I Found Some Peace

Okay, since I decided to tell all of you about the struggle I've had with my youngest sister, I thought I should also tell you how I have finally found a measure of peace.  I've really struggled with my feelings towards my sister and my perceptions on what I think she is thinking.  I've prayed about this a lot, I've gone to the temple and taken it to the Lord, and I've talked with my sweet husband.  Finally, after thinking about some of the talks given during General Conference, I got an answer.  More of an impression, actually, but it was still an answer to my prayers. 

You see, I've never heard of anyone getting in trouble for caring too much.  I know there is a fine line between helping and enabling sometimes, but if we err on the side of helping, as far as our conscience lets us, then we should be okay.  Also, I don't really have a stewardship over my sister except to love her.  I'm not her parent or her ecclesiastical leader, I'm her sister.  I don't have to like what she has done.  I don't think these are the best circumstances for this baby to come into the world, but she's coming.  My sister and her baby are going to need a lot of help, and I need to be there to help her if I can. 

I feel peace with that answer.  It's not up to me to judge my sister's heart.  She already knows how I feel about what she's done.  I will do what I have to to protect my children, we've already had many talks about getting married before having babies.  After all of that is said and done, though, I need to love my sister.  It isn't going to be easy.  I now need to work on building our relationship again.  I've been avoiding her for the last 5 months.  I still have some negative feelings I need to let go of.  They are slowing, but surely, being released.  I hope that by the time this baby joins our family in a couple weeks that I will be ready to love her and her mother with my whole heart.

More in Common Than You Think.

I was thinking about my friends the other day and what an eclectic group of people I know.  As I was thinking this I especially thought about two of my friends that I knew in high school.  One I met in Idaho, another in California.  Each of us had very different backgrounds, and yet we have so many things in common.  So many times high school friends are only that, friends in high school.  That could have been true for these two, but after a number of years we reconnected.  It is so neat to see all of the things we have in common.  All of us are now married and have started families.  All of us became stay at home mommies.  All of us are now homeschooling.  Part of my decision was influenced by one of these friends.  It's true that we have many differences among us.  We have different religious beliefs, different political beliefs and differing ways to raise our children, but we have so many things in common.

Another friend of mine is actually quite a bit older than me.  She is probably closer to my mom's age than mine.  We share a love of food.  We have shared quite a few recipes and even produce from our gardens.  I have friends that I do crafts with, friends that I talk books with, friends that I talk parenting with.  I have friends that make me laugh, friends that I make laugh.  Friends that live far away and friends that aren't so far away.  I have friends who are incredibly outspoken and I have one friend who is amazing at loving everyone she meets.

So what does this have to do with anything?  Well, nothing, and everything.  Wouldn't this world be a very scary place if everyone were the same, or maybe it would be boring, depending on what person we were modeling after.  I am so glad that there are people out there who like to clean and who like to fish and who like to organize and those who like to craft and design clothes and garden and farm.  I am so glad I don't have to know how to do everything, but I can trade what I know and like with someone else who maybe has talents I don't have.  I want to teach my children to look for the good in people.  I want them to look at who a person is on the inside instead of what color their skin is, or what church they go to, or what clubs they belong to.  I want them to judge a person by what they say and do, not what they look like.  I want to teach my children to respect others because we are all children of God.  That doesn't mean that we have to accept or agree with everything someone does, but we can still treat them with respect and find a common ground.

Spirit of Courage

So, I mentioned earlier that I suffer from a touch of anxiety.  I also mentioned that I was in Relief Society at church in Texas when I felt like the lesson had a part that was just for me.  It was just a blurb at the end of the lesson, but it spoke to my heart.

I promise you that if you will respond to the invitation to share your beliefs and feelings about the restored gospel of Jesus Christ, a spirit of love and a spirit of courage will be your constant companion, for “perfect love casteth out fear” (1 John 4:18).

Elder L.Tom Perry gave a talk during the October conference in 2011 titled "Perfect Love Casteth Out Fear".  So, there you have it, the way to overcome my anxiety and get rid of my fears.  Okay, so life really isn't that easy, is it.  I've often wondered what it is that I want this blog to be.  I have a separate blog where I share funny stories and pictures of my kids.  I started this one as a place to share my thoughts that I didn't want to share on the family blog.  I know a lot of people who read both.  I enjoy reading craft blogs and cooking blogs.  I like reading about other moms who homeschool.  There are a number of blogs that I read that talk more specifically about their faith.  For some reason I don't feel like I've done that much on my blog despite my faith being a huge part of my life.

Maybe I'm afraid.  Not only am I afraid of what people I see might think of me, I'm afraid that my huge audience of readers (that's like 5 of you) might be offended by something I write, and then nobody will want to read my blog.  Isn't that silly?  I started this as a way to write down my thoughts, but not necessarily for anyone but me to read, and now I'm concerned what someone I don't even see will think.

