Anxiety Attacks

I don't know how many people deal with anxiety issues, but I know I am among them.  I would imagine it's a lot higher than most people realize.  There are probably many people who are like me that know there is something going on with them, but don't have a name for what it is.   At one point in time I was worried that I had depression, which is common in my family, and I went in to see a doctor.  They actually diagnosed me with anxiety.  So, now I have a name to define what I'm feeling. 

I've dealt with anxiety for a long time.  I remember in college that there was a co-worker who made my life at work kinda miserable.  I would shake and cry before going into work if I knew she was working with me.  At another time in life I had a friend who was emotionally draining and I would have anxiety attacks after an evening of spending time with this friend.  I'm not on any medication for my anxiety (the one time they put me on some I had side affects that I really didn't like so I quit taking it).  I've learned a few coping strategies that work for me, though, and usually my anxiety is fairly mild.  If it ever got worse I would seek medical help, but for now I'm mostly okay.

I have learned something about my anxiety attacks.  Most of them occur around moments of confrontation, either real or imagined.  Some happen after the fact, like the time I got yelled at for not letting someone pick something up because they couldn't give me their receipt saying they bought it.  Some happen when I imagine a confrontation, like my former job.  There have been a few exceptions, like a change I wasn't expecting.  But overall, most of my anxiety attacks are a result of confrontation.  While I'm in the midst of it I'm usually okay, it's always either before or after the fact that I start shaking, my heart starts racing and I feel like I'm going to be sick or cry, or both.

So, unless I closet myself away (which isn't healthy for me or my family) there is no way that I can avoid confrontation.  The question I have, then, is how do I handle those confrontations without having an anxiety attack?  Case in point.  I have a cousin who was baptized.  I told my aunt a few weeks before that we would probably be coming.  I realized just a few days before that I hadn't told her for sure, and I didn't know if she would have room for us.  I didn't want to assume that I could just show up at her house and have her put me and my kids up for the night, when I knew that there were already going to be quite a few people staying at her house.  The idea of calling up my aunt to ask if we could stay at her house made me sick to my stomach and almost made me want to quit the idea of going altogether.  That does not seem rational to me, especially because when I did call her she was planning on me coming and was making arrangements for my family.  This was just a small thing, all I had to do was make a quick phone call, but it made me sick to my stomach, and this was a family member, who I know loves me.  It can be even worse if I have to call a stranger.

I know stress is also another trigger.  I don't have nearly as many attacks when my stress level is low as I do when it is high.  Yet, I don't know how to get rid of the stress either.  I just want a Utopian world where life runs smoothly, people are nice to each other and doing your best is all that anyone asks of you.  I know that this isn't going to happen anytime soon and that we can't grow stronger without meeting some kind of resistance.  I just wish I had a text book with answers for my own personalized life that said, when A happens understand that B is the reason, and do C.  Since I don't ever see that book being published I will just have to hone my coping skills and hope I make the right choices.

What I have realized I need to do when these times come is to take a step back, first.  I look at what is going on.  Have I blown things out of proportion?  Is there another solution to my dilemma?  Depending on the situation and how physically sick I am, I often will call someone I know who has a calmer head than me.  In college it was my mom and she could talk me through it.  Now it is usually my husband, but if he isn't available, my mom is usually there, and if no one else can help me my Heavenly Father is always there.  Often though, he sends me help in the form of my husband and mom.  After taking that step back I can usually figure out if I have real reasons for not wanting to do something, or if they are imagined.  Then, if it is all in my mind, I take that scary first step.  Once I start then my survival instincts kick in and I'm good.  I have noticed that very few times once I am in the middle of something do I have problems.  Or, if it is after the fact, I try to let it go and just move on with my life, what's done is done.

I can also do some things to make it so that my mind isn't so easily beset by these plaguing thoughts.  For me I am much calmer if I get enough sleep.  This means, in my case, not staying up really late, and getting up early.  I need quiet meditation time and about the best time for me is in the morning before my children wake up.  I take this time to watch the sunrise and relax in the glory of this wonderful world.  I read my scriptures and find strength and peace in them.  I pray.  Another thing that really helps me is to have a clean house.  When my surroundings are neat and peaceful, it's like an extension of my mind, calm and peaceful.  This isn't always easy to do with 4 kids, but I can usually find at least 1 room of my house that I can retire to when I am feeling a little frazzled and I can regroup. 

This is what I have found to work for me.  How about you?  Do you suffer from anxiety?  How do you deal with it?

Monday's Miracles

1.  Crock-Pots.  I have to say this week I am grateful for these.  We have 2 different kinds of slow cookers and it is so nice to be able to come home to the house smelling yummy and food waiting to be eaten.
2.  Planned Leftovers.  I love the idea of cooking something once, but making it stretch into two meals.  In my case, it was the chicken from the crock-pot.
3.  Sprinklers.  Summer times makes sprinklers all the more fun when it's hot.  They are also great for watering grass seed, for what will hopefully be more lawn.
4.  Colored Pencils.  I love these so much that even when I get the kids some for school, I have some of my own.  Plus, what else can I use to keep my kids so busy for so long?
5.  Cups.  They aren't just for holding beverages.  I have learned that you can use them to catch honey bees and then release them outside.  You can also capture small cars under them I'm learning.

