Thankful Thursday

I just have to say, I am so thankful for good neighbors.  I think that is one thing I really love about living in a small town.  On Monday we were able to go help a neighbor with some sheep and some fencing.  Then, another neighbor told us about some old but still good fencing that was just taking up space at their place that we could haul away, so my wonderful husband and his dad did just that and now we have a better fence around our sheep.  It is so nice to have people around to give help to, and to help.  I love living here.

Feeling Better

I'm feeling much better after I had a good cry last week.  I keep reminding myself that a good night's sleep and some perspective help with a lot of life's ills.  Prayer helps, too.  I have a quote taped to my mirror that I look at everyday.  It says "Today's Test is tomorrow's Testimony".  I like that.  It reminds me that I can get through today and I will be stronger because of it.

Trusting and in Faith

So, about a week ago it hit me, if I hadn't had my miscarriage I would be having my baby any day now.  I felt sad.  I still feel a little sad when I remember.  I know that if I had my baby right now many things would be different in my life.  I would not be involved in some of the good projects I am currently involved in.  I would not have had the energy to can the few jars of tomatoes that did get canned this year.  I would be less available to help others in this their time of need. 

I know that God has a plan for each of our lives.  I believe that His plan is ultimately the best one if we have faith and trust in it.  I don't know why I lost that baby, but I trust that there was a reason and one day I will know that reason.  I also trust that this baby will come when he/she is supposed to.  Trusting and having faith isn't always easy, but when I think about what my life would be without it, it's sure a lot easier than living without some kind of answers. 

It Never Ends....

You know what chore bothers me the most lately?  Well, if you didn't I'm going to tell you, laundry.  It's one of those things that needs done, and it needs to happen often, but not as often as I seem to be doing it.  If I had my way I would have all of the clothes and linens in a separate room instead of in a place where the children can get to them.  I wash too many blankets and sheets because the kids use them to build forts, then leave them on the floor to get mud and dog hair all over them.  I'm also tired of my 3 year old taking all of the clothes out of her drawers looking for something and her big sisters putting all those clean clothes in the laundry basket, only to have a peed pair of panties get tossed on top of them so that I have to wash them all again.

I can't convince my husband to let me have a clothes room, though.  He thinks it's good for the kids to have dressers and closets in their rooms.  I can see his point, but I'm not sure he's seeing my point.  My big girls are pretty much the same size so they basically share all of their clothes.  In fact, besides a few specifics that they have gotten for birthdays or other special occasion, there is no distinguishing who's are who's.  Amazingly enough, they don't fight about it either.  It may change as they get older, but I'm enjoying it for now.  I dream of a room where clothes are sorted by size and gender and not by who they belong to.  I long for a linen closet that stays organized, instead of one where blankest get pulled down and shoved in.  I wish I didn't have to do so much washing, drying, putting away of clothes. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm glad that we have plenty of clothes to wash and blankets to keep us warm all winter.  I know that I am blessed beyond measure to have this problem.  I can't help but reflect how sometimes our greatest blessings can also be great burdens.  I keep thinking I should downsize on the amount of clothes we have, then some child complains that they are out of underwear or can't find any pants and I wonder if I had less clothes would they have enough to wear, since they run out when they have tons?  Maybe I could keep up with the laundry better if I didn't feel so overwhelmed?  Maybe if I didn't have to wash so many blankets, sheets, and towels I could get around to washing their underwear.  If I had all their clothes in one room instead of hiding in each of their rooms maybe I could monitor better what needed to be done?  Did I mention this room would have a lock on it so that they couldn't go in and grab whatever, whenever?  I also think their bedrooms would be cleaner if their clothes weren't in there.  I could be wrong on that one, but I don't think so.

Thankful Thursday

I feel the need to express some gratitude today.  So, here are 5 things I'm thankful for right now.

1.  My tatting shuttle and thread.  I love that I can take two simple, ordinary things and use them to create something beautiful.  Right now I am working on an American Flag and I can hardly wait to finish it.

2.  Pinterest.  I found a new recipe today that may solve some of my excess squash dilemma.  I don't normally like to bake, but this one looked good.  I've also found many, many other fun crafts, blogs, and homeschooling ideas.

3.  Idaho's homeschooling laws.  I truly feel blessed to live in Idaho and school my children the way I feel they should learn, not the way someone in a big government building thinks they should learn.

