I am an insecure person. Whenever I hear of someone having a bad day or having their feelings hurt, I'm always worried that it was me. You see, I'm not very good with words. I can debate and argue okay, but conversations and trying to explain my heart, not so good. My words trip all over themselves and I just know that my intent is not coming across, so then I talk some more and it just ends up just getting more and more confused.
I had some good friends when I was in high school and college that for reasons I don't fully understand came to really hate me. One such person told how she wanted to smother me with a pillow and watch the life flow out of me. She was someone I really trusted and I don't know what happened to change our relationship. So now I fear getting close to anyone, even though I crave the closeness.
There is a part of me that tries to tell myself that I am doing the best I can. Yes, I will make mistakes, but I would never intentionally hurt anyone. All I can do is try my best to be a good friend and hope others see that. I try to tell myself that if I am trying my best to live my life full of integrity then what others think shouldn't bother me, but it does. I second guess what I've done and think of how I could have done things differently. They say hindsight is 20/20.
One of the things I've noticed about myself is that I want to make sure everything is okay. I want to be involved with everything my friends are involved in so that I can know what is going on and try to make their lives easier. Of course I can't do that. It tends to be viewed as butting in, and nobody likes that. So in the end, I end up creating what I fear. I hope one day to have the knowledge and wisdom to be a good friend. To know when to speak and when to keep quiet. Also, to be able to articulate my thoughts and feelings accurately.
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The things on my heart and mind. It's like my journal, made public.
3 comments:
I was just contemplating this exact thing this morning and wondering if I should put it on my blog. I have recently had some experiences where I have come into contact with people from my past and I find myself wanting to do anything to please them...when in all honesty if my life is complete right now, why do I need to please them who have not been in my life for years.
I am constantly remembering mistakes from years ago, childhood, junior high, college, and wishing I could go back and change things. But I try to tell myself that if things had been different, I might not be where I am right now and I am really happy where I am now.
I hope all my rambling is helping and not making worse (see same worries as you :) Thanks for sharing what was in my heart as well.
You know all those saying about how true friends are the ones who walk in when the rest of the world walks out, well that is true. The true friends are the ones who are still willing to forgive and be your friend even when you may be the one to hurt their feelings, if these friends don't want anything to do with you then you are truely better off without them, who would you rather spend your time with? people who want to be around you or people who don't! You can always count on me being one of those that want to be around you!!
WHOOOOOOOOA!! Who in the world, or in their right mind, would tell someone else that they'd wanna smother them and watch the life drain out of them???? CRAZY!!!!!
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