Monday's Miracles

1.  Ginger.  It's wonderful for queasy stomachs, did you know that?
2.  Postcards.  They don't cost much to buy or send, but they bring a world of delight to the receiver
3.  Good movies.  When you need a child to take it easy and relax sometimes a good, clean, wholesome movie makes it just a little easier
4.  Baby Gates, they aren't just for babies
5.  Fans.  They have been so wonderful this summer

Monday’s Miracles

I haven’t done these for a while, but I thought I should do them again.

1.  Grass.  I know I complain about mowing it and watering it, but I sure do enjoy having it.  It wasn’t that long ago that I didn’t have grass around my house and I still remember how hot, muddy, and drab my house looked.  I love being able to walk through the soft grass and the nice look of the mowed yard.

2.  Swimming Pools.  With the weather being so hot, it sure is nice to go swimming.

3.  Popsicles.  Cold, sweet yummyness

4.  Buttons.  Have you really thought about everything a button can do and be?  It holds our clothes together, it looks cute in the middle of a flower bow, you can make jewelry out of them…

5.  Bountiful Baskets.  I’ve tried so many new fruits and vegetable through participating, and I love how much I get in my basket.  It definitely supports my endeavors to eat healthier.

Idaho Distance Education Academy

I’ve already told some people, but our family is going to embark on a new adventure next year.  I have enrolled my oldest two in the Idaho Distance Education Academy charter school.  What does that mean you are asking? Well I will tell you.  It means that I will be the one teaching them next year with some assistance from a certified teacher.  I will mostly be communicating with the teacher by phone and e-mail, so really, I will be teaching the kids.  We will be home schooling them.

There have been varied responses, varied questions, and varied concerns when I’ve told people about our decision.  This is not a spur of the moment decision.  It is something I have been thinking, pondering, and praying about for a long time.  It is also something that I wouldn’t do without Robert’s support and so he has also been praying about it. 

So to answer some questions. #1 why am I doing this?  Well, there are a lot of reasons.  I think that my girls are too young to be away from me for so much time.  They are at a stage in life where I feel like I should be the main teacher they have and that is difficult to do when they are at school for around 7 waking hours and I have them for 4.  Also, there are lessons that I want them to learn that I’m not sure are being taught in schools.  There are better books that they could be reading than what are being read to them in schools, and I want to expose them to the best and not settle just because they are reading.

#2 DoI think I can really do this?  What about my “me” time?  Yes it’s true, I will be with the kids an awful lot without a break.  You see, here’s the thing, I love my kids and I love being with my kids.  I will grant that there are times that I lose my patience, but that is usually when I am doing things that aren’t really worthwhile and I’m feeling guilty.  I am so much more organized when the older kids are home, my house is actually cleaner when they are here and our lives have a tendency to run smoother and more structured.  Right now I’m looking at our lives and seeing where I can fit some math in, or some spelling or science.  It isn’t going to change that much for us so yes, I do think I can do this.

#3 What about their social time?  Well, here’s the thing, I’m pretty social myself.  That means that we are going to be going out and being around people, and we are going to be inviting people to come to our house.  I will be teaching them to be polite, to share, how to be a good hostess and how to be a good guest.  Those are skills better learned from me than from other kids their own age, don’t you think?  With the exception of those few years they spend in school, people are not usually kept in social groups of peers their own age.  Many of the friends I have now are closer to my sister’s age than my own, or they are older than me.  Learning to relate to people of all ages is a better skill than just people your own age and experience.

#4  Won’t they fall behind?  No, I don’t think they will.  You see, children have a natural desire to learn.  If we provide them opportunities and inspire them, then they will learn.  I am wanting to learn, too.  It is something we can do together.  If they seem Mom wanting to learn, they will too.  If we are reading, talking and discussing things together it only builds upon that desire.  That is what we are going to do.  Yes, it takes dedication on the part of the parent, but when you make life about learning, not just learning to pass the test, well, that is when it really sticks.

I am really excited about this journey we are taking.  I am a little nervous, too, but mostly excited.  I will have help and support from a certified teacher when I need it.  My children will still take the state mandated tests to see where they are at.  I have friends to help guide me and help me along the way.  Above all, I have a conviction that this is what I am supposed to be doing right now at this time in our lives.

Hidden Sorrows

What is it about us that we feel to hide so many sorrows and struggles.  It could be an illness such as cancer or depression.  Maybe it is financial struggles or something that has caused us sadness and pain, hurtful words spoken to us or some loss that we have had.  So many times we take these things and we lock them up inside, putting on a mask or withdrawing from those around us, lest anyone should guess the truth.

Why do we do this?  Are we afraid?  What do we have to be afraid of?  Fear that we will be treated differently?  Fear that someone will say or do something else to hurt us?  Fear that someone will help us and then we will feel indebted to them?

The scriptures tell us that we should should help one another.