4.  My midwife.  I'm glad I found someone who is such a good fit for me and my family, Robert even likes her. 

5.  My piano.  It's not the newest, or the greatest, but it works.  I'm so glad to be able to have music in my home and that my children love music.  I love hearing them practice and make up their own songs.  I love that I recently got to do a duet with my daughter for her piano recital and that we can share this together.

Keeping in Touch With Friends

I'm going to do a little musing and reminiscing here so pardon my nostalgia.  I have been thinking a little lately about letter writing.  I started writing letters when I was still in grade school.  I don't know for sure when, but I do know I moved and wanted to keep in touch with a couple of my friends and former teachers.  I also wrote to my cousins and to my grandparents when they served a mission for our church.  As I entered Junior High and High School I kept up with my letter writing, adding friends I made from other towns, or friends from home when I went away for a couple of months.  I also began to write to missionaries.  At this time e-mail was still pretty new and phone calls could be expensive.  I wrote a lot of letters. 

With all of this letter writing I was able to keep in touch with a lot of friends for quite a while.  Letters from my cousins were some of my most prized possessions because they were some of my best friends.  I shared more thoughts from my heart and in return received many heartfelt letters in return.

Then life changed.  I got busy.  E-mail became more prevalent, and I lost touch with a good many of my friends.  I miss those days of writing letters.  I miss having a tangible expression of friendship and caring that I can read over and over again.

Today we have blogs and facebook.  I have been able to reconnect with some of those friends through these means.  I can read about some of what is going on in their lives and they can read about mine, but it feels impersonal sometimes.  I know that there are many details that I don't put on facebook or on my blog because they are too personal and private to just put out there, but things that I would tell friends if I was talking to them or writing a letter.  I'm sure that they are the same way. 

I'm happy to be able to connect with these friends.  If I am going to be anywhere near them I can get ahold of them and see about getting together.  It is fun to read about their lives, including pictures, for free.  I can't help but feel sad for what is lost, though.  I miss the intimacy of a letter.  I miss the thrill of going out to the mailbox and seeing my name on an envelope, and not having it be a bill.  It is nice to be able to curl up in a chair on in bed and read a letter, instead of sitting in front of a screen.  So, while I think technology is wonderful, I do think some things were better before.

Being There

You know, living on our wanna be farm brings some unique learning experiences.  We got to have one of those the other day.  This year we decided to add sheep to our resume.  We got some bottle lambs and one ewe.  Most of the lambs have done ok.  One of them was a runt, #5 in the batch, and weak.  We tried but she didn't make it longer than a week.  Another one got sick really sudden and died before we knew what was going on.  The kids were very sad in both instances.  They had loved on, played with, and bottle fed those two babies.  Then, we had a third lamb who was a little weaker and we were determined to avoid what happened the other two times.  Unfortunately our efforts didn't work out the way we wanted them too.  This time, though, my daughter was out trying to give him a bottle when he died.  She was holding him.  My daughter will be 9 next month, so she isn't that old.  When she came in crying, I knew what had happened.  She asked me to go out there with her.  So, despite being pregnant and having an aversion to all kinds of smells, I got on my boots and went out with her.  The lamb was in a little shed and the other sheep were outside.  She and I sat in there with little David (the lamb) and I listened to her and held her while she cried.  We talked, we cried, and we prayed together.  She had tried so hard to take care of and help that little lamb.  My husband was at work, but he got home about half an hour after this happened.  He helped our daughter bury her pet and again they prayed and cried and talked.  While they did that, I had gotten into a bath.  Well, I'd only been there about 10 minutes when my daughter came in, crying, and said she needed to cuddle.  I really wanted to stay where I was.  I had knots in my back and shoulders and I was finally relaxing, but I knew where I needed to be, and it wasn't in that nice, warm water.  I got out and she and I cuddled on my bed.  She got her diary out and wrote down some of her feelings.  Then we talked some more, cuddled, and she fell asleep.  My sweet husband slept on the couch that night so that she could stay where she was.  The next day she was doing better.  She wrote in her journal again, but she seems to be more accepting of the fact that David is gone.  I know she misses him, but she is strong.  My heart breaks that she was so sad and learned this lesson so young.  I'm glad for the chance I had to be there with her.  I'm sure this won't be the last time something like this happens and I hope that I can always remember that my children's feelings are important.  I hope that I can be a soft place for them to come to.  A place where they can find safety and peace.  After all, isn't that what a mother is for?

