'm there to help her and support her, but I'm not going to put her back to sleep anymore.

This got me thinking about my own life. I wonder what things I'm standing there screaming about while my Heavenly Father is holding my hand and trying to speak soothing words to me that I don't hear because I'm screaming? What lessons do I have to learn that will be good for me in the end that I don't want to learn because it isn't as easy? How long until I gain those skills to let go of the hand and listen and learn? I hope that I can become a quick learner, because Rachel sure is taking her time learning to fall back asleep, or maybe it just seems that way because I'm missing out on my sleep.

No more sugar!

2010-01-29T13:13:00.000-08:00

I am going off sugar, well mostly. Even though I have lost inches, the numbers on the scale haven't moved. Add to that the fact that I really like sugar, so I binge and crash and then get really cranky. Sugar overload also has a tendency to make me feel depressed and worthless, so I should probably let go of it. I will still eat natural sugars, but this is harder than I thought.

Sugar is in a lot of things. Even something as simple as craisins are coated in sugar. As for breakfast cereals, well, my choices are limited. I have been having Cream of Wheat with honey and dried fruit and it's pretty good. Or, eggs and toast. I have been able to resist the jello and pudding that my kids are fond of making these days. Robert also has not made cookies in like a week, so that has helped.

I am really hoping to be able to stabilize my moods, though. I don't like being a cranky parent, and I don't like feeling bad. Maybe this combined with eating better foods will help with that.

Bragging a bit

2010-01-23T13:08:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I need to brag on myself a little bit. I started working out with a few friends a couple of months ago. We've been pretty consistent in our work outs. Monday thru Friday if there is school. I've missed a couple due to sick kids or needing to go to town or whatever, but I make it most of the time. I've noticed small changes here and there, but all those small changes are really starting to add up. I'm not sure that my weight is going down so much right now, but I am still losing inches around my middle and backside. Also, the other day I noticed that I have muscle definition in my legs! I was so excited about that. The best thing of all, though, I actually go through work-out withdrawals if I miss too many. I still don't necessarily like working out and I still don't like to sweat, but I love challenging my muscles and becoming fit. I think by the time summer comes around I'm going to need a whole new wardrobe because my clothes may all be to big :)

Reflecting

2010-01-04T18:18:00.000-08:00

I guess it's that time of year when we tend to reflect on what we've done and what we want to do. I posted some goals this past year and I'm happy to say that most of them got accomplished. Not only one room got painted, but 3 this past year. I got Michael's baby blanket done. My sister helped me with Rachel's. I haven't gotten her name on it, but she is able to use it and cuddle with it. I managed to get a garden in and I harvested an eggplant. It might not have been as good a garden as I wanted, but it was better than last year and I know that next year will be even better. I misjudged the amount of squares needed for the curtains in my kitchen, so I have one curtain done and need to make another one. But I did make some good progress on it. As my finishing my hooded sweater, well, I'm not sure I want to do that one anymore. Part of me wants to take it apart and find another use for the yarn. I guess that is why I haven't finished that one. As for my coffee table, well, I need some help with that one and I haven't found a time to get the help I need. It will be on this coming years list again, I think.

All in all, I feel pretty good about what I got done this past year. Along with those goals that I did finish, I also had a baby, did a bunch of miscelaneous sewing projects, read some books, planted some bulbs so I can have pretty flowers in the spring. We also planted a bunch of grass this summer, which means mowing the yard, and taking care of our fruit trees.

I heard a story about a woman who wrote up her New Year's Resolutions and within about 3 weeks had broken all of them, so then she tore those up and came up with some new ones. They included forgiving her children when they drive her up a wall and hoping that her children will do the same for her, not gaining 20 lbs during the year, and recoginizing the progress that she does make. I like that, especially the last one. So many times I get caught up in what I haven't done that I forget all of the good things that I have done. I had the opportunity to get some counseling this summer and one of the exercises that I was challenged to do was everytime I found myself telling myself that I was a nobody that I was to counter that with 4 reasons why that wasn't true. Maybe I do have dirty dishes in the sink, but it's because I cooked a healthy meal that nourished my family. Not everyone may like me, but I do have friends who love me and confide in me. If they feel safe around me then obviously I'm not a nobody.

We all have many things to be greatful for and many talents that make us who we are. All I can do is strive each day to be the best I can.

