My Cup Runneth Over

A week ago, today, I was set apart as the Primary Pianist. Good thing I have a piano again, huh? To say I felt inadequate is an understatement. I have always been surrounded by music. My mom played piano the whole time I was growing up and I took lessons for a little while when I was younger, but then life got busy and playing the piano went into the background. After we moved here I got my own piano, but I didn't really play it all that often. Oh, I made token efforts to play and the kids would plink out a tune here and there, but that was all. I am not that good and I'll be the first to tell you that I really should have payed better attention to my piano teacher all those years ago. Still, I believe the the Lord qualifies those whom he calls. As I was struggling to learn one of the songs that I was asked to play I just felt very overwhelmed, so I went into my room and poured out my heart in prayer. As I was doing this, I began to realize that while I will struggle with this, and I will make mistakes, that this is for my good and benefit and also for the benefit of my family. That because I was given this calling, I will improve my talent of playing the piano. My children will have wholesome music in our home and it will be a blessing to us to gather around the piano and sing, much as it was a blessing for me to sing while my mom played in our home growing up. I hope that as I play that my children will come to love and appreciate music. Taylor already wants to learn the piano, but I don't know how to teach her, but maybe that will come, too. I am already seeing an improvement in the songs I've been practicing, which is good since we will be performing them in a couple of weeks. I'm still not sure how I will get all my practicing in since Rachel likes to climb on my lap and play once she hears me playing, but somehow it will come, this I believe. I am truly grateful for this opportunity and even though I do feel overwhelmed at times, I am also at peace.

Life is difficult right now, but the Lord is mindful of me and my family. He knows our needs before we do, like me getting a piano before I knew I would need it. He will strengthen us and support us if we put our trust in Him and let Him lead us. I don't know what the future will bring, but I know it will be wonderful. There is a song from The Forgotten Carols where the singer tells us that she didn't get the things she wanted, but she was given what she needed. What we think we want and what we think we need may not be what we really need, but what we get from the Lord is always for our good, even if it is something that causes us to struggle, like me stumbling through these Christmas songs.

Changes

Change is hard, even when it is good, or maybe especially when it is good. I had a few days a while ago when I really loved cleaning my house. I found joy in vacuuming and washing dishes, happiness in sweeping and folding laundry. For about 2 weeks I regularly got up early and took the dogs out for a walk/jog. I was feeling more energetic, happier and stronger, then life happens. Kids get sick, I get sick, we go out of town for the weekend and schedules get messed up. Daylight Savings time ends! Once again, I am back to my old ways. See, the thing is, the changes I was making really weren't harder to do, and they actually made me feel a whole lot better, but the hard part was mental. It was fixing my thinking and just doing. I think that 90% of the battle is just getting started, to just move! Why is it so hard to change course, though. Why is it so hard to head to the kitchen sink instead of the bookshelf, or to load the laundry instead of just shoving it into a basket? Does 20 minutes of laying in bed awake, not getting up and making me more tired really better than just getting up and walking the dog? No, but it's the getting started. So, here is to getting started!

Unexpected Blessings

Our Heavenly Father is generous and good. A few weeks ago we had a large bill come due and needed some money quickly. There was no truly easy way to come up with that amount, so we sold our piano. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done, I loved my piano. I loved how pretty it was, I loved sitting at it and hearing the notes come to life under my fingers, I love having the kids plunk out notes and discovering the wonderful world of music. I love how pretty it was mostly, though. I was a little bit prideful about my piano. I felt like it had almost become an idol in my house and I needed to prove my Heavenly Father and myself that the piano was not more important to me than my family or anything else. Now, we sold it to my brother, so it is still in the family and I can go visit it anytime I want, but it is his now, not mine.

I knew we would get another piano someday. I figured it would be a couple of years down the road, but we would get another piano. Well, I went to pick Taylor up from a friend's birthday party and the mom, out of nowhere, asked me if I wanted her piano. She had heard from another friend about my other piano and how sad I was and she had a piano that she was just using for decoration and didn't want in her house anymore, so would I like it? The piano is out of tune, missing a wheel and has a broken hammer, but other than that, it is great. It has all the same keys and will play all the same songs. Robert and one of his friends moved it in last night. It is so nice to hear the sounds of music in our house again.

