Judging

I don't know how many other women out there are like me, but I am often times pretty insecure.  I feel like I am in semi-constant fear of being judged.  All I want is to have a nice group of friends and for all of us to love each other and get along, is that so bad?  Of course, I want everyone to like me and the world to be perfect, is that too much to ask?  I know, I know, that's not the way it is, but a girl can dream.  When I was in high school I was so afraid of being thought of as "too smart" that I used to purposely misspell words on our spelling pre-tests.  I always got all of them right on the real test, but I didn't always want to be the smart one and be made fun of.  However, I also knew tricks to make it look like I knew more than I did, if it was something my friends all knew and I didn't, until I figured it out.  I didn't want to be too smart, but I didn't want to be stupid, either.

Now, I'm a big girl and I don't have to worry about spelling tests anymore.  I've gotten over some of the silly things I thought in school.  I don't mind telling people that I'm not sure of the answer, but I will find out.  I still worry about people liking me, though.  I'm not perfect.  Often I speak before I think, or I over-think while I'm speaking and my meanings get jumbled.  I say things that I shouldn't or the things I say don't end up sounding the way I mean them to.  I know that I've hurt people's feelings without meaning to.  When I find out that I've done that I apologize as soon as I can and try to fix it.  What about the times that I don't find out about?  I'm paranoid that there are all of these people out there with low opinions of me and are telling everyone else what a horrible person I am.  In my heart I know I'm doing the best I can and I'm trying to learn from my mistakes.  In my head I try to say it doesn't matter as long as I am doing what I believe is right.  My opinion of myself, and my God's opinion of me should matter a lot more than the person down the street or in the grocery store.  In my head I know all this, but my heart still wants everyone to like me.

Something I believe that helps with this is a best friend.  I mean a truly best friend who you can tell anything to.  Someone who has seen you at your best and your worst and loves you still.  Someone who isn't family, since for me, I feel like they have to love you because you are family.  Someone that you can talk to and be around and not feel so weird.  Why is it so hard to find someone like that? 

In this world of facebook and all kinds of online groups, how many friends do we really see and talk to on a regular basis?  If we needed a hug or a shoulder to cry on, who would we call?  Once upon a time we had to talk to our neighbors.  Women had quilting bees and churches had potluck suppers. Barn raisings and dances were community affairs and people mingled.  Now, we mingle in chat groups. I've been trying to make a better effort to actually see people face to face. 

When I lost my baby I was truly blessed to have so many people watching over me.  I had friends bring over meals, call me, or text me just to make sure I was okay.  I felt so much love from these people.  I feel like a big part of that was because each person was someone I had a personal, face to face, relationship with.  Whether we were part of an exercise group, or Bountiful Baskets, or a friend from church, I knew each person individually.  That is the kind of community I want my kids to have.  Those are the kinds of friends I want them to make, and it's the kind of friend I want to be. 

I also hope that I can remember to be forgiving when I think I've been wronged.  I hope that I won't judge a wrong judgement.  I want to be loving and kind so that I can lift others and we can all be better for it.  I want to work on making the world a better place, like I said in the beginning, I want us all to love each other and get along.

Mourn with those that mourn

I get to have an experience that will give me more empathy.  I get to experience the loss that comes with a miscarriage.  It's not a fun experience.  Miscarriage is a very real experience for many women, though.  I've known of others who've experienced it.  I have even seen women experience, but until now I could only guess at what they were feeling.  Even now, I can only partially relate to them since their beliefs and emotions are likely to be different than mine.  Still, it makes me wonder, is it better to suffer alone, or to share your suffering?

When I found out I was pregnant, I joined an online group of mommies all due the same month I was.  I quickly learned that for many of these women it was easier to tell a stranger online that you were pregnant than it was to tell anyone who might see you face to face.  Many women had experienced miscarriages before, some of them multiple miscarriages.  Most of these women were waiting until they saw the heartbeat before telling anyone, and a good number were waiting until they were out of their first trimester.  We didn't do that. 

After I took that home test and showed it to my husband it wasn't long before we told others.  I've never had any problems in my previous pregnancies and after 4 you sometimes feel like you know what is going on.  We told our family.  We told our kids, who in turn told a lot of other people.  We told some friends.  Then, when I started spotting and a blood test confirmed that my pregnancy was ending it meant a lot of people we would probably need to tell at some point.