My Own Little Farm

Life has been very busy lately.  In the past my husband and I have talked about getting some kind of livestock to eat down the grass in our orchard.  We've never decided on anything though.   Well, that decision kind of fell in our lap.  A friend of mine raises dairy sheep and it is lambing time for her.  Her life decided to get very busy and she was not wanting to have to bottle feed babies this year and was looking to find homes for those babies.  To make a long story short, we have 11 baby lambs and 1 ewe now.  I am so grateful for the ewe because she is kind to all of the babies and as a bonus, one of the babies is hers and the other babies are able to steal some of her milk so our milk replacer goes just a little bit farther.  She also helps to keep them warm at night and watches over them.  Once they get a little bigger we can put them out in the orchard to eat the grass.  I am excited for that aspect, but I have to admit, I really don't know much about livestock.  I am so glad that my friend lives fairly close and is willing to help mentor us and we get into this.  She has also been telling us about many of the cool things you can do with sheep. 

Of course there is the eating of them.  You can make lamb chops and rack of lamb or whatever.  I'm not a big fan of lamb meat, but my husband likes it.  Also, since these are dairy sheep you can milk them.  The milk is supposed to be quite sweet and very rich.  They told me that it makes excellent ice cream and fudge.  I know you can also drink it plain and make cheese out of it.  Then there is the wool.  My mom has a spinning wheel that she told me I can have so I could make yarn, once I learn how to.  You can also weave the yarn for cloth, or felt the wool.  I have a lot of learning to do.

I told my husband that we are just going to have our own little farm here.  With all that we can do with the sheep, plus our chickens, our orchard, and the really great garden that I'm going to someday have, we are set, as long as we have water.  In a way I'm excited for all of this.  It feels good to think that you can take care of your family.  At the same time, it's a lot of work, and it's work that I've never really done before.  Seriously, I grew up with cats, dogs, and fish.  We had a garden that was mostly tomatoes, a few peppers, and corn, no fruit trees.  My mom didn't can when I was growing up, so I'm learning to do that now.  I did learn to sew and crochet, though.  I think I'm going to go back and read all of the Little House On the Prairie books, they really knew how to take care of themselves.  I'm just really glad I have electricity.

I Found Some Peace

Okay, since I decided to tell all of you about the struggle I've had with my youngest sister, I thought I should also tell you how I have finally found a measure of peace.  I've really struggled with my feelings towards my sister and my perceptions on what I think she is thinking.  I've prayed about this a lot, I've gone to the temple and taken it to the Lord, and I've talked with my sweet husband.  Finally, after thinking about some of the talks given during General Conference, I got an answer.  More of an impression, actually, but it was still an answer to my prayers. 

You see, I've never heard of anyone getting in trouble for caring too much.  I know there is a fine line between helping and enabling sometimes, but if we err on the side of helping, as far as our conscience lets us, then we should be okay.  Also, I don't really have a stewardship over my sister except to love her.  I'm not her parent or her ecclesiastical leader, I'm her sister.  I don't have to like what she has done.  I don't think these are the best circumstances for this baby to come into the world, but she's coming.  My sister and her baby are going to need a lot of help, and I need to be there to help her if I can. 

I feel peace with that answer.  It's not up to me to judge my sister's heart.  She already knows how I feel about what she's done.  I will do what I have to to protect my children, we've already had many talks about getting married before having babies.  After all of that is said and done, though, I need to love my sister.  It isn't going to be easy.  I now need to work on building our relationship again.  I've been avoiding her for the last 5 months.  I still have some negative feelings I need to let go of.  They are slowing, but surely, being released.  I hope that by the time this baby joins our family in a couple weeks that I will be ready to love her and her mother with my whole heart.

More in Common Than You Think.

I was thinking about my friends the other day and what an eclectic group of people I know.  As I was thinking this I especially thought about two of my friends that I knew in high school.  One I met in Idaho, another in California.  Each of us had very different backgrounds, and yet we have so many things in common.  So many times high school friends are only that, friends in high school.  That could have been true for these two, but after a number of years we reconnected.  It is so neat to see all of the things we have in common.  All of us are now married and have started families.  All of us became stay at home mommies.  All of us are now homeschooling.  Part of my decision was influenced by one of these friends.  It's true that we have many differences among us.  We have different religious beliefs, different political beliefs and differing ways to raise our children, but we have so many things in common.