Monday's Miracles

Christmas Music- I'm going to now admit that I've been listening to it for 2 weeks now, and it drives Robert nuts!

Priesthood blessings.

Pomegranates

Doritos

Carpet & Carpet Shampooers

Thoughts on running

I think I'm starting to get why runners run. We have this puppy who has a lot of energy and needs a lot of exercise. I've read that one of the best things you can do for them is to take them on walks and runs, so that opportunity has fallen mainly to me. This puppy also got sick and we were taking care of him inside, so now he believes he is an inside dog. That means house training him. I really don't want to be cleaning up puppy messes all over my house again. And this dog is a whole lot bigger, so his messes are bigger, too. One of the things that I have discovered is to take him out first thing in the morning to go for a walk/run and let him relieve himself. I would walk for a while, then jog for a while, then walk, then jog. As I was coming to the point where I would start walking after jogging, my legs felt like they were on auto-pilot and were going to keep jogging. I wondered if that is what joggers feel, that almost out of body sensation. If you know me, you know that I don't like running, I don't like sweating, and if exercise isn't also entertaining (like dancing), then I'm really not that into it. Working out with our dogs, though, has stretched me. I even ran in the rain. I can already tell a difference in my lung capacity and my heart is getting stronger, too. I am beginning to see why some people say that running is addicting. So I guess I'll keep it up. I'm a little worried how it will all work out with winter coming, though.

I Like Monday

You know, I have to admit, I actually like Monday. I like the fact that after the weekend has been crazy and not our "normal" schedule that on Monday I can take back control and feel more structured. I like the fun of Saturday and the peace of Sunday, but I like the structure of Monday, too. Monday thru Friday are fairly consistent and when I feel like so many other things in my life may be crazy, I love that these stay fairly the same. Of course there are some deviations to the day. Thursdays we have story time and occasionally I have a meeting in the evening, or a trip to town. And no matter what the past week brought, Monday is a new beginning. A new chance for me to create the kind of home that I want. I can start over on my goals. That is refreshing for me. So, even though I was at my breaking point last week, this week I'm good.

I'm There

Have you ever felt like you've just reached a point where you aren't sure if you can deal with anything anymore? That emotionally you are just spent? I am just about there. I am exhausted and I think if one more thing comes up I may just end up letting my kids raid the fridge for whatever and curl up with a book in my room and not come out for a long time. Actually, that really doesn't sound that bad right now.

The Ocean

I miss the beach. I miss the gentle breeze blowing across my face as I lay on my towel and listen to the waves crash against the shore. I miss the peace I can find as I focus on the sound of the waves and let the world slip away. I miss the smell of the salty air. I wish there was an ocean beach closer to Idaho. Maybe when California falls off into the sea.

Monday's Miracles

1. Running water
2. The freezer
3. Chickens
4. Dry Erase markers
5. The alarm on my phone

Appreciation for my Husband

I know I just posted about some of the good things in my life that included my husband, but I would love to expand on this one. I think each year that goes by and each time I visit with girlfriends, I gain a greater appreciation for my husband and our relationship. Things were rocky at times in the beginning and I had to really learn how to communicate better with him. Much of what I said was said in a way that hurt him when I didn't mean it to, but he was patient and gentle enough to let me know what I was doing and work with me as I tried to change. Sometimes I still say things the wrong way, but now I am more mindful and I am trying to be better. Ever since I have known Robert, though, he has always respect what I had to say. He really listens to what I say and often times remembers things that I've said better than I do. I really have to be careful about saying I want something, because the odds are he will remember and try to get it for me.

He has always been respectful of my feelings and moods. He may not understand why I feel the way I do or how my thought process works, but he once told me that even if he doesn't understand my feelings, they are real to me and therefore important to him. He has never tried to get me to do something I've been uncomfortable with. When we were looking to buy a house we did a lot of talking about where we would move and the kind of house we wanted. We didn't always agree and we didn't always communicate very well, but we made it though that time and we are still together. If something is bothering me or if I don't understand something then he will take the time to explain it to me. I love that.

