I don't know how many other women out there are like me, but I am often times pretty insecure. I feel like I am in semi-constant fear of being judged. All I want is to have a nice group of friends and for all of us to love each other and get along, is that so bad? Of course, I want everyone to like me and the world to be perfect, is that too much to ask? I know, I know, that's not the way it is, but a girl can dream. When I was in high school I was so afraid of being thought of as "too smart" that I used to purposely misspell words on our spelling pre-tests. I always got all of them right on the real test, but I didn't always want to be the smart one and be made fun of. However, I also knew tricks to make it look like I knew more than I did, if it was something my friends all knew and I didn't, until I figured it out. I didn't want to be too smart, but I didn't want to be stupid, either.
Now, I'm a big girl and I don't have to worry about spelling tests anymore. I've gotten over some of the silly things I thought in school. I don't mind telling people that I'm not sure of the answer, but I will find out. I still worry about people liking me, though. I'm not perfect. Often I speak before I think, or I over-think while I'm speaking and my meanings get jumbled. I say things that I shouldn't or the things I say don't end up sounding the way I mean them to. I know that I've hurt people's feelings without meaning to. When I find out that I've done that I apologize as soon as I can and try to fix it. What about the times that I don't find out about? I'm paranoid that there are all of these people out there with low opinions of me and are telling everyone else what a horrible person I am. In my heart I know I'm doing the best I can and I'm trying to learn from my mistakes. In my head I try to say it doesn't matter as long as I am doing what I believe is right. My opinion of myself, and my God's opinion of me should matter a lot more than the person down the street or in the grocery store. In my head I know all this, but my heart still wants everyone to like me.
Something I believe that helps with this is a best friend. I mean a truly best friend who you can tell anything to. Someone who has seen you at your best and your worst and loves you still. Someone who isn't family, since for me, I feel like they have to love you because you are family. Someone that you can talk to and be around and not feel so weird. Why is it so hard to find someone like that?
In this world of facebook and all kinds of online groups, how many friends do we really see and talk to on a regular basis? If we needed a hug or a shoulder to cry on, who would we call? Once upon a time we had to talk to our neighbors. Women had quilting bees and churches had potluck suppers. Barn raisings and dances were community affairs and people mingled. Now, we mingle in chat groups. I've been trying to make a better effort to actually see people face to face.
When I lost my baby I was truly blessed to have so many people watching over me. I had friends bring over meals, call me, or text me just to make sure I was okay. I felt so much love from these people. I feel like a big part of that was because each person was someone I had a personal, face to face, relationship with. Whether we were part of an exercise group, or Bountiful Baskets, or a friend from church, I knew each person individually. That is the kind of community I want my kids to have. Those are the kinds of friends I want them to make, and it's the kind of friend I want to be.
I also hope that I can remember to be forgiving when I think I've been wronged. I hope that I won't judge a wrong judgement. I want to be loving and kind so that I can lift others and we can all be better for it. I want to work on making the world a better place, like I said in the beginning, I want us all to love each other and get along.
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Mourn with those that mourn
I get to have an experience that will give me more empathy. I get to experience the loss that comes with a miscarriage. It's not a fun experience. Miscarriage is a very real experience for many women, though. I've known of others who've experienced it. I have even seen women experience, but until now I could only guess at what they were feeling. Even now, I can only partially relate to them since their beliefs and emotions are likely to be different than mine. Still, it makes me wonder, is it better to suffer alone, or to share your suffering?
When I found out I was pregnant, I joined an online group of mommies all due the same month I was. I quickly learned that for many of these women it was easier to tell a stranger online that you were pregnant than it was to tell anyone who might see you face to face. Many women had experienced miscarriages before, some of them multiple miscarriages. Most of these women were waiting until they saw the heartbeat before telling anyone, and a good number were waiting until they were out of their first trimester. We didn't do that.
After I took that home test and showed it to my husband it wasn't long before we told others. I've never had any problems in my previous pregnancies and after 4 you sometimes feel like you know what is going on. We told our family. We told our kids, who in turn told a lot of other people. We told some friends. Then, when I started spotting and a blood test confirmed that my pregnancy was ending it meant a lot of people we would probably need to tell at some point.