I have a friend right now who has a lot of questions about God and about my beliefs.  I try to share and answer her questions as best I can, but I don't always get the words out so that she can understand.  I try, but my heart and my mouth don't always connect they way they should.  If only my heart could communicate with my brain, and then my brain could communicate with my mouth, but that takes longer sometimes.  I like to think things through, and if I haven't thought it through then I can't always answer so that my answer is understood.  I'm going to keep trying, though.  I really want that spirit of courage.

Spring Break

We had Spring Break last week and I had a wonderful time.  I was able to travel to Texas with two of my brothers, my husband, and my sister-in-law to go and see our other brother and his family.  I finally got warm! 

I'm not sure what it was about the week, but I was able to relax and recharge my batteries.  My kids stayed with my mom and instead I got to help my sister-in-law out with her kids.  Since they live in Texas and I'm in Idaho I don't get to see them much.  I had a blast getting to know them, playing with them and reading them books.  I also got to visit with my sister-in-law who I really don't know that well.  I found out that we have a lot of hobbies in common, and she introduced me to a new one while we were down there.  She is truly one of the sweetest people I know and I'm so glad to have her in the family.

When we went to church down there I was pretty tired (we had gotten in at 3 in the morning so I only had a few hours sleep before church), but I was amazed at how the lesson in Relief Society spoke right to me.  You see, it was the 4th Sunday, and on 4th Sunday's they use a Conference talk as the basis of the lesson.  Well, it was just what I needed to hear.  Somehow when that talk was decided upon the Lord knew that I would be in Texas that week and inspired someone to put it on the lesson plan.  Maybe I'm reading too much into it and they just thought it sounded good, but I do believe that when we are listening, we hear the messages we need.  I will have to write more on what I learned later, but it goes along with a previous post.

The thing that surprised me the most, though, was how my husband kept telling me how good I looked.  Now don't get me wrong, he is usually very complimentary to me.  This was different.  Something in his tone when he told me and the words he used.  He said I looked relaxed and happy.  He could tell I was having a good time, even though we didn't really do anything super fun or exciting.  I loved the compliments, and I was having a good time, but it kinda made me wonder what I must look like normally at home.  I mean, is haggard and stressed what I usually show him when he gets home from work?  I sure hope not.  I am going to make an effort to look nicer for him, because I sure don't want him to think that home life stresses me out too bad.  I love being a mom and being home with my kids.  I will admit it was nice to get away with my sweetheart for a short trip, though.

Judging

I don't know how many other women out there are like me, but I am often times pretty insecure.  I feel like I am in semi-constant fear of being judged.  All I want is to have a nice group of friends and for all of us to love each other and get along, is that so bad?  Of course, I want everyone to like me and the world to be perfect, is that too much to ask?  I know, I know, that's not the way it is, but a girl can dream.  When I was in high school I was so afraid of being thought of as "too smart" that I used to purposely misspell words on our spelling pre-tests.  I always got all of them right on the real test, but I didn't always want to be the smart one and be made fun of.  However, I also knew tricks to make it look like I knew more than I did, if it was something my friends all knew and I didn't, until I figured it out.  I didn't want to be too smart, but I didn't want to be stupid, either.

Now, I'm a big girl and I don't have to worry about spelling tests anymore.  I've gotten over some of the silly things I thought in school.  I don't mind telling people that I'm not sure of the answer, but I will find out.  I still worry about people liking me, though.  I'm not perfect.  Often I speak before I think, or I over-think while I'm speaking and my meanings get jumbled.  I say things that I shouldn't or the things I say don't end up sounding the way I mean them to.  I know that I've hurt people's feelings without meaning to.  When I find out that I've done that I apologize as soon as I can and try to fix it.  What about the times that I don't find out about?  I'm paranoid that there are all of these people out there with low opinions of me and are telling everyone else what a horrible person I am.  In my heart I know I'm doing the best I can and I'm trying to learn from my mistakes.  In my head I try to say it doesn't matter as long as I am doing what I believe is right.  My opinion of myself, and my God's opinion of me should matter a lot more than the person down the street or in the grocery store.  In my head I know all this, but my heart still wants everyone to like me.

Something I believe that helps with this is a best friend.  I mean a truly best friend who you can tell anything to.  Someone who has seen you at your best and your worst and loves you still.  Someone who isn't family, since for me, I feel like they have to love you because you are family.  Someone that you can talk to and be around and not feel so weird.  Why is it so hard to find someone like that? 

In this world of facebook and all kinds of online groups, how many friends do we really see and talk to on a regular basis?  If we needed a hug or a shoulder to cry on, who would we call?  Once upon a time we had to talk to our neighbors.  Women had quilting bees and churches had potluck suppers. Barn raisings and dances were community affairs and people mingled.  Now, we mingle in chat groups. I've been trying to make a better effort to actually see people face to face. 