Robert is also quite the romantic. I remember one birthday in particular. I was working that day and when he came to pick me up he told me that he had arranged a babysitter for us. I can't remember if we had one child or two, but we dropped them off with my sister-in-law and then went to our apartment. I got to take a nice, long bubble bath with no distractions while Robert cooked us a yummy dinner. We had fettuccine Alfredo with chicken and a salad. We ate this by candlelight on our little dining table. Then I got a relaxing back rub. He's the greatest, isn't he?

Being a Woman

I've been pondering a lot lately on what it means to be a woman and most especially what it means for me. I'm not just a woman, I'm a wife and a mother, a sister and an aunt. I have many titles, some of which include Homemaker, Domestic Goddess, Sister, Honey, and Mommy. What does all of that look like and what does it feel like? I know that many of these answers will look different for different people, so just remember, this is me I'm talking about here.

First off, I'm a bit of a girly girl. I don't like sweating, I don't like getting my hands dirty and I do like to dress up. I've been known to ride an emotional roller coaster on more than one occasion without having any other reason than the fact that I'm a girl. It's even worse when I'm pregnant. I'm not very good at housekeeping, but I do love to have things around me be pretty. I like doing crafts like crochet, knitting, tatting, sewing and quilting. I like to do my girls hair and put cute bows and flowers in it. I love talking on the phone or getting together with my girlfriends or sisters or mom and just visiting. I am social.

I believe that men and women are distinctly different and have separate roles in life. I do think that men are hardwired to want to provide and protect. I think that nurturing is hardwired into women. That isn't to say that women can't do as good a job as a man or that a man can't be tender and soft either. To me it means that they are different, but each important. Just as most people have hands and feet, both are important, but each has a different purpose. So it is with men and women. Each could survive without the other, but together life is just easier.

The desire of my heart is to be the best woman that I can be. To be feminine and nurturing and to be an example to my daughters of what it means to be a woman. I asked some friends what they thought of when they heard the word feminine. One friend thought of softness, gentility and grace. One friend thought more of what it looks like, make-up done, hair fixed up and cute clothes. This is what one of my friends had to say, though:
"When I think of "feminine" I think of the most early days of feminism - before it meant "the same as men" -- as opposed to "equal to." I think "feminine" is the very essence of being a woman in all ways - soft but strong, gentle as well as genteel. A woman has an immense amount of power over all the people in her lives, and I believe that a "feminine" woman wields that power wisely and in the best interests of all those over whom she holds sway."
I love that.

No where in there does it mean that someone who is feminine is weak. It doesn't mean that she can't take care of herself or do things for herself. As she said, women have power and that we can choose how we wield that power so that it is "in the best interest of all those over whom she holds sway." We can be soft and gentle without giving up our values and standards.

I also agree that there is a look that is feminine. Here is one place where it is open to interpretation, but my views are this, blue jeans are not feminine. Don't get me wrong, I love my jeans and I know that there are times that my husband thinks they look really great on me, but I don't think that sexy is the same as feminine. Pants in general are not feminine. Skirts and dresses are feminine, but not if they are too short or too revealing. Again, sexy is not the same as feminine. I know a company that strongly suggests that it's female consultants and employees wear skirts with blouses or dresses, hosiery, and pumps. In the studies that they have seen, women are more successful when they look the part of professional, feminine women. I have to agree, dressing like a girl does something to you. Does this mean I go around wearing skirts and dresses all the time, no. In truth, I would like to wear more skirts, but the ones I have right now are more of a dressy style and I don't want to be wearing them everyday. I really want to make me some skirts, but I haven't gotten around to it yet. Something that I do try to do everyday is put my make-up on. For me, when my face is put together I feel more put together. Some days I really feel like a harried housewife, but with my make-up on I know that I don't have to look like a harried housewife. Plus, when I was dating my husband I quite often wore make-up and dressed up to look nice for him. Just because we are married and he has seen me at my worst doesn't mean that I always have to look like that for him. He is still important to me and I still want to make myself look nice for him, even if he says I look beautiful no matter what. I've known women who didn't believe in cosmetics and said that they were just an artificial mask or whatever, but then I've heard quoted a man who said that even a barn needs paint. Do I think women need cosmetics, no. At least no in the sense that each woman is a beautiful daughter of God. However, I do think that often when a woman takes the time to make herself look nice, whatever that means to her, then she radiates confidence and self-esteem. For me, that includes wearing make-up. Do I look fine without make-up, yes, do I feel better when I wear it, yes. Do I paint it on so that I don't look like me, no. So, in a nutshell, dress in skirts or dresses, wear make-up to look feminine.