There were two ways to go about that.  Do it all at once and get it over with, or wait until someone brought it up and deal with it slowly.  We chose to tell as many people as we could, quickly.  We let family know first.  Then, I sent out a mass text to many of my friends.  I was not able to make phone calls.  I didn't trust my voice.  The amount of love and support I've had have been wonderful.  Friends have brought over meals and sent messages checking up on my.  My in-laws took my kids so that I could relax and take a hot bath and rest.  I've had offers from other to let my kids come to their houses if I need rest and many requesting that I let them know if I need anything.  I may be mourning, but I am not alone. 

Everyone deals with grief differently.  For me, I had a sort of premonition, or feeling, that this might happen.  I didn't want it to, and I was very sad when I got the news, but I can't say that I was really surprised.  I know that isn't the case for many women.  I have complete faith in God that He knows what is best for me and my family.  In this instance, it meant not having this baby right now.  I don't know the reason, and I may never know, but I believe that God knows and I trust Him.  I've held onto that trust through many trials, and it's not let me down yet.  I figure if I'm doing the best I know how that God will make up the rest. I'm still sad.  I experienced a loss and while my faith makes it easier, I'm still sad.  I've shed many tears and I will most likely shed many more as I tell people who hadn't heard or as people who hear come and give me hugs.  Still, I'm able to go on.  I'm able to get back into our routine.  It's good for me and it's good for the kids to have that stability.  I am grateful for all of the hugs, prayers, meals, and support that I've received.  In a way, it makes the mourning easier, too.  I know that others are mourning for my loss with me.  I know that I'm not alone.  If I had it to do over, I don't think I would do any differently, but that is just me.

Writing

Once upon a time I was a writer, maybe not a good one, but a writer, nonetheless.  I wrote poems.  I wrote letters.  I wrote book reports. I wrote in a journal.  I wrote stories.  I loved writing.  Then, life changed.  The friends I was writing letters to came home.  I was no longer in school so reports weren't required anymore.  I didn't make time for poems and stories to be created.  My writing consisted of a few e-mails here and there and that was about it.  I was a faithful journal writer.  I have a number of journals that I filled with teenage angst.  That has slipped too.

Some years ago I discovered blogging.  I started one about my family.  I wanted a way for my extended family and those members who didn't live close, to see what we were up to.  Shortly after, I started a second blog where I could write more about my thoughts and feelings, my personal blog (this blog).


How did I let this happen?  Like I said, much of it was let go when I was no longer in school.  Even writign I did for fun, I quit.  When I got married and began having children they took much of my time and energy.

Lately I've been realizing how much I have missed writing.  I have whole discussions in my head.  Whole papers are narrated in my mind.  I never get the words written down, though.  That needs to change.

My oldest girls are at an age where they are learning to write.  They are learning to narrate stories back to me, and to make up their own stories.  It is so fun to watch them!  I love reading about their imaginary adventures.  It is so interesting to read about how they see the world.  I've been reminded of the joy of a story coming together on the paper in front of me.

I've also been reminded of the importance of writing down thoughts and stories for my kids and future grandkids to read years down the road.  History is simply one big story and I want my part of it to be recorded.  I will write again.  Now, what do I write about?

2012 is Our Year

The best words to describe the last two years is that they have been learning experiences.  I can't say that all of those experiences have been very enjoyable, but we sure have learned a lot from them.  This year some of that is going to change, I just know it.  We have a lot of learning experiences yet to go through, but I believe that more of them will bring smiles to our faces.  My sweet husband is embarking on a new career in a field that we have very minimal experience in.  Yet, the opportunities are amazing, if we just work hard and stick to it.  So, we will do just that.  I am fully prepared to support him in whatever he needs me to do.  I will be fine with him working long hours and coming home late, grateful that he is coming home instead of staying in a hotel like he did much of last year.  I learned that I can take care of a lot of things around the house that he normally took care of, so I can help him that way too, and I will be very grateful for the weekends when he can help me.  There is so much potential in our future and I am very excited to see where we are going.  We are putting together some plans and goals for our life. For the first time in a long time they actually seem attainable.  That feels amazing!  The next couple of months I believe will be quite trying for us, but I hope to soon be able feel like I can breathe again.  I look at all of the things that have happened in the past two years and how they have led us to where we are now.  I am grateful for some of those challenges which I can now view as blessings.  I am grateful for all of the things they taught me, all of the lessons I learned, but I'm also ready to enjoy the good things that come from learning those lessons.