Another friend of mine is actually quite a bit older than me.  She is probably closer to my mom's age than mine.  We share a love of food.  We have shared quite a few recipes and even produce from our gardens.  I have friends that I do crafts with, friends that I talk books with, friends that I talk parenting with.  I have friends that make me laugh, friends that I make laugh.  Friends that live far away and friends that aren't so far away.  I have friends who are incredibly outspoken and I have one friend who is amazing at loving everyone she meets.

So what does this have to do with anything?  Well, nothing, and everything.  Wouldn't this world be a very scary place if everyone were the same, or maybe it would be boring, depending on what person we were modeling after.  I am so glad that there are people out there who like to clean and who like to fish and who like to organize and those who like to craft and design clothes and garden and farm.  I am so glad I don't have to know how to do everything, but I can trade what I know and like with someone else who maybe has talents I don't have.  I want to teach my children to look for the good in people.  I want them to look at who a person is on the inside instead of what color their skin is, or what church they go to, or what clubs they belong to.  I want them to judge a person by what they say and do, not what they look like.  I want to teach my children to respect others because we are all children of God.  That doesn't mean that we have to accept or agree with everything someone does, but we can still treat them with respect and find a common ground.

Spirit of Courage

So, I mentioned earlier that I suffer from a touch of anxiety.  I also mentioned that I was in Relief Society at church in Texas when I felt like the lesson had a part that was just for me.  It was just a blurb at the end of the lesson, but it spoke to my heart.

I promise you that if you will respond to the invitation to share your beliefs and feelings about the restored gospel of Jesus Christ, a spirit of love and a spirit of courage will be your constant companion, for “perfect love casteth out fear” (1 John 4:18).

Elder L.Tom Perry gave a talk during the October conference in 2011 titled "Perfect Love Casteth Out Fear".  So, there you have it, the way to overcome my anxiety and get rid of my fears.  Okay, so life really isn't that easy, is it.  I've often wondered what it is that I want this blog to be.  I have a separate blog where I share funny stories and pictures of my kids.  I started this one as a place to share my thoughts that I didn't want to share on the family blog.  I know a lot of people who read both.  I enjoy reading craft blogs and cooking blogs.  I like reading about other moms who homeschool.  There are a number of blogs that I read that talk more specifically about their faith.  For some reason I don't feel like I've done that much on my blog despite my faith being a huge part of my life.

Maybe I'm afraid.  Not only am I afraid of what people I see might think of me, I'm afraid that my huge audience of readers (that's like 5 of you) might be offended by something I write, and then nobody will want to read my blog.  Isn't that silly?  I started this as a way to write down my thoughts, but not necessarily for anyone but me to read, and now I'm concerned what someone I don't even see will think.

I have a friend right now who has a lot of questions about God and about my beliefs.  I try to share and answer her questions as best I can, but I don't always get the words out so that she can understand.  I try, but my heart and my mouth don't always connect they way they should.  If only my heart could communicate with my brain, and then my brain could communicate with my mouth, but that takes longer sometimes.  I like to think things through, and if I haven't thought it through then I can't always answer so that my answer is understood.  I'm going to keep trying, though.  I really want that spirit of courage.

Spring Break

We had Spring Break last week and I had a wonderful time.  I was able to travel to Texas with two of my brothers, my husband, and my sister-in-law to go and see our other brother and his family.  I finally got warm! 

I'm not sure what it was about the week, but I was able to relax and recharge my batteries.  My kids stayed with my mom and instead I got to help my sister-in-law out with her kids.  Since they live in Texas and I'm in Idaho I don't get to see them much.  I had a blast getting to know them, playing with them and reading them books.  I also got to visit with my sister-in-law who I really don't know that well.  I found out that we have a lot of hobbies in common, and she introduced me to a new one while we were down there.  She is truly one of the sweetest people I know and I'm so glad to have her in the family.

When we went to church down there I was pretty tired (we had gotten in at 3 in the morning so I only had a few hours sleep before church), but I was amazed at how the lesson in Relief Society spoke right to me.  You see, it was the 4th Sunday, and on 4th Sunday's they use a Conference talk as the basis of the lesson.  Well, it was just what I needed to hear.  Somehow when that talk was decided upon the Lord knew that I would be in Texas that week and inspired someone to put it on the lesson plan.  Maybe I'm reading too much into it and they just thought it sounded good, but I do believe that when we are listening, we hear the messages we need.  I will have to write more on what I learned later, but it goes along with a previous post.