Now, to the role of being a nurturer. Wow, that's a big one. I view this as the primary responsibility of womanhood. For me, my view is changing every day. At one time I embraced the idea of equal in everything as far as housework went. I cooked, he did dishes. I washed the laundry and folded it, he put it away. Now my views are changing on that, however. Robert works hard each day to provide and take care of us. I view it as my responsibility to nurture him and our family and that means taking care of things inside the house. Of course I love it when he helps out, but I don't think I will be expecting it anymore. I say that but old habits die hard and I'm sure that there will be times I slip back into my old ways of thinking. My new way of thinking about it is that I love my family and this is one way I am choosing to show that love for them. So when I get irritated about doing the dishes or picking up all the books that are scattered around, I will just remember that I am showing love for my family and even if they don't realize it that maybe they will feel it. I also hope that this will allow me to feel greater peace and joy as I am vacuuming the floor or folding the laundry.

Nurture is more than housework, though. It is also taking the time to be with each child and understand their personalities and what they need. It is soothing them when they aren't feeling well, rejoicing with them when they've accomplished a difficult task, and mourning with them when they are sad. Nurturing is teaching children the important things in life, that your family loves you no matter what, that you are special and can do hard things with hard work, that the only people you really need to please are yourself and God. Nurturing is saying "no" when it is the best answer and it is saying "yes" when all you really want to do is hold them in your arms and make them stay small. Nurturing is loving those around you in the way that they need to be loved.

This is what I think it means to be a woman and this is what I am working for.

Some of the Good Things

I feel like I've been blogging and ruminating on all my troubles and confusions that I have neglected to remember all the good thing in my life. I may have a few troubles and bumps in the road, but my blessings far outweigh my trials. So, here are a couple of things that are really great about my life:

My husband. I have a wonderful husband who loves me and supports me in all that I do. He is sensitive to my emotions and needs. His very presence helps me to feel more calm. He is also a wonderful father. He plays with the kids and gets up with them in the middle of the night so that I can sleep. Yeah, Robert is a definate blessing in my life.

My children. I learn so many things from them and they bring such sunshine into my day. I sometimes forget how much fun a few sticks and rocks can be. They remind me to look at the clouds and see what shapes I can find, or the joy of just snuggling on the couch with a bunch of kids reading a book. There is something peaceful about snuggling with a child and having them fall asleep on your lap. They may bring noise into the house, but they also bring me peace.

My extended family. I am so blessed to have so much of my family close by. If I need to run errands in town then my kids can play with their cousins. There has also been more than one Sunday where the two older girls were left sitting with Grandma and Grandpa because both Robert and I were out with one of the little ones. The kids get to go out irrigating with Grandpa and they love that. My parents are a short drive away and they have helped in numerous ways, like sharing of the bounty of their garden. Add to all of that all the wonderful technology that allows us to keep in touch with family that is not close by. Telephones, the internet, and webcams have helped keep us in touch.

This beautiful spot of land where I live. It may be a struggle to get a lawn in and the wind may blow, but it is ours to do with what we want. We have fruit trees and a garden to supply us with food during the summer and fall months. We can do what we want and plant what we want here, as long as it is legal. We can have our pets, and someday we will most likely have some livestock, too. We have some of the prettiest sunrises and sunsets out here without building all over to get in the way. Without light pollution we can see millions of stars at night and it is beautiful!

My church and my testimony. This should have been the first thing on my list, but it is the one that I get the most comfort from. I know that I am a daugher of God. I know that if I put my trust in Him then life is good, maybe not in the way I think it should be, but life is good. I find peace in knowing that my Savior is always with me and that He understands what it is I am going through. I know that when I do my best, even though I'm not perfect, that He will make up the difference and help make things work out in my best interest. I know that I can have my family with me forever and that is one of the things that really matters in life. I am not always good with words, and I don't know how to explain feelings, but I do know that when I think about Jesus Christ and all that He has done for me, I'm in awe. I've had so many examples in my life where things came at what was really the best time, even though it wasn't the time I would have chosen.

