Motivation

I have lost my motivation.  Is that something you lose, or something you make?  Either way, I have very little right now.  For a few weeks I was getting up early, letting the dogs out, coming in, reading scriptures, some light exercising, and then doing my computer stuff, all before the kids woke up.  Now, I'm lucky to be up before the kids.  My alarm goes off, and I go back to sleep, or to at least laying in bed longer.  The worst part is when I can't go back to sleep, I know I won't go back to sleep, and yet I still don't get up.  This bout of laziness is just horrible!

I know the best thing to do would be to just push through it.  When my alarm goes off, get up and get moving.  Make myself DO something productive, anything productive.  Where is my willpower?  It's a vicious cycle.  The more I don't do anything, the less motivation I have to start, but once I do start, I know it will be easier to do it again.  With the days getting shorter, though, I'm missing the sun as my cue to awaken.  I'm sure there has to be some kind of scientific study that states it's harder for people to wake up early when the sun is coming up later and later.  Maybe I can find that study and see if they have any advice for me.

Just tell me and I'll do it

As a Mom, don't you just love it when you step into the bathroom and all of a sudden all of your kids have questions that need answered RIGHT NOW!  I know I can't be the only one this has happened to.  This happened, again, to me the other day.  My son was trying to ask me a question.  Well, normally I am pretty good at understand 4 year old speak, and my 4 year old does speak fairly clearly, but through a door when I have something else on my mind, I wasn't hearing him very well.  I was trying to tell him to just wait a few minutes, I would be out soon and then I could answer his question.  Then, I heard very clearly through the door "Mom, just tell me and I'll do it!"  I did finally understand what he was asking me, and I gave him an answer, but his response really stuck with me.  It impressed itself so firmly in my mind that I had to take a dry-erase marker that was near by and write it on my mirror so I wouldn't forget.  (Hey, having dry-erase markers in the bathroom really is not that strange, is it?)  It's now been there for over a week and I keep looking at it. 

The thing is, I know I could have told my son just about anything and he would have done it.  He was asking me where to put the shells when he peeled his hard-boiled egg.  I could have told him to peel it outside and he would have done it.  I could have told him to put the shells into a bowl, peel it over the trash, or put them all into a plastic bag to scatter in the rocks of the driveway and he would have done it.  It wouldn't have mattered how silly they may have sounded to him, he would have done what I told him.  How often are we as willing to listen?

How often do we pray or ask for advice, but we are only willing to do what we are told if it fits in with what we want to do?  We pray for guidance and assistance, but then when we get our answers we decide maybe we didn't really need help, that couldn't be what we need to do.  My son may not have understood the reason for pealing his egg outside (so the shells didn't make a mess inside), but he would have trusted me and done it.  Do we have enough trust to just go forward and do it?  I'm not sure I do, but when Jesus told us to be as little children, I think may have been part of what he meant.  I know that thanks to my son's innocent remark I will be thinking more about my willingness to do and maybe quit trying to guess the reasons why and just trust.

Anxiety Attacks

I don't know how many people deal with anxiety issues, but I know I am among them.  I would imagine it's a lot higher than most people realize.  There are probably many people who are like me that know there is something going on with them, but don't have a name for what it is.   At one point in time I was worried that I had depression, which is common in my family, and I went in to see a doctor.  They actually diagnosed me with anxiety.  So, now I have a name to define what I'm feeling. 

I've dealt with anxiety for a long time.  I remember in college that there was a co-worker who made my life at work kinda miserable.  I would shake and cry before going into work if I knew she was working with me.  At another time in life I had a friend who was emotionally draining and I would have anxiety attacks after an evening of spending time with this friend.  I'm not on any medication for my anxiety (the one time they put me on some I had side affects that I really didn't like so I quit taking it).  I've learned a few coping strategies that work for me, though, and usually my anxiety is fairly mild.  If it ever got worse I would seek medical help, but for now I'm mostly okay.