The thing that surprised me the most, though, was how my husband kept telling me how good I looked.  Now don't get me wrong, he is usually very complimentary to me.  This was different.  Something in his tone when he told me and the words he used.  He said I looked relaxed and happy.  He could tell I was having a good time, even though we didn't really do anything super fun or exciting.  I loved the compliments, and I was having a good time, but it kinda made me wonder what I must look like normally at home.  I mean, is haggard and stressed what I usually show him when he gets home from work?  I sure hope not.  I am going to make an effort to look nicer for him, because I sure don't want him to think that home life stresses me out too bad.  I love being a mom and being home with my kids.  I will admit it was nice to get away with my sweetheart for a short trip, though.

Judging

I don't know how many other women out there are like me, but I am often times pretty insecure.  I feel like I am in semi-constant fear of being judged.  All I want is to have a nice group of friends and for all of us to love each other and get along, is that so bad?  Of course, I want everyone to like me and the world to be perfect, is that too much to ask?  I know, I know, that's not the way it is, but a girl can dream.  When I was in high school I was so afraid of being thought of as "too smart" that I used to purposely misspell words on our spelling pre-tests.  I always got all of them right on the real test, but I didn't always want to be the smart one and be made fun of.  However, I also knew tricks to make it look like I knew more than I did, if it was something my friends all knew and I didn't, until I figured it out.  I didn't want to be too smart, but I didn't want to be stupid, either.

Now, I'm a big girl and I don't have to worry about spelling tests anymore.  I've gotten over some of the silly things I thought in school.  I don't mind telling people that I'm not sure of the answer, but I will find out.  I still worry about people liking me, though.  I'm not perfect.  Often I speak before I think, or I over-think while I'm speaking and my meanings get jumbled.  I say things that I shouldn't or the things I say don't end up sounding the way I mean them to.  I know that I've hurt people's feelings without meaning to.  When I find out that I've done that I apologize as soon as I can and try to fix it.  What about the times that I don't find out about?  I'm paranoid that there are all of these people out there with low opinions of me and are telling everyone else what a horrible person I am.  In my heart I know I'm doing the best I can and I'm trying to learn from my mistakes.  In my head I try to say it doesn't matter as long as I am doing what I believe is right.  My opinion of myself, and my God's opinion of me should matter a lot more than the person down the street or in the grocery store.  In my head I know all this, but my heart still wants everyone to like me.

Something I believe that helps with this is a best friend.  I mean a truly best friend who you can tell anything to.  Someone who has seen you at your best and your worst and loves you still.  Someone who isn't family, since for me, I feel like they have to love you because you are family.  Someone that you can talk to and be around and not feel so weird.  Why is it so hard to find someone like that? 

In this world of facebook and all kinds of online groups, how many friends do we really see and talk to on a regular basis?  If we needed a hug or a shoulder to cry on, who would we call?  Once upon a time we had to talk to our neighbors.  Women had quilting bees and churches had potluck suppers. Barn raisings and dances were community affairs and people mingled.  Now, we mingle in chat groups. I've been trying to make a better effort to actually see people face to face. 

When I lost my baby I was truly blessed to have so many people watching over me.  I had friends bring over meals, call me, or text me just to make sure I was okay.  I felt so much love from these people.  I feel like a big part of that was because each person was someone I had a personal, face to face, relationship with.  Whether we were part of an exercise group, or Bountiful Baskets, or a friend from church, I knew each person individually.  That is the kind of community I want my kids to have.  Those are the kinds of friends I want them to make, and it's the kind of friend I want to be. 

I also hope that I can remember to be forgiving when I think I've been wronged.  I hope that I won't judge a wrong judgement.  I want to be loving and kind so that I can lift others and we can all be better for it.  I want to work on making the world a better place, like I said in the beginning, I want us all to love each other and get along.

Mourn with those that mourn

I get to have an experience that will give me more empathy.  I get to experience the loss that comes with a miscarriage.  It's not a fun experience.  Miscarriage is a very real experience for many women, though.  I've known of others who've experienced it.  I have even seen women experience, but until now I could only guess at what they were feeling.  Even now, I can only partially relate to them since their beliefs and emotions are likely to be different than mine.  Still, it makes me wonder, is it better to suffer alone, or to share your suffering?