So, even when the little things crowd around and make life seem super crazy, there are a couple of things that don't change and they are the things that really matter to me. There are more than what I have listed, but for now, these are some of the good things in life.

Mixed emotions

The beginning of the school year brings mixed feelings for me. My girls are so excited and I'm excited for them. They will get to reunite with old friends, make new friends, open brand new school supplies and learn new things. The hard part for me is that I don't know what is going on when they are playing on the playground. I don't know if kids are being mean, or crude, or worse. I don't know how the teacher is answering their questions about life and society and morality. I don't know what books they are reading or having read to them. I don't know all of their friends and what their homes are like. And what if I do know and I don't fully agree with something? This is a small town and little splashes make big waves.

I have a couple of friends who homeschool their children. I love the idea. I love the fact that I could be the one teaching them right and wrong, teaching them what I believe about morality and God. I love to have them near me and share with me the exciting things they find and discover. My son has discovered that blue and yellow make green and he's only 3 (he discovered this by peeing into a toilet that had a blue cleaning tablet in it). He was so excited by his discovery and I'm glad that I was there for him to tell me. Yet, even though I love the idea, I'm not ready for this.

I have to admit, when school started this year, along with all my fears and concerns, there was a little bit of relief. This past year has been difficult for me, dealing with some postpartum depression and learning to cope with and without medication. Dealing with issues concerning Robert's employment and how that has affected our family. Having thoughts and feelings challenged in numerous ways and trying to figure out what I believe and how to make the changes to my life. I'm still figuring all this out. I want to teach my children how to be happy, centered people, but I can't do that until I become more centered myself. I think that is what I am doing now. I feel guilty for handing my girls over to someone else for a large portion of their day, but for right now, for me, I need to. Someday I want all my kids home with me. I want to see them love learning and excelling in their studies. I want to watch them as they discover the world around them, but right now if I was to bring my girls home, I'm not sure I would be helping them. That is a tough pill to swallow, so I better get moving so that I am worthy of my children and ready to be that teacher that they need.

Early Mornings

This morning when Robert got up, I got up with him. It's a lot earlier than I usually get up, but I thought I'd see how it goes. I feel GREAT! I got up, ate something, read my scriptures and then went for a walk/jog. Came in, showered and got myself all ready for the day. I've already got a load of laundry washed and in the dryer and I just feel so ahead. I love this feeling.

There is something good to be said about getting up early and getting going. I don't mean getting up and then lazing around in your comfy jammies, but getting up and starting your day. I know that I get more done in the first part of the day than I seem to get done in the later part of the day. I don't know why that is, but that is what happens in my house. Yet even though I know this, I've told myself enough times that I don't like to get up that my brain believes that and fights me when I try to get up early. I need to re-program my thinking. I love mornings and I love greeting the day bright and early!

In the World, but not of it

I read a book recently that took place in the time of Christ. One of the prominent groups of people during that time were the Pharisees. The Pharisees made it their life's work to study the law of Moses and to observe it strictly. They believed that by doing this they were doing God's will. Yet, they became so focused on making sure that they were following every jot and tittle that they lost the reason for the Law. The Law was given so that man might draw closer to God.

I wonder if sometimes we get so caught up in doing what's "right" or giving up things that are "worldly" that we forget the why. Are we become zealous in giving up the world for God that we lose sight of Him?

There were also the Zealots in the time of Christ that wouldn't believe he was the Messiah because he preached peace and forgiveness. They believed that the Messiah would come with sword in hand and call the Jews to take up arms and overthrow their Roman captors. They believed they also were doing right by fighting the Romans. They, too, were trying to follow scripture, but with the wrong idea also.

Do we also try to go about following Christ, but end up not understanding what he really means? I think it is very easy to do something for the right reasons and then continue doing it for the wrong ones.