8. ...and now, as ye are desirous to come into the fold of God, and to be called his people, and are willing to bear one another's burdens, that they may be light;

9. Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort...           Mosiah 18: 8-9

or in the New Testament

2.  Bear ye one another's burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ.  Galatians 6:2

 And yet, if we are unwilling to share, if we keep everything hidden inside then are we guilty of not allowing others to follow the scriptures?  We tell ourselves that we would gladly help share someone else's burden, but we are unwilling to share our burden with anyone else.

Now, when I say this, don't think I mean that we should all air our dirty laundry or ask for hand-outs.  I don't mean for us to expect others to take care of our problems.  I do believe there are things, however, that when shared can help us heal or lighten our burden.  The woman who loses a baby before anyone knows she was pregnant.  The neighbor who gets cancer but doesn't want anyone to know.  The family who is doing everything they can to meet their financial obligations, but they are barely able to meet their current needs.  All of these people keep it all in until either enough time passes to dull the pain, or something happens that they can no longer hide their situation.

The thing is, to the person who suffers depression and just wishes for something good in their life, a smile and a kind word can make a world of difference.  To one who is sick  and wishing they didn't have to make dinner, a meal brought in provides peace of mind and rest.  To someone who just doesn't know where the money they need is going to come from $20 may not break you, but it could mean food for their family.  The thing is, most of the time we don't know about these needs.  The Spirit can, and does, often speak to us leading us to help others, but just as we teach our children to ask for what they want, we need to also ask.

Then again, who do we ask?  As children we ask our parents.  As adults, how many close relationships do we share?  We have become a nation of texting and facebook and while those things are good in their own rite, they are not everything.  How often do we sit and visit face to face, or call someone up on the phone and listen to their voice? We take our world and compress it into little tiny bites like ttyl, idk, or lol.  We share what we are cooking for dinner, our favorite t.v. shows, what cute thing our child said/did, but we don't share our hearts.  We don't share our inner thoughts (although sometimes people share too many thoughts that maybe should be kept personal).  We hide behind the superficial part of our lives and never have to form meaningful relationships.

Pride.  I think often that is what it all comes down to.  We are too proud to accept help.  We think that we can take care of it ourselves.  We don't want to be a burden on anyone else.  We may have gotten ourselves into the situation and feel we need to get ourselves out of it.  We think we need to rely on only ourselves, or we pray to God and ask for a miracle, but we don't take the extra steps to help him fulfill the miracle.  We don't ask for help.  I know I'm guilty of this.  Right now, I don't even know how to begin fixing it.  Like my blog title says, this is a musing of my heart.  I will keep on musing and maybe I will find some answers for my own soul.  I hope so.

Day 2

1.  Moonlight Sonata by Beethoven-  I love this song sooooo much and I wish I could play it, but my hands aren't big enough.

2.  Broken by Kenneth Cope

Day 3

 

1.  Patch Adams.  This was the movie that Robert and I saw for our first date.  I don't know why I remember that, but I do.

2.  Lord of The Rings trilogy-  Really 3 movies, but I didn't like them, and I still don't.  My husband loved them and I almost walked out of the theater during #1.  I think I'll read the books.

3.  Operation Pettycoat-  I like those old movies.  I don't watch many movies anymore, it seems like I have too much going on, but if I did, I'd like an old one that I knew was clean and touching, and funny.

Day 4

1.  The Secret Garden- My first favorite book of all time
2.  Les Miserables- The largest book I've ever read
3.  The Chosen-  A book I would like to read
4.  Feminine Mystique- A book I have no desire to read

Day 5

1. Celery- One of my favorite foods, and one I even wrote a poem about in elementary school, even yummier with peanut butter.
2. Mexican- my favorite type of food, especially enchiladas and tacos
3. Okra- didn’t really like this, maybe I don’t know how to fix it properly
4. Mom’s Gluten free German Chocolate Pie- so rich
5. Chocolate Banana-Berry smoothie-one of the best breakfasts around

Day 6

1. Home, there’s no place like it, and I love it.
2. The beach.  When I need to relax, like at the dentist or something, I imagine I’m at the beach.
3. The mountains.  Closer than the beach, but if I can find a little stream, just as therapeutic.
4. Independence, Missouri.  Someplace I want my husband to take our family.  He served his mission there I would love to go back with him.
5. Farmer’s Markets.  I could spend hours walking around and talking to vendors.  I love going to Farmer’s Markets.
6. Labor and Delivery Rooms.  I really don’t enjoy being there.  The beds are uncomfortable, I am not usually feeling well, and I can think of a lot more comforting places to be.  

Day 7

1. My yard to be fully landscaped with a sprinkler system
2. Shelves in my sewing room
3. To go on a vacation to somewhere I’ve never been before.  Europe or a cruise would be nice.
4. The freedom of having lots of space, with the niceness of having neighbors I can sit on the porch and talk to (that one won’t happen, but I want it)
5. A riding lawn mower
6. A whole list of books, including The Princess Bride 
7. A tractor that I know how to use, so that in winter I can plow my driveway and in summer I can use it around the yard.