When I found out I was pregnant, I joined an online group of mommies all due the same month I was.  I quickly learned that for many of these women it was easier to tell a stranger online that you were pregnant than it was to tell anyone who might see you face to face.  Many women had experienced miscarriages before, some of them multiple miscarriages.  Most of these women were waiting until they saw the heartbeat before telling anyone, and a good number were waiting until they were out of their first trimester.  We didn't do that. 

After I took that home test and showed it to my husband it wasn't long before we told others.  I've never had any problems in my previous pregnancies and after 4 you sometimes feel like you know what is going on.  We told our family.  We told our kids, who in turn told a lot of other people.  We told some friends.  Then, when I started spotting and a blood test confirmed that my pregnancy was ending it meant a lot of people we would probably need to tell at some point.

There were two ways to go about that.  Do it all at once and get it over with, or wait until someone brought it up and deal with it slowly.  We chose to tell as many people as we could, quickly.  We let family know first.  Then, I sent out a mass text to many of my friends.  I was not able to make phone calls.  I didn't trust my voice.  The amount of love and support I've had have been wonderful.  Friends have brought over meals and sent messages checking up on my.  My in-laws took my kids so that I could relax and take a hot bath and rest.  I've had offers from other to let my kids come to their houses if I need rest and many requesting that I let them know if I need anything.  I may be mourning, but I am not alone. 

Everyone deals with grief differently.  For me, I had a sort of premonition, or feeling, that this might happen.  I didn't want it to, and I was very sad when I got the news, but I can't say that I was really surprised.  I know that isn't the case for many women.  I have complete faith in God that He knows what is best for me and my family.  In this instance, it meant not having this baby right now.  I don't know the reason, and I may never know, but I believe that God knows and I trust Him.  I've held onto that trust through many trials, and it's not let me down yet.  I figure if I'm doing the best I know how that God will make up the rest. I'm still sad.  I experienced a loss and while my faith makes it easier, I'm still sad.  I've shed many tears and I will most likely shed many more as I tell people who hadn't heard or as people who hear come and give me hugs.  Still, I'm able to go on.  I'm able to get back into our routine.  It's good for me and it's good for the kids to have that stability.  I am grateful for all of the hugs, prayers, meals, and support that I've received.  In a way, it makes the mourning easier, too.  I know that others are mourning for my loss with me.  I know that I'm not alone.  If I had it to do over, I don't think I would do any differently, but that is just me.

Writing

Once upon a time I was a writer, maybe not a good one, but a writer, nonetheless.  I wrote poems.  I wrote letters.  I wrote book reports. I wrote in a journal.  I wrote stories.  I loved writing.  Then, life changed.  The friends I was writing letters to came home.  I was no longer in school so reports weren't required anymore.  I didn't make time for poems and stories to be created.  My writing consisted of a few e-mails here and there and that was about it.  I was a faithful journal writer.  I have a number of journals that I filled with teenage angst.  That has slipped too.

Some years ago I discovered blogging.  I started one about my family.  I wanted a way for my extended family and those members who didn't live close, to see what we were up to.  Shortly after, I started a second blog where I could write more about my thoughts and feelings, my personal blog (this blog).


How did I let this happen?  Like I said, much of it was let go when I was no longer in school.  Even writign I did for fun, I quit.  When I got married and began having children they took much of my time and energy.

Lately I've been realizing how much I have missed writing.  I have whole discussions in my head.  Whole papers are narrated in my mind.  I never get the words written down, though.  That needs to change.

My oldest girls are at an age where they are learning to write.  They are learning to narrate stories back to me, and to make up their own stories.  It is so fun to watch them!  I love reading about their imaginary adventures.  It is so interesting to read about how they see the world.  I've been reminded of the joy of a story coming together on the paper in front of me.

I've also been reminded of the importance of writing down thoughts and stories for my kids and future grandkids to read years down the road.  History is simply one big story and I want my part of it to be recorded.  I will write again.  Now, what do I write about?

