The beginning of the school year brings mixed feelings for me. My girls are so excited and I'm excited for them. They will get to reunite with old friends, make new friends, open brand new school supplies and learn new things. The hard part for me is that I don't know what is going on when they are playing on the playground. I don't know if kids are being mean, or crude, or worse. I don't know how the teacher is answering their questions about life and society and morality. I don't know what books they are reading or having read to them. I don't know all of their friends and what their homes are like. And what if I do know and I don't fully agree with something? This is a small town and little splashes make big waves.
I have a couple of friends who homeschool their children. I love the idea. I love the fact that I could be the one teaching them right and wrong, teaching them what I believe about morality and God. I love to have them near me and share with me the exciting things they find and discover. My son has discovered that blue and yellow make green and he's only 3 (he discovered this by peeing into a toilet that had a blue cleaning tablet in it). He was so excited by his discovery and I'm glad that I was there for him to tell me. Yet, even though I love the idea, I'm not ready for this.
I have to admit, when school started this year, along with all my fears and concerns, there was a little bit of relief. This past year has been difficult for me, dealing with some postpartum depression and learning to cope with and without medication. Dealing with issues concerning Robert's employment and how that has affected our family. Having thoughts and feelings challenged in numerous ways and trying to figure out what I believe and how to make the changes to my life. I'm still figuring all this out. I want to teach my children how to be happy, centered people, but I can't do that until I become more centered myself. I think that is what I am doing now. I feel guilty for handing my girls over to someone else for a large portion of their day, but for right now, for me, I need to. Someday I want all my kids home with me. I want to see them love learning and excelling in their studies. I want to watch them as they discover the world around them, but right now if I was to bring my girls home, I'm not sure I would be helping them. That is a tough pill to swallow, so I better get moving so that I am worthy of my children and ready to be that teacher that they need.
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On one hand, homeschooling would be nice in that I could keep the curriculum right with the kids needs, but I must admit, that the thought of having my kids 24/7 scares me! I think they need the break just as much as I do, plus the socialization.
Jaden has been having a particularly rough time this year and has bawled 2 mornings for me to let him stay home...but I know that if I were to homeschool him, he would never get to be comfortable being around people, learning from others, and keeping pace in society. I would be hindering him. It's been very hard to send him to school knowing that he HATES it but I reassure him every morning and night that he is not alone, that I love him, and will help him as much as I can.
And do not say that you are UNWORTHY OF YOUR CHILDREN!!! God felt you worthy to send them to you, you carried them, gave birth to them, and still have them. So obviously you are worthy of them :)
We are not bad mothers because we enjoy a small break from them. We were both public schooled and we turned out pretty darn good I think!
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