As I ponder this, I wonder, where is the point where I need to be? There are so many good things in this world. Some are better than others and of course some are the best. I think each person would agree that they have a color or ice cream flavor or brand of something that they view as "best". So what is best for me may not be best for someone else. Still, some things are standard good. Healthwise, smoking is not good, we know that. Breads, pasta and meats are better, but fruits and vegetables are best. As to things of this world, some things I believe are just trash. There are a lot of television shows that I feel are pointless and degrading. We don't have cable or satelite or anything like that. We do occasionally watch movies, but even then, some are better than others. The same things goes for books, some are just garbage. They have no moral code or plot or are just twisted around so that wrong is right and right is wrong. I won't read those. Others are fine, they have nothing wrong with them, but they aren't really good either, they are just something to read. And then you have books that are engaging, teach a lesson and make you think. Those are some of the ones that I've enjoyed the most. I've begun to look at the things I read and watch differently.

I heard the phrase once that if you aren't moving forward then you are going backwards. The world is constantly going and if you aren't, then you will be falling behind. So, even if I think I'm not doing anything wrong, if I'm not doing something right then I'm going backwards, or falling behind. I realize that we all need down time, but is that down time still lifting me up and helping me be a better person, or is it just keeping me where I am, in which case, I'm not going forward and I'm falling behind? Is this book/movie/blog/activity that I am spending my time on enriching my life or not? While I am occupied with this book/movie/blog/activity, how do I feel? Do I feel good and uplifted or do I feel down, angry, bitter or confused? Does it bring me happiness and joy, or is it a rush that will lead to a crash and burn later?

I feel like my thoughts are random and scattered, but I have a hard time putting words to the emotions in my heart. I strive to be better than I am. I strive to know what is best for my family. I believe that there are many good ideas out there and if done for the right reasons and with the right attitude can be a really positive thing in someones life, but I also know that if done for the wrong reason and with the wrong attitude, they can lead to bitterness, hurt, and damaged relationships. I think it's a hard balance to find and I also think that once you know what is good and what is not, then you are responsible for making those changes and you will be held accountable for your decisions. Change can be hard and it can be uncomfortable, but the right changes will eventually turn out good and bring happiness and joy, this I believe.

Happy/Sad

I am so excited for my sister and her little family to begin their latest adventure, but I'm really sad that my best friend is moving away.

My sister and I haven't always been the greatest of friends, in fact, for a long time she was my biggest pest! But that was a long time ago. It seems like she's always just kinda been there fairly close. I shared a room with her almost as long as I can remember growing up. After she graduated she moved to the same town I was living in and I would take my kids over and visit with her, or she would come visit me. At one point in time she lived with me until she got married, and then she only moved 2 doors down. It's true, I moved away first, but I still saw her just about every week, so I wasn't really gone, but now she will be.

I am excited for the opportunity my brother-in-law has to go to law school. The two of them will finally get some time together without family always coming around and butting in. I've heard that Missoula is really pretty and is a nice place to live. I know that my sister can find friends wherever she goes, she just has that spunk!

On the other hand, I'm really going to miss dropping by to see her when I go to town. I'm going to miss dragging her along shopping with me because I don't want to take all four kids by myself, or better yet, leaving the kids with her at her house while I go shopping by myself. I know my kids are going to miss having sleep-overs at her house. Their aunt and uncle spoil them rotten and are so much fun! I'm going to miss dragging her to meetings with me to be my "guest" because I just didn't want to go by myself. There are a million other things that I am going to miss also, but mostly, I'm just going to miss her presence. She won't be that far away, but it's the farthest away she will be since we actually became friends, along with being family :) Thank goodness for telephones and for fast automobiles.

stress-free zone

We finally have our desktop computer back. I have really missed it. My pictures go up so much easier and it is more comfortable for me to type at. It also has more of an "office" feel to it, which can be nice. So, now I'm catching up on things. I put all of my pictures off my camera onto the the computer. I am in the process of adding them to blog posts. I am also catching up on other things online since our lap top decided to have issues with me.