That brings me to what I want to have happen this year.  I've wavered back and forth on the idea of New Years Resolutions.  On the one hand, if you need to change, do it now.  On the other, a goal without a time line is just a dream.  It seems like the New Year is just as good a place to mark time as any.  So, this year I have a lot of things I want to do.  I want to paint some more of my house, specifically my hallway and my bedroom.  I want to make a new quilt for my bed.  I want to grow either kale or swiss chard in my garden this year, along with other favorites that I already know how to grow.  I have a goal to attend the temple more often this year.  I don't have a specific number of times right now, but I will take that up with the Lord.  I want to get some shelves installed in my sewing room.  I still want to eliminate more of the "stuff" from our house.  I also want to plant some more flower beds outside so that we can have pretty colors next summer.  Along with those, I have lots and lots of things I want to do, but I'm not sure when I want to have them done by or what priority they really are for me.  And of course, there are the things that my husband and I have decided together, like planting more grass, raising chickens for meat, and maybe even going in with my brother on a cow for meat.  He has a lot more plans for the outside that I mostly just give him my input on, but he will be doing most of the work, so I let him figure more of it out.

The best thing is, I have such a feeling of hope for this year.  Last year I clung to faith, believing that things would get better because we were doing the best we could.  This year I feel like we've passed some kind of test and while there are more tests to come, we will be getting a reward for the ones we've already passed.  I don't know if that makes sense, but honestly, I will take these feelings of happiness and go with it.  Words cannot describe the feelings of peace and love that the Spirit of the Lord can bring to you, even when life doesn't make sense and you wonder where all the good things have gone.  Thirteen months ago I gained a greater understanding of the word "despair" and now I hope to understand better what the word "hope" means also.

Who do I resemble?

I read a blog the other day where the author asked what fictional character you felt like you resembled, or that you could associate yourself with.  Well, I have a list of character that I wish I was more like, but I could not think of one, or even 2 that I felt I could compare myself to, until I read another person's response.  They referenced a short children's story, that reminded me of a book I really like.

I'll Do Better Tomorrow, I Promise by Maurine Reynolds Adamek.  The book goes through the day of a little boy and all of the ways he tried to help, but ended up trying is mother's patience.  At the end, the little boy is feeling kinda bad, but then the mother prays for forgiveness and promises to do better tomorrow.  I feel like that so many days.  I look back on the times I lost my patience, on the times when I wasn't as understanding as I could have been and think about how I could have done things differently.  This unnamed mother is probably the fictional character that I think I am most like.

The Blahs......

I have the winter blahs.  Not to be confused with the winter blues.  No, I am just really cold all the time.  It seems that very little of what I do seems to work to get me warm.  I will take a warm bath, but as soon as I get out, I'm cold again.  I dress in layers every day.  Changing my socks works for a while, but then I get cold again.  I am really missing warmer weather.  (At the same time I'm hoping for snow because it is January in Idaho and that is what is supposed to happen).  Also, I am so tired.  I think it has something to do with shorter days.  During the summer I could get up early and be busy most of the day and still have energy in the evening.  Now, I'm falling asleep almost before we put the kids to bed, and I have to drag myself out of bed in the morning.  It doesn't help that I'm snuggled up to the hubby and he's warm.  I need to get up earlier, I get so much more accomplished in the mornings, but I just don't have the motivation to get out of bed, especially when I'm so cold.

2011 Review

I had one goal this past year, to simplify my life.  I think I did well in some areas, and not so good in others.  On another blog instead of defining new goals, she looked at the things she did get done this past year.  I like that idea, so, here's some of what I did:


I did clear out a bunch of "stuff" from my house.  I went through our books and purged the ones that I felt were less needed and filled the shelves with more substantial reading, including children's stories.  I also went through my clothes and some of the kids clothes.  We have gotten rid of more toys than we have accumulated this past year which is also good.

I gained a new appreciation for single moms and learned I can make it on my own when my husband has to travel for a week or two at a time.

We still had family scripture study and family prayer while husband was gone.

I learned how to split wood. 

I extended the life of many of my girls pairs of pants and shirts by turning them into skirts and dresses.  I also patched many of my son's pants and made the patches look cool.

I read a number of "classic" books that were on my to-read list.

I don't know what the New Year will bring, but I hope to keep on improving in all areas.  I think that is my all time goal and doesn't just go from January to December.  Of course, the specifics will change, as will the focus, at different times.  I just want to end 2012 a better person than when I started.