When I lost my baby I was truly blessed to have so many people watching over me.  I had friends bring over meals, call me, or text me just to make sure I was okay.  I felt so much love from these people.  I feel like a big part of that was because each person was someone I had a personal, face to face, relationship with.  Whether we were part of an exercise group, or Bountiful Baskets, or a friend from church, I knew each person individually.  That is the kind of community I want my kids to have.  Those are the kinds of friends I want them to make, and it's the kind of friend I want to be. 

I also hope that I can remember to be forgiving when I think I've been wronged.  I hope that I won't judge a wrong judgement.  I want to be loving and kind so that I can lift others and we can all be better for it.  I want to work on making the world a better place, like I said in the beginning, I want us all to love each other and get along.

Mourn with those that mourn

I get to have an experience that will give me more empathy.  I get to experience the loss that comes with a miscarriage.  It's not a fun experience.  Miscarriage is a very real experience for many women, though.  I've known of others who've experienced it.  I have even seen women experience, but until now I could only guess at what they were feeling.  Even now, I can only partially relate to them since their beliefs and emotions are likely to be different than mine.  Still, it makes me wonder, is it better to suffer alone, or to share your suffering?

When I found out I was pregnant, I joined an online group of mommies all due the same month I was.  I quickly learned that for many of these women it was easier to tell a stranger online that you were pregnant than it was to tell anyone who might see you face to face.  Many women had experienced miscarriages before, some of them multiple miscarriages.  Most of these women were waiting until they saw the heartbeat before telling anyone, and a good number were waiting until they were out of their first trimester.  We didn't do that. 

After I took that home test and showed it to my husband it wasn't long before we told others.  I've never had any problems in my previous pregnancies and after 4 you sometimes feel like you know what is going on.  We told our family.  We told our kids, who in turn told a lot of other people.  We told some friends.  Then, when I started spotting and a blood test confirmed that my pregnancy was ending it meant a lot of people we would probably need to tell at some point.

There were two ways to go about that.  Do it all at once and get it over with, or wait until someone brought it up and deal with it slowly.  We chose to tell as many people as we could, quickly.  We let family know first.  Then, I sent out a mass text to many of my friends.  I was not able to make phone calls.  I didn't trust my voice.  The amount of love and support I've had have been wonderful.  Friends have brought over meals and sent messages checking up on my.  My in-laws took my kids so that I could relax and take a hot bath and rest.  I've had offers from other to let my kids come to their houses if I need rest and many requesting that I let them know if I need anything.  I may be mourning, but I am not alone. 

Everyone deals with grief differently.  For me, I had a sort of premonition, or feeling, that this might happen.  I didn't want it to, and I was very sad when I got the news, but I can't say that I was really surprised.  I know that isn't the case for many women.  I have complete faith in God that He knows what is best for me and my family.  In this instance, it meant not having this baby right now.  I don't know the reason, and I may never know, but I believe that God knows and I trust Him.  I've held onto that trust through many trials, and it's not let me down yet.  I figure if I'm doing the best I know how that God will make up the rest. I'm still sad.  I experienced a loss and while my faith makes it easier, I'm still sad.  I've shed many tears and I will most likely shed many more as I tell people who hadn't heard or as people who hear come and give me hugs.  Still, I'm able to go on.  I'm able to get back into our routine.  It's good for me and it's good for the kids to have that stability.  I am grateful for all of the hugs, prayers, meals, and support that I've received.  In a way, it makes the mourning easier, too.  I know that others are mourning for my loss with me.  I know that I'm not alone.  If I had it to do over, I don't think I would do any differently, but that is just me.

Writing

Once upon a time I was a writer, maybe not a good one, but a writer, nonetheless.  I wrote poems.  I wrote letters.  I wrote book reports. I wrote in a journal.  I wrote stories.  I loved writing.  Then, life changed.  The friends I was writing letters to came home.  I was no longer in school so reports weren't required anymore.  I didn't make time for poems and stories to be created.  My writing consisted of a few e-mails here and there and that was about it.  I was a faithful journal writer.  I have a number of journals that I filled with teenage angst.  That has slipped too.

Some years ago I discovered blogging.  I started one about my family.  I wanted a way for my extended family and those members who didn't live close, to see what we were up to.  Shortly after, I started a second blog where I could write more about my thoughts and feelings, my personal blog (this blog).


How did I let this happen?  Like I said, much of it was let go when I was no longer in school.  Even writign I did for fun, I quit.  When I got married and began having children they took much of my time and energy.

Lately I've been realizing how much I have missed writing.  I have whole discussions in my head.  Whole papers are narrated in my mind.  I never get the words written down, though.  That needs to change.

My oldest girls are at an age where they are learning to write.  They are learning to narrate stories back to me, and to make up their own stories.  It is so fun to watch them!  I love reading about their imaginary adventures.  It is so interesting to read about how they see the world.  I've been reminded of the joy of a story coming together on the paper in front of me.

I've also been reminded of the importance of writing down thoughts and stories for my kids and future grandkids to read years down the road.  History is simply one big story and I want my part of it to be recorded.  I will write again.  Now, what do I write about?