So, what have I been up to? Well, besides all the family camping and stuff, not much. I've been thinking lately about the way some people react to stress. I know some people who just face it head on and work their way through it. I know others who would like to ignore it and pretend that everything is normal, there's no stress, and still others who run and hide. I am somewhere between the ignoring and running and hiding variety. I know that the best way to get through something difficult is to just face it and get it over with, but that doesn't always make it easier. When I am faced with something unpleasant my first thought is "where can I hide so I don't have to deal with this?" Depending on the task I can quickly talk myself into just getting it over with, or I do "hide" by playing computer games or getting absorbed into a book. In the end, though, both of those things end. A game doesn't last forever and I've yet to find a never ending book, so I'm back facing the real world. Sometimes my respite is enough for me to put things in perspective, but most times all it did was delay the inevitable.

I'm sure knowing all this will help me someday, but all the knowing in the world does no good unless it is put into action.

Getting through the Summer

This summer has gone way too fast! It's already July and it feels like it just started. I don't think I've done half of what I wanted to get done this summer. I do feel better that we have a lawn and our garden is in. I only hope that we can get something from it. The cooler weather has slowed the growth of a lot of the garden. As for me, many days I feel like I'm just trying to keep my head above water. I try not to compare myself to other moms, but a lot of times I do. I wonder "how do they keep their houses so clean? How do they seem to have time to do x, y, and z? How do they have it all together?" Of course, I don't see their day to day and many of the mom's I'm comparing myself too have children that are in different stages than mine. The other day I spent probably 8 out of 10 hours in the kichen/dining room area of my house. I tell you what, when Robert got home, I wanted nothing to do with that room! Between dishes and cooking and trying to find where the funny smell was coming from in the pantry, I was tired. I also spent time helping Taylor with a project at the kitchen table.

I have been trying to de-clutter my house. I have come to the conclusion that we have too much stuff and it's taking up space and making my house feel cluttered. I don't know what to do with it and it is seriously stressing me out. If things don't have a place and they get piled on the counter, or table, or dresser then my house looks cluttered and that is not a peaceful feeling. So, I went through my books. I took out a lot of books. Ones that were good, but I'd probably never read again, ones that if I wanted to read I could check out from the Library, but maybe didn't need to have. I also went through a lot of the kids books. They are growing older and I think they should have more advanced books. One or two books on counting is good, we don't need 5. I can point out objects in all kinds of pictures, so I don't need books that say what pants are or what a tree is. Rachel loves to look at family pictures and I can point out just as many things in those that I don't need an extra book on the shelf. Robert also went through a lot of his books. We went through our movies and took a lot out. Honestly, I don't want that much t.v. and I don't like the kids watching too much because then they get mean if I turn it off. The kids also have too many clothes. When they can't close their drawers and won't put their clothes away because they have no where for the clothes to go, then there are too many. So, we went through and picked out the things they wear the most and got rid of the things that they don't ever or hardly ever wear. Now they have more room in their dresser to put their clothes away and I have less laundry to wash. We still need to go through their toys. I am hoping that by selling their toys at a yard sale and letting them get something with the money then they will be less hesitant to part with their things. Something that we have been enjoying lately is audio books and I would like to encourage them to put their money towards that, or to save it for a big family trip sometime in the future.

Monday Miracles

1. Boxes- Do you know what you can do with a box? Depending on the size, you pack stuff in it, or empty, a box can become a boat, a rocket, a house, or a dolly swimming pool. Yes, boxes are wonderful.

2. Q-tips- So good for so many things.

3. Marble- You can take this rock and make countertops, cutting boards, rolling pins, use it in architecture, and besides being strong, it's beautiful.

4.Trees- You get paper for books, wood for the fire, logs to build houses, yes, trees are a miracle.

5. Cherries- Yum

Racing

So, I'm kinda thinking that I want to run a 5K. I want to have something to work for and I want to improve my cardiovascular health, and I've heard running is good for that. I have some friends we recently ran a 5K and I really admire them and wonder if I even could? I think I could. We usually go down to Utah for the 4th of July weekend and they have a 5K and 10K race in the morning and last year my SIL ran the 5K while her husband ran the 10K. I was very impressed. Of course, if I'm really going to do this, I probably should do some running before then, right? Looking at my schedule, that means probably in the mornings before Robert leaves for work. Luckily it is light then, but man, I am not sure about getting up earlier. It would probably be good for me, though, so I think I should just suck it up and go for it. Yeah, that's what I'll do, just go for it. Anyone have any advice?

