I Found Some Peace

Okay, since I decided to tell all of you about the struggle I've had with my youngest sister, I thought I should also tell you how I have finally found a measure of peace.  I've really struggled with my feelings towards my sister and my perceptions on what I think she is thinking.  I've prayed about this a lot, I've gone to the temple and taken it to the Lord, and I've talked with my sweet husband.  Finally, after thinking about some of the talks given during General Conference, I got an answer.  More of an impression, actually, but it was still an answer to my prayers. 

You see, I've never heard of anyone getting in trouble for caring too much.  I know there is a fine line between helping and enabling sometimes, but if we err on the side of helping, as far as our conscience lets us, then we should be okay.  Also, I don't really have a stewardship over my sister except to love her.  I'm not her parent or her ecclesiastical leader, I'm her sister.  I don't have to like what she has done.  I don't think these are the best circumstances for this baby to come into the world, but she's coming.  My sister and her baby are going to need a lot of help, and I need to be there to help her if I can. 

I feel peace with that answer.  It's not up to me to judge my sister's heart.  She already knows how I feel about what she's done.  I will do what I have to to protect my children, we've already had many talks about getting married before having babies.  After all of that is said and done, though, I need to love my sister.  It isn't going to be easy.  I now need to work on building our relationship again.  I've been avoiding her for the last 5 months.  I still have some negative feelings I need to let go of.  They are slowing, but surely, being released.  I hope that by the time this baby joins our family in a couple weeks that I will be ready to love her and her mother with my whole heart.

More in Common Than You Think.

I was thinking about my friends the other day and what an eclectic group of people I know.  As I was thinking this I especially thought about two of my friends that I knew in high school.  One I met in Idaho, another in California.  Each of us had very different backgrounds, and yet we have so many things in common.  So many times high school friends are only that, friends in high school.  That could have been true for these two, but after a number of years we reconnected.  It is so neat to see all of the things we have in common.  All of us are now married and have started families.  All of us became stay at home mommies.  All of us are now homeschooling.  Part of my decision was influenced by one of these friends.  It's true that we have many differences among us.  We have different religious beliefs, different political beliefs and differing ways to raise our children, but we have so many things in common.

Another friend of mine is actually quite a bit older than me.  She is probably closer to my mom's age than mine.  We share a love of food.  We have shared quite a few recipes and even produce from our gardens.  I have friends that I do crafts with, friends that I talk books with, friends that I talk parenting with.  I have friends that make me laugh, friends that I make laugh.  Friends that live far away and friends that aren't so far away.  I have friends who are incredibly outspoken and I have one friend who is amazing at loving everyone she meets.

So what does this have to do with anything?  Well, nothing, and everything.  Wouldn't this world be a very scary place if everyone were the same, or maybe it would be boring, depending on what person we were modeling after.  I am so glad that there are people out there who like to clean and who like to fish and who like to organize and those who like to craft and design clothes and garden and farm.  I am so glad I don't have to know how to do everything, but I can trade what I know and like with someone else who maybe has talents I don't have.  I want to teach my children to look for the good in people.  I want them to look at who a person is on the inside instead of what color their skin is, or what church they go to, or what clubs they belong to.  I want them to judge a person by what they say and do, not what they look like.  I want to teach my children to respect others because we are all children of God.  That doesn't mean that we have to accept or agree with everything someone does, but we can still treat them with respect and find a common ground.

Spirit of Courage

So, I mentioned earlier that I suffer from a touch of anxiety.  I also mentioned that I was in Relief Society at church in Texas when I felt like the lesson had a part that was just for me.  It was just a blurb at the end of the lesson, but it spoke to my heart.

I promise you that if you will respond to the invitation to share your beliefs and feelings about the restored gospel of Jesus Christ, a spirit of love and a spirit of courage will be your constant companion, for “perfect love casteth out fear” (1 John 4:18).

Elder L.Tom Perry gave a talk during the October conference in 2011 titled "Perfect Love Casteth Out Fear".  So, there you have it, the way to overcome my anxiety and get rid of my fears.  Okay, so life really isn't that easy, is it.  I've often wondered what it is that I want this blog to be.  I have a separate blog where I share funny stories and pictures of my kids.  I started this one as a place to share my thoughts that I didn't want to share on the family blog.  I know a lot of people who read both.  I enjoy reading craft blogs and cooking blogs.  I like reading about other moms who homeschool.  There are a number of blogs that I read that talk more specifically about their faith.  For some reason I don't feel like I've done that much on my blog despite my faith being a huge part of my life.

Maybe I'm afraid.  Not only am I afraid of what people I see might think of me, I'm afraid that my huge audience of readers (that's like 5 of you) might be offended by something I write, and then nobody will want to read my blog.  Isn't that silly?  I started this as a way to write down my thoughts, but not necessarily for anyone but me to read, and now I'm concerned what someone I don't even see will think.

I have a friend right now who has a lot of questions about God and about my beliefs.  I try to share and answer her questions as best I can, but I don't always get the words out so that she can understand.  I try, but my heart and my mouth don't always connect they way they should.  If only my heart could communicate with my brain, and then my brain could communicate with my mouth, but that takes longer sometimes.  I like to think things through, and if I haven't thought it through then I can't always answer so that my answer is understood.  I'm going to keep trying, though.  I really want that spirit of courage.

Spring Break

We had Spring Break last week and I had a wonderful time.  I was able to travel to Texas with two of my brothers, my husband, and my sister-in-law to go and see our other brother and his family.  I finally got warm! 

I'm not sure what it was about the week, but I was able to relax and recharge my batteries.  My kids stayed with my mom and instead I got to help my sister-in-law out with her kids.  Since they live in Texas and I'm in Idaho I don't get to see them much.  I had a blast getting to know them, playing with them and reading them books.  I also got to visit with my sister-in-law who I really don't know that well.  I found out that we have a lot of hobbies in common, and she introduced me to a new one while we were down there.  She is truly one of the sweetest people I know and I'm so glad to have her in the family.

When we went to church down there I was pretty tired (we had gotten in at 3 in the morning so I only had a few hours sleep before church), but I was amazed at how the lesson in Relief Society spoke right to me.  You see, it was the 4th Sunday, and on 4th Sunday's they use a Conference talk as the basis of the lesson.  Well, it was just what I needed to hear.  Somehow when that talk was decided upon the Lord knew that I would be in Texas that week and inspired someone to put it on the lesson plan.  Maybe I'm reading too much into it and they just thought it sounded good, but I do believe that when we are listening, we hear the messages we need.  I will have to write more on what I learned later, but it goes along with a previous post.

The thing that surprised me the most, though, was how my husband kept telling me how good I looked.  Now don't get me wrong, he is usually very complimentary to me.  This was different.  Something in his tone when he told me and the words he used.  He said I looked relaxed and happy.  He could tell I was having a good time, even though we didn't really do anything super fun or exciting.  I loved the compliments, and I was having a good time, but it kinda made me wonder what I must look like normally at home.  I mean, is haggard and stressed what I usually show him when he gets home from work?  I sure hope not.  I am going to make an effort to look nicer for him, because I sure don't want him to think that home life stresses me out too bad.  I love being a mom and being home with my kids.  I will admit it was nice to get away with my sweetheart for a short trip, though.