Searching for Peace

2009-12-10T18:58:00.000-08:00

I've been searching for Peace lately. It seems like especially at this time of year you may hear a Christmas Wish of Peace on Earth, but what about Peace in my heart? How do you find Peace amidst the hustle and bustle of life, and more importantly, how do you find Peace when Life happens? When someone gets sick, loses a job, or does something to hurt you what do you do? There are so many things going on it seems, that I have no control over, and yet I worry. I worry about those family and friends who have cancer. I worry about if we will get enough snowfall this winter to fulfill our water needs and also give Robert some work. I worry about my sister who moved away.

The logical part of my brain says to turn over all of my worries to God and go on having faith that things will work out. In fact, I tell myself that many times during the day, "it will all work out". I don't know when or how, but it always seems to work out somehow. It's hard, though. I have so much energy from worrying and I need a way to vent it. Writing helps some. What I really would like is a punching bag. I'd really love to just pound away and release all this frustration without fear of breaking something. Kickboxing videos have been helping and as a side benefit, I'm almost to my goal weight!

So, I guess I'll just keep plugging along doing the best I can. What else can I do? I'll just have to trust that yes, everything will work out, somehow.

Monday's Miracles

2009-11-30T19:01:00.000-08:00

1. Christmas Lights

2. Ornaments and the memories they can hold

3. Christmas Music

4. My camera, when I remember to use it

5. The freeway because it helps family see each other more often

Falling off the Wagon

2009-11-18T13:03:00.000-08:00

So, I haven't done well with my sticker chart. Oh, I did well for about a week and a half and then life happened. This is why I need to practice something longer than a week. I need more time to get it to "stick". One of the lessons that I've been learning, though, is to just start where I am. I can't change the mistakes that I've made, but I can choose to take this moment and learn from what has happened before and move on. Lets see how I do this week.

Sticker Chart

2009-11-05T18:05:00.000-08:00

I love earning points. There is a group I belong to where I earn points for reading e-mails, reading articles, posting on message boards, drinking water, and a number of other things. Do these points mean anything? Not really, I just like earning them. Then, I read a story the other day where a woman set a goal for herself and everyday that she accomplished her goal, she put a sticker on her calendar. At the end of the month it was fun to see how many stickers she got. I decided to do that for myself. There are a few changes that I would like to make in my life and I decided to practice one new habit a month. Every night when I accomplish my goal, or habit, I give myself a sticker. I can't wait to see how many stickers I get this month. It's a visual reminder of how I am making myself a better person and blessing the lives of those around me by being a better mom and wife.

Filling my Bucket

2009-10-18T20:08:00.001-07:00

I need a "me" day. I'd even take just a few "me" hours. I need some time to rest, revitalize, and fill my bucket. As a mom I am constantly dipping out of my bucket to fill up others; my children, my husband, our pets. All of these I want to help and support, but I can't do that if I have nothing left to give. In my perfect day I'd have all my reserves filled so I could spend it with my family, but in order to get there, I need some time for me. That is hard to admit sometimes because we don't want to be thought of as vain or selfish. It's hard to spoil ourselves sometimes when we think about everything else we could be doing with our time or our money. But if we don't do something to help ourselves and to find our own happiness, then we can't help our family.

Some things I do to fill my bucket are: hang out with my girlfriends. I get to do this next Saturday and I'm so excited! Also, sew. I love to do crafts and I could and have spent hours in my sewing room cutting and sewing fabric. Also crochet, knitting, and tatting. Reading a good book can be relaxing also. A good book lets me visit someone elses world for a while and can give me perspective on my own life. Once common thing about all of these, though, is that while I find them to be relaxing, they are also things that can improve the lives of my whole family. If I have an uplifting visit with friends I may learn something new that I can apply to my household. Much of my sewing and other craft projects are also for our house. And of course, reading is just good all around, as long as you read good books. So, I guess that it isn't too bad to spend some time doing things that fill me up when it also benefits the family.

The Perfect Day

2009-10-14T17:42:00.000-07:00

Okay, just imagine it, while you are sleeping, a miracle happens. Everything that was holding you back from having the perfect day is gone. You wake up, what is the first thing you notice that tells you this miracle has happened? What do you do? Do you sleep in or wake early? How would you spend this perfect day and who would you spend it with? What about in the evening? How does your perfect day go? Remember, there are no limits, a miracle has happened! If you needed money, you have it, if you needed to be older/younger/ fitter, it's done.