2012 is Our Year

The best words to describe the last two years is that they have been learning experiences.  I can't say that all of those experiences have been very enjoyable, but we sure have learned a lot from them.  This year some of that is going to change, I just know it.  We have a lot of learning experiences yet to go through, but I believe that more of them will bring smiles to our faces.  My sweet husband is embarking on a new career in a field that we have very minimal experience in.  Yet, the opportunities are amazing, if we just work hard and stick to it.  So, we will do just that.  I am fully prepared to support him in whatever he needs me to do.  I will be fine with him working long hours and coming home late, grateful that he is coming home instead of staying in a hotel like he did much of last year.  I learned that I can take care of a lot of things around the house that he normally took care of, so I can help him that way too, and I will be very grateful for the weekends when he can help me.  There is so much potential in our future and I am very excited to see where we are going.  We are putting together some plans and goals for our life. For the first time in a long time they actually seem attainable.  That feels amazing!  The next couple of months I believe will be quite trying for us, but I hope to soon be able feel like I can breathe again.  I look at all of the things that have happened in the past two years and how they have led us to where we are now.  I am grateful for some of those challenges which I can now view as blessings.  I am grateful for all of the things they taught me, all of the lessons I learned, but I'm also ready to enjoy the good things that come from learning those lessons.

That brings me to what I want to have happen this year.  I've wavered back and forth on the idea of New Years Resolutions.  On the one hand, if you need to change, do it now.  On the other, a goal without a time line is just a dream.  It seems like the New Year is just as good a place to mark time as any.  So, this year I have a lot of things I want to do.  I want to paint some more of my house, specifically my hallway and my bedroom.  I want to make a new quilt for my bed.  I want to grow either kale or swiss chard in my garden this year, along with other favorites that I already know how to grow.  I have a goal to attend the temple more often this year.  I don't have a specific number of times right now, but I will take that up with the Lord.  I want to get some shelves installed in my sewing room.  I still want to eliminate more of the "stuff" from our house.  I also want to plant some more flower beds outside so that we can have pretty colors next summer.  Along with those, I have lots and lots of things I want to do, but I'm not sure when I want to have them done by or what priority they really are for me.  And of course, there are the things that my husband and I have decided together, like planting more grass, raising chickens for meat, and maybe even going in with my brother on a cow for meat.  He has a lot more plans for the outside that I mostly just give him my input on, but he will be doing most of the work, so I let him figure more of it out.

The best thing is, I have such a feeling of hope for this year.  Last year I clung to faith, believing that things would get better because we were doing the best we could.  This year I feel like we've passed some kind of test and while there are more tests to come, we will be getting a reward for the ones we've already passed.  I don't know if that makes sense, but honestly, I will take these feelings of happiness and go with it.  Words cannot describe the feelings of peace and love that the Spirit of the Lord can bring to you, even when life doesn't make sense and you wonder where all the good things have gone.  Thirteen months ago I gained a greater understanding of the word "despair" and now I hope to understand better what the word "hope" means also.

Who do I resemble?

I read a blog the other day where the author asked what fictional character you felt like you resembled, or that you could associate yourself with.  Well, I have a list of character that I wish I was more like, but I could not think of one, or even 2 that I felt I could compare myself to, until I read another person's response.  They referenced a short children's story, that reminded me of a book I really like.

I'll Do Better Tomorrow, I Promise by Maurine Reynolds Adamek.  The book goes through the day of a little boy and all of the ways he tried to help, but ended up trying is mother's patience.  At the end, the little boy is feeling kinda bad, but then the mother prays for forgiveness and promises to do better tomorrow.  I feel like that so many days.  I look back on the times I lost my patience, on the times when I wasn't as understanding as I could have been and think about how I could have done things differently.  This unnamed mother is probably the fictional character that I think I am most like.

The Blahs......

I have the winter blahs.  Not to be confused with the winter blues.  No, I am just really cold all the time.  It seems that very little of what I do seems to work to get me warm.  I will take a warm bath, but as soon as I get out, I'm cold again.  I dress in layers every day.  Changing my socks works for a while, but then I get cold again.  I am really missing warmer weather.  (At the same time I'm hoping for snow because it is January in Idaho and that is what is supposed to happen).  Also, I am so tired.  I think it has something to do with shorter days.  During the summer I could get up early and be busy most of the day and still have energy in the evening.  Now, I'm falling asleep almost before we put the kids to bed, and I have to drag myself out of bed in the morning.  It doesn't help that I'm snuggled up to the hubby and he's warm.  I need to get up earlier, I get so much more accomplished in the mornings, but I just don't have the motivation to get out of bed, especially when I'm so cold.