Judging

I don't know how many other women out there are like me, but I am often times pretty insecure.  I feel like I am in semi-constant fear of being judged.  All I want is to have a nice group of friends and for all of us to love each other and get along, is that so bad?  Of course, I want everyone to like me and the world to be perfect, is that too much to ask?  I know, I know, that's not the way it is, but a girl can dream.  When I was in high school I was so afraid of being thought of as "too smart" that I used to purposely misspell words on our spelling pre-tests.  I always got all of them right on the real test, but I didn't always want to be the smart one and be made fun of.  However, I also knew tricks to make it look like I knew more than I did, if it was something my friends all knew and I didn't, until I figured it out.  I didn't want to be too smart, but I didn't want to be stupid, either.

Now, I'm a big girl and I don't have to worry about spelling tests anymore.  I've gotten over some of the silly things I thought in school.  I don't mind telling people that I'm not sure of the answer, but I will find out.  I still worry about people liking me, though.  I'm not perfect.  Often I speak before I think, or I over-think while I'm speaking and my meanings get jumbled.  I say things that I shouldn't or the things I say don't end up sounding the way I mean them to.  I know that I've hurt people's feelings without meaning to.  When I find out that I've done that I apologize as soon as I can and try to fix it.  What about the times that I don't find out about?  I'm paranoid that there are all of these people out there with low opinions of me and are telling everyone else what a horrible person I am.  In my heart I know I'm doing the best I can and I'm trying to learn from my mistakes.  In my head I try to say it doesn't matter as long as I am doing what I believe is right.  My opinion of myself, and my God's opinion of me should matter a lot more than the person down the street or in the grocery store.  In my head I know all this, but my heart still wants everyone to like me.

Something I believe that helps with this is a best friend.  I mean a truly best friend who you can tell anything to.  Someone who has seen you at your best and your worst and loves you still.  Someone who isn't family, since for me, I feel like they have to love you because you are family.  Someone that you can talk to and be around and not feel so weird.  Why is it so hard to find someone like that? 

In this world of facebook and all kinds of online groups, how many friends do we really see and talk to on a regular basis?  If we needed a hug or a shoulder to cry on, who would we call?  Once upon a time we had to talk to our neighbors.  Women had quilting bees and churches had potluck suppers. Barn raisings and dances were community affairs and people mingled.  Now, we mingle in chat groups. I've been trying to make a better effort to actually see people face to face. 

When I lost my baby I was truly blessed to have so many people watching over me.  I had friends bring over meals, call me, or text me just to make sure I was okay.  I felt so much love from these people.  I feel like a big part of that was because each person was someone I had a personal, face to face, relationship with.  Whether we were part of an exercise group, or Bountiful Baskets, or a friend from church, I knew each person individually.  That is the kind of community I want my kids to have.  Those are the kinds of friends I want them to make, and it's the kind of friend I want to be. 

I also hope that I can remember to be forgiving when I think I've been wronged.  I hope that I won't judge a wrong judgement.  I want to be loving and kind so that I can lift others and we can all be better for it.  I want to work on making the world a better place, like I said in the beginning, I want us all to love each other and get along.