This was an exercise that I did recently when I realized I really didn't know what to do next. After looking at my perfect day I looked at things that I could do to come closer to that reality. One of those steps includes decorating my bedroom. I've put it off because no one ever sees my room but us and so I should get the rest of the house done first. What I've noticed, though, is that I need a nice, restful place to be and I should have a nice bedroom. Also, I don't know what I want my sanctuary to be like. Do I want something that reminds me of the forest or the beach? Both of those are relaxing to me. Or do I want a more feminine, romantic feel? So to help me decide I went to the paint store and got paint samples and pictures to look at and hang on the wall to see which ones I gravitate to.

I am also making plans on how I want our yard to look and finding ideas for my own personal garden that I will have someday. Robert and I have a lot of space and it will be nice to get all this space organized and landscaped. I want a few more trees, like a maple tree and a weeping willow tree, but I don't know where I want to put them. I think that would be a good project to do for a date night with Robert. I guess I do have plans for the future now.

Sore

2009-10-14T17:33:00.000-07:00

I really want to physically get in better shape. I want to be able to "kinda" keep up with my kids. I want to be able to hold my baby and not feel like she weighs a million pounds (she's really small), and I want to have energy to give to other people. So, I have been getting together in the mornings with some friends and we work out to exercise videos. It's fun getting together. This week we decided to start a program to get us all beach bodies and be "Slim in 6" weeks. I tell you what, I can barely walk today. The exercises aren't all that hard nor are they very aerobic, but we were sweating and working our muscles. Even though I'm sore, I'm glad. I know that I am working on becoming a better me and a healthier me. It wouldn't hurt for me to be able to fit back into some of my clothes that "shrunk" while I was pregnant either ;)

Go Me!

2009-10-10T11:52:00.001-07:00

Life has been busy around here. I am just trying to get things ready for whatever, but starting is hard to do sometimes. One of the lessons I am working on is that I don't have to have everything ready right now. I can work on one thing at a time and progress, not perfection, is my goal right now. That being said, I am losing weight! I have been walking a few days with a friend and now that it is getting colder a group of moms I know are all getting together to exercise in mornings. Our kids all play together while we work out. This is good for me in so many ways. First off, I will be in better shape physically. Exercise also helps you feel better emotionally, a very good thing since winter is coming. I will also get to get out of my house and socialize with other moms. That is also something I need.

A journey begins with a single step and I am ready to step on the way to becoming a better me.

Monday's Miracles

2009-09-28T11:20:00.000-07:00

1. Baby Einstein DVD's- I feel a little less guilty letting them watch t.v. in the afternoon

2. Rice Cereal- I just wish Rachel liked it a little better

3. Magazines- I've gotten lots of ideas out of them

4. Ladders

5. Music

Monday's Miracles

2009-09-14T12:32:00.000-07:00

1. Corn on the Cob- YUMMY!

2. Essential Oils

3. Kitty Cats

4. Chairs

5. Family Fun Magazine

Dreaming

2009-09-13T16:07:00.000-07:00

When you were a kid I bet you knew how to dream. I know I did. I would dream about going places and doing, what life would be like when I grew up. If I were to ask my kids what they want to do when they grow up I'd probably get the answers of being a pharmacist, a dancer, and a fireman. No doubt about it, kids know how to dream. Then we grow up. Some people can keep dreaming, but some of us lose that. When I grew up I wanted to be a wife and mom, well, now I am. Now what?

I won't stop being a wife and mom, but what else do I want out of life? I can't dream for my kids. I may have things that I wish for them, but they need to have their own dreams. What do I want for me? One of my dreams is to go to Europe and Australia. That just seems like such a fantasy, though, that even though I want to go, I never see myself going. This is where "reality" enters into my dreams.

We live in a country where you can do anything you want to do, you just have to work for it. Well, what is it I'm working for? Yes, I'm working towards having a happy family but as fulfilling as that is, I need something more for me. Once I dreamed of writing a book. I wouldn't know what to write about, though or what to do with it once I did. Once I dreamed of illustrating a children's book, but then I realized that as much as I like to color, I don't like to draw.

Now I don't know what I dream of. What do you dream of?

Eggplant!