I have learned something about my anxiety attacks.  Most of them occur around moments of confrontation, either real or imagined.  Some happen after the fact, like the time I got yelled at for not letting someone pick something up because they couldn't give me their receipt saying they bought it.  Some happen when I imagine a confrontation, like my former job.  There have been a few exceptions, like a change I wasn't expecting.  But overall, most of my anxiety attacks are a result of confrontation.  While I'm in the midst of it I'm usually okay, it's always either before or after the fact that I start shaking, my heart starts racing and I feel like I'm going to be sick or cry, or both.

So, unless I closet myself away (which isn't healthy for me or my family) there is no way that I can avoid confrontation.  The question I have, then, is how do I handle those confrontations without having an anxiety attack?  Case in point.  I have a cousin who was baptized.  I told my aunt a few weeks before that we would probably be coming.  I realized just a few days before that I hadn't told her for sure, and I didn't know if she would have room for us.  I didn't want to assume that I could just show up at her house and have her put me and my kids up for the night, when I knew that there were already going to be quite a few people staying at her house.  The idea of calling up my aunt to ask if we could stay at her house made me sick to my stomach and almost made me want to quit the idea of going altogether.  That does not seem rational to me, especially because when I did call her she was planning on me coming and was making arrangements for my family.  This was just a small thing, all I had to do was make a quick phone call, but it made me sick to my stomach, and this was a family member, who I know loves me.  It can be even worse if I have to call a stranger.

I know stress is also another trigger.  I don't have nearly as many attacks when my stress level is low as I do when it is high.  Yet, I don't know how to get rid of the stress either.  I just want a Utopian world where life runs smoothly, people are nice to each other and doing your best is all that anyone asks of you.  I know that this isn't going to happen anytime soon and that we can't grow stronger without meeting some kind of resistance.  I just wish I had a text book with answers for my own personalized life that said, when A happens understand that B is the reason, and do C.  Since I don't ever see that book being published I will just have to hone my coping skills and hope I make the right choices.

What I have realized I need to do when these times come is to take a step back, first.  I look at what is going on.  Have I blown things out of proportion?  Is there another solution to my dilemma?  Depending on the situation and how physically sick I am, I often will call someone I know who has a calmer head than me.  In college it was my mom and she could talk me through it.  Now it is usually my husband, but if he isn't available, my mom is usually there, and if no one else can help me my Heavenly Father is always there.  Often though, he sends me help in the form of my husband and mom.  After taking that step back I can usually figure out if I have real reasons for not wanting to do something, or if they are imagined.  Then, if it is all in my mind, I take that scary first step.  Once I start then my survival instincts kick in and I'm good.  I have noticed that very few times once I am in the middle of something do I have problems.  Or, if it is after the fact, I try to let it go and just move on with my life, what's done is done.

I can also do some things to make it so that my mind isn't so easily beset by these plaguing thoughts.  For me I am much calmer if I get enough sleep.  This means, in my case, not staying up really late, and getting up early.  I need quiet meditation time and about the best time for me is in the morning before my children wake up.  I take this time to watch the sunrise and relax in the glory of this wonderful world.  I read my scriptures and find strength and peace in them.  I pray.  Another thing that really helps me is to have a clean house.  When my surroundings are neat and peaceful, it's like an extension of my mind, calm and peaceful.  This isn't always easy to do with 4 kids, but I can usually find at least 1 room of my house that I can retire to when I am feeling a little frazzled and I can regroup. 

This is what I have found to work for me.  How about you?  Do you suffer from anxiety?  How do you deal with it?

Monday's Miracles

1.  Crock-Pots.  I have to say this week I am grateful for these.  We have 2 different kinds of slow cookers and it is so nice to be able to come home to the house smelling yummy and food waiting to be eaten.
2.  Planned Leftovers.  I love the idea of cooking something once, but making it stretch into two meals.  In my case, it was the chicken from the crock-pot.
3.  Sprinklers.  Summer times makes sprinklers all the more fun when it's hot.  They are also great for watering grass seed, for what will hopefully be more lawn.
4.  Colored Pencils.  I love these so much that even when I get the kids some for school, I have some of my own.  Plus, what else can I use to keep my kids so busy for so long?
5.  Cups.  They aren't just for holding beverages.  I have learned that you can use them to catch honey bees and then release them outside.  You can also capture small cars under them I'm learning.