There were two ways to go about that. Do it all at once and get it over with, or wait until someone brought it up and deal with it slowly. We chose to tell as many people as we could, quickly. We let family know first. Then, I sent out a mass text to many of my friends. I was not able to make phone calls. I didn't trust my voice. The amount of love and support I've had have been wonderful. Friends have brought over meals and sent messages checking up on my. My in-laws took my kids so that I could relax and take a hot bath and rest. I've had offers from other to let my kids come to their houses if I need rest and many requesting that I let them know if I need anything. I may be mourning, but I am not alone.
Everyone deals with grief differently. For me, I had a sort of premonition, or feeling, that this might happen. I didn't want it to, and I was very sad when I got the news, but I can't say that I was really surprised. I know that isn't the case for many women. I have complete faith in God that He knows what is best for me and my family. In this instance, it meant not having this baby right now. I don't know the reason, and I may never know, but I believe that God knows and I trust Him. I've held onto that trust through many trials, and it's not let me down yet. I figure if I'm doing the best I know how that God will make up the rest. I'm still sad. I experienced a loss and while my faith makes it easier, I'm still sad. I've shed many tears and I will most likely shed many more as I tell people who hadn't heard or as people who hear come and give me hugs. Still, I'm able to go on. I'm able to get back into our routine. It's good for me and it's good for the kids to have that stability. I am grateful for all of the hugs, prayers, meals, and support that I've received. In a way, it makes the mourning easier, too. I know that others are mourning for my loss with me. I know that I'm not alone. If I had it to do over, I don't think I would do any differently, but that is just me.
When I found out I was pregnant, I joined an online group of mommies all due the same month I was. I quickly learned that for many of these women it was easier to tell a stranger online that you were pregnant than it was to tell anyone who might see you face to face. Many women had experienced miscarriages before, some of them multiple miscarriages. Most of these women were waiting until they saw the heartbeat before telling anyone, and a good number were waiting until they were out of their first trimester. We didn't do that.
After I took that home test and showed it to my husband it wasn't long before we told others. I've never had any problems in my previous pregnancies and after 4 you sometimes feel like you know what is going on. We told our family. We told our kids, who in turn told a lot of other people. We told some friends. Then, when I started spotting and a blood test confirmed that my pregnancy was ending it meant a lot of people we would probably need to tell at some point.
There were two ways to go about that. Do it all at once and get it over with, or wait until someone brought it up and deal with it slowly. We chose to tell as many people as we could, quickly. We let family know first. Then, I sent out a mass text to many of my friends. I was not able to make phone calls. I didn't trust my voice. The amount of love and support I've had have been wonderful. Friends have brought over meals and sent messages checking up on my. My in-laws took my kids so that I could relax and take a hot bath and rest. I've had offers from other to let my kids come to their houses if I need rest and many requesting that I let them know if I need anything. I may be mourning, but I am not alone.
Everyone deals with grief differently. For me, I had a sort of premonition, or feeling, that this might happen. I didn't want it to, and I was very sad when I got the news, but I can't say that I was really surprised. I know that isn't the case for many women. I have complete faith in God that He knows what is best for me and my family. In this instance, it meant not having this baby right now. I don't know the reason, and I may never know, but I believe that God knows and I trust Him. I've held onto that trust through many trials, and it's not let me down yet. I figure if I'm doing the best I know how that God will make up the rest. I'm still sad. I experienced a loss and while my faith makes it easier, I'm still sad. I've shed many tears and I will most likely shed many more as I tell people who hadn't heard or as people who hear come and give me hugs. Still, I'm able to go on. I'm able to get back into our routine. It's good for me and it's good for the kids to have that stability. I am grateful for all of the hugs, prayers, meals, and support that I've received. In a way, it makes the mourning easier, too. I know that others are mourning for my loss with me. I know that I'm not alone. If I had it to do over, I don't think I would do any differently, but that is just me.
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