2009-08-29T09:54:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I harvested an eggplant today. I'm not actually sure how it tastes yet, it broke off the vine while still little, so I hope it's still good. Besides, baby eggplant is supposed to be a delicacy, right? I do have some other fruit growing so I should be able to get more than one.

The rest of the garden is looking okay. My tomatoes are way behind this year. I did get tons of peas in the spring, though. I have peppers on all my plants and I'm just waiting for them to ripen. I also managed to get some beans and beets. Our corn is a little slow this year also and we had a wilt hit our potatoes. We still got potatoes, but they aren't as big as they could be. I should also be getting some yellow crookneck squash this week.

All in all, I accomplished another goal of mine :)

Monday's Miracles

2009-08-24T20:33:00.000-07:00

1. Leftovers- It's nice to have enough to eat and then some.

2. Cups

3. Wooden Pallets- They have lots of uses

4. Trees- Again, they have lots of uses

5. Good Friends :)

My Struggle

2009-08-21T14:24:00.000-07:00

So, after reading an article on Post-Partum Depression and recognizing many of the signs they talked about I made an appointment with my midwife, and surprise, I have PPD! One of the reasons that I think I didn't recognize it at first is because it didn't happen right after I had Rachel. I was actually pretty good after I had Rachel. Of course I had the occasional bad day, but don't most people? Then it got to be two bad days and then three. Pretty soon I was counting the good days instead of the bad ones. So, I am now on some medicine. It will take a little while it is really showing that it's helping. However, just putting a name to why I'm tired, why a dirty table gives me such anxiety and why I just don't want to do anything has been very liberating. I'm not going crazy.

I Should Be a Writer

2009-08-11T07:15:00.000-07:00

Really, I should. All day long I have these words running through my head. I will compose a full article on a topic in my head. Why then is it so long between blogs? Well, I find it very difficult to type while holding one or more children. I'm lucky right now because no one is on my lap. I wish I wrote more. I need to find a way to get all of these words out of my head and written down somewhere, if for no other reason than they are cluttering up my brain and making it hard for me to think of anything else. Well, the baby is waking and once again I will have a child in arms. Have a good day everyone.

Monday's Miracles

2009-07-20T12:03:00.000-07:00

1- Soccer balls. I love how a large round ball can be kicked around for hours and really wear those kids out.

2- Water. Since I live in a desert I really appreciate the wet stuff.

3. Lawn. Robert planted another patch for us and I can't wait until it is all green and I can mow it!

4. Blocks. Who doesn't have fun building them up?

5. My Sister, she took my older kids over-night and they got to go to the drive-in. I am so glad that my kids will have such fun memories.

Food For Thought

2009-07-11T07:47:00.000-07:00

You know what, being a mom is a lot of work. There is the laundry to do, activities to take the kids to and trying to make sure they eat something healthy. I want to focus on the eating part. You see, I live out in the country. I am 4 miles from our little town grocery store and about an hour from a large grocery store. I can't really just run in for something if I've forgotten it. When I lived in town we got really used to those $5 pizzas. In fact, we went and house sat for my parents a few years ago and the first night there I asked Taylor what she wanted for dinner and she told me pizza. Well, it was kinda late and I told her it would take a little while to make pizza and she wanted to know why we couldn't just go buy one. It's not that easy in the country.

Plus, you see, I have this adorable little bundle of joy that loves being held. If it's been too long since I've held her, she lets me know. Lately she hasn't been sleeping as well. I'm not sure if she is going through a growth spurt and her sleep schedule is re-adjusting or maybe she is getting those teeth to come through that she has been drooling over for the last two months. Either way, she isn't sleeping as much and wants to be held more. When she was tinier I was using my slow cooker more. I could throw stuff in during her first nap and by dinner it was ready, that was great. Now, I've run out of ideas, plus for me it's too hot for soups and chili like I was making.

I know a menu would probably help me out some, but I don't use one. I've seen programs where someone gives you a menu for the week and the corresponding shopping list. You go to the store once and you've got the stuff for all these healthy meals. The problem is, most of those lists usually include some kind of fish, and I don't like fish. Then I would have to go through the list and edit it for the stuff I wouldn't be using for that meal and come up with an alternative. Is it worth the hassle and the cost?