Monday's Miracles

1.  Ginger.  It's wonderful for queasy stomachs, did you know that?
2.  Postcards.  They don't cost much to buy or send, but they bring a world of delight to the receiver
3.  Good movies.  When you need a child to take it easy and relax sometimes a good, clean, wholesome movie makes it just a little easier
4.  Baby Gates, they aren't just for babies
5.  Fans.  They have been so wonderful this summer

Monday’s Miracles

I haven’t done these for a while, but I thought I should do them again.

1.  Grass.  I know I complain about mowing it and watering it, but I sure do enjoy having it.  It wasn’t that long ago that I didn’t have grass around my house and I still remember how hot, muddy, and drab my house looked.  I love being able to walk through the soft grass and the nice look of the mowed yard.

2.  Swimming Pools.  With the weather being so hot, it sure is nice to go swimming.

3.  Popsicles.  Cold, sweet yummyness

4.  Buttons.  Have you really thought about everything a button can do and be?  It holds our clothes together, it looks cute in the middle of a flower bow, you can make jewelry out of them…

5.  Bountiful Baskets.  I’ve tried so many new fruits and vegetable through participating, and I love how much I get in my basket.  It definitely supports my endeavors to eat healthier.

Idaho Distance Education Academy

I’ve already told some people, but our family is going to embark on a new adventure next year.  I have enrolled my oldest two in the Idaho Distance Education Academy charter school.  What does that mean you are asking? Well I will tell you.  It means that I will be the one teaching them next year with some assistance from a certified teacher.  I will mostly be communicating with the teacher by phone and e-mail, so really, I will be teaching the kids.  We will be home schooling them.

There have been varied responses, varied questions, and varied concerns when I’ve told people about our decision.  This is not a spur of the moment decision.  It is something I have been thinking, pondering, and praying about for a long time.  It is also something that I wouldn’t do without Robert’s support and so he has also been praying about it. 

So to answer some questions. #1 why am I doing this?  Well, there are a lot of reasons.  I think that my girls are too young to be away from me for so much time.  They are at a stage in life where I feel like I should be the main teacher they have and that is difficult to do when they are at school for around 7 waking hours and I have them for 4.  Also, there are lessons that I want them to learn that I’m not sure are being taught in schools.  There are better books that they could be reading than what are being read to them in schools, and I want to expose them to the best and not settle just because they are reading.

#2 DoI think I can really do this?  What about my “me” time?  Yes it’s true, I will be with the kids an awful lot without a break.  You see, here’s the thing, I love my kids and I love being with my kids.  I will grant that there are times that I lose my patience, but that is usually when I am doing things that aren’t really worthwhile and I’m feeling guilty.  I am so much more organized when the older kids are home, my house is actually cleaner when they are here and our lives have a tendency to run smoother and more structured.  Right now I’m looking at our lives and seeing where I can fit some math in, or some spelling or science.  It isn’t going to change that much for us so yes, I do think I can do this.

#3 What about their social time?  Well, here’s the thing, I’m pretty social myself.  That means that we are going to be going out and being around people, and we are going to be inviting people to come to our house.  I will be teaching them to be polite, to share, how to be a good hostess and how to be a good guest.  Those are skills better learned from me than from other kids their own age, don’t you think?  With the exception of those few years they spend in school, people are not usually kept in social groups of peers their own age.  Many of the friends I have now are closer to my sister’s age than my own, or they are older than me.  Learning to relate to people of all ages is a better skill than just people your own age and experience.

#4  Won’t they fall behind?  No, I don’t think they will.  You see, children have a natural desire to learn.  If we provide them opportunities and inspire them, then they will learn.  I am wanting to learn, too.  It is something we can do together.  If they seem Mom wanting to learn, they will too.  If we are reading, talking and discussing things together it only builds upon that desire.  That is what we are going to do.  Yes, it takes dedication on the part of the parent, but when you make life about learning, not just learning to pass the test, well, that is when it really sticks.

I am really excited about this journey we are taking.  I am a little nervous, too, but mostly excited.  I will have help and support from a certified teacher when I need it.  My children will still take the state mandated tests to see where they are at.  I have friends to help guide me and help me along the way.  Above all, I have a conviction that this is what I am supposed to be doing right now at this time in our lives.