Then there are all those pre-packaged meals that are oh so fast, but full of salt and who knows what else. Some of them taste pretty good, but some are not. The thing is, they are fast and easy. Once in a while they are okay, but not everyday. I've also tried making a double batch of something and freezing it, and that works sometimes, when I plan ahead enough to do it.

What do you do? How do you make meal time easier on yourself and good for your family?

Progress not Perfection....Right?

2009-07-09T06:17:00.000-07:00

So last night Robert was lamenting about some trees that we lost. He had planted a bunch this spring and it looks like mice or some other small animal has chewed them all up. One of the things that I worried about was over-extending ourselves outside. We did that last year and we lost a lot of the things we planted. This year has been better, though. I have my garden in. I was able to harvest peas this year. Our potatoes look great, especially considering we have never grown them before. We do have some lawn in the front. My locust tree is looking good. We have also built a chicken coop, are raising chickens and turkeys, put a fence around the garden, and I have flowers in the planter on our island outside. We have made improvement this year. I think one of our biggest problems is all the weeds we have around here. They are so tall and it would take a very long time to mow them all down by hand. Robert had hooked up a mower thing to the tractor, but the belt broke part-way through so he didn't get everything done that he wanted to. It seems to be especially hard on Robert. He thought he would have more time in the evenings to get some of these things done, but it's just not happening. I wish I knew how to help him more, but there is only so much I can get done outside. Rachel is fine outside as long as it's not windy and if you know anything about where I live, we have a lot of wind, so that puts a damper on things.

I guess I will just have to do the best I can and remember that we are farther along this year than we were last year, especially since we don't have to build a deck this year.

Monday's Miracles

2009-07-06T06:29:00.000-07:00

1. Hoses- I love that I don't have to haul water all over the place

2. Lawn Mowers- I finally learned how to use one

3. The Grill- It won't heat up my house any more than it already is

4. Fireworks

5. Sleeping Bags

Exhausted

2009-07-01T20:25:00.000-07:00

I have been so tired lately. I'm not sure what's up. It doesn't seem to matter if I go to bed at 10:30 or 8:30, I just don't feel like I'm getting enough rest. I wonder if the 4 kids under 6 have anything to do with that? Or maybe it's the mental exhaustion of thinking about all the things we have going on and wondering how everything is going to get done? Maybe both.

You see, on top of trying to keep my house somewhat together (I struggle with housekeeping), I now have a garden outside. I love being in the garden. I love watering it, I love planting it, and I even like weeding it. Rachel, however, doesn't always like me being in the garden, so I have to steal snatches of time when I can. We also have the chickens and turkeys, but thankfully Robert mostly takes care of those. Then, there is the dogs and cats. Our kitties are growing so fast that we will be putting them outside soon. I can't wait because the momma cat is driving me nuts. I hope that they catch lots of mice.

Then, there is all the rest of the stuff outside to do. Mow weeds, water trees, hope that rabbits and mice don't kill the trees. We have the grass that we planted this year that we are trying to get established. I am so excited for more lawn. We have the grass that we planted last year that we need to maintain. I finally learned how to run a lawn mower. And someday, we will have lawn in our back yard, also.

Last year we spread ourselves too thin trying to get the "instant yard" without all the needed time and help to get it up and running. We've taken things a little slower this year, and I know it's a process, but you know what, it's exhausting thinking about it all.

Good Enough

2009-06-22T06:24:00.000-07:00

Have you ever just had one of those days where you feel like you aren't good at anything? You're not a good mom because you _____, your not a good wife because _____, you can't keep the house clean, you don't cook good for you meals lately, your garden is getting beyond you, the laundry is piling up, you forgot to call a friend, you knew you should have done something for someone, but you chickened out, and in general, you just feel bad. What do you do when you start to feel this way? When this dialog of your "failures" starts running through your head? For me, I had to take a step back and look at the things that I have done successfully. I do know how to cook nutritional dinners and when I find/make the time I cook them. I love my children, they have clothes to wear, food to eat, and for the most part seem happy. I do play with them and read them stories and they love me. I love my husband and I remember that he works hard for us all week, and he can't read my mind so if I need his help, I need to let him know. My garden is better than it was last year and it is a learning experience. It will be better next year than this year, so just try to do the best I can. I know that I'm not a failure, there are some things I can do well. I think one of the hardest things in life is to not get discouraged. How do you do it? How do you keep your thoughts positive and move on when you feel down?