My Coffee Table

One of the goals that I've had for a while is to re-do my coffee table. I didn't like the color of the design and I wanted to make it more my own to fit my tastes. I had this idea in my head, but I needed Robert's help with it and we finally found some time for him to do what I needed. I think it looks pretty good. I didn't have enough of the resin that fills in the middles of the tables, so I'm waiting on some of that, but it is usable now and I like it!


I didn't get any of the resin on the matching end table, but it is all ready. I think they are going to look so amazing when they are all done.

Media Diet

Listening to some talks a while ago and also reading some things I realized that I spent way too much time with my electronic media. Too much time on the computer, too much time on the phone, too much time with the radio and the t.v. So, I decided to go on a media diet. I allowed myself a few minutes in the morning and at night to get online, but I cut out a lot of the fluff stuff that I used to do, including any games that I played. I turned off the radio in the car and didn't turn on my itunes in the house. T.v. hasn't ever been really big, so we didn't do too much changing there and the same goes for the phone.

I started this a few weeks ago and it has been interesting. The first thing I noticed is that I went through withdrawals from my music. Now, I know many people who will say music isn't bad and what is the harm of having it on during the day? Also, much music can be uplifting and inspiring, and I completely agree, but with all the background noise of the music, I was missing a lot of what my kids were saying and doing. I began to hear other things that I hadn't noticed before. The same thing went with traveling in the car. It was a lot easier to hear what the kids were trying to tell me and I didn't have to say "wait until this song is done" or "I just want to finish listening to what they have to say on the radio". Instead, we talked and sang songs. It was more of a bonding experience than previously. And then in the quiet moments, I had time to think and reflect and that was nice.

The computer ended up not being has hard to let go of as I thought it would be. I have just kept myself busy doing other things. Things like reading books to the kids, picking up the house, putting together puzzles, and going outside if the weather is nice. I found that I really haven't missed out on too much if I only take a few minutes in the morning and evening. There have been a few times during the day when I have needed to look something up and I've turned the computer on, but those times have been the exception rather than the rule, and once I'm done, I turn the computer off. Our home has been better since I quit ignoring the kids so that I could play a game or mindlessly surf for things I didn't need.

This has been an interesting experience. I think it is something that I am going to keep doing. I guess if we want more music in our home, we will have to make it ourselves, maybe that will inspire me to practice the piano a little more ;)

Monday Miracles

1. Hot running water
2. Kitchen Tables
3. Warm Sweatshirts
4. Fuzzy socks
5. Pillowtop mattresses

Getting Fit

I have a drive to be more fit.... well, sorta. I have a desire that I am trying to turn into a drive. I want to not only be thinner, but I want to have more muscles. I want to be able to not only fit into my old jeans, but also be able to keep up with my kids and do things around my place. We are starting our own little personal farm here and you know what, it's a lot of work! We have trees to prune and water. In the fall there is fruit to harvest. We have a garden that needs taking care of. I finally got a lawn, but that means watering and mowing. I still want some flowers around the place and I need to get out and do that. Plus, there are fences to mend and all kinds of other stuff that Robert mainly does, but I don't want him to have to do it all after working a long day at his job.

So, to be healthier and more fit is a many faced project. I need to get more physical exercise. I'm learning a lot about exercise. There is cardio, which serves one purpose, and strength, which serves another purpose, and you need both to be optimally fit. And don't forget to stretch! Now, activity in any form is good, but if I want to kick it up and be able to move and lift things that are kinda heavy, I need to kick things up a notch.

Another part of being healthier is diet. No, I don't mean eating only cabbage soup for a week. I mean diet is all the things that you do eat. Diet should be a balance of all kinds of things. Food converts to energy which gives you strength to go about your day, but it also supplies vitamins and minerals that help to keep you healthy, or not. Some foods don't have those good things in them. Those are foods you should avoid. Notice the word "should". I have some foods that I really like, that aren't really that great for me. If I don't have those foods in the house then I do pretty good, but if they are around, well, I eat them. Not only do I eat them, I have a tendency to hoard them. I don't want to share and therefore I eat almost all of them. So, in order to not eat some of those things that are not so great for me, I try to keep good things around me. If I'm the only one doing the shopping then we are okay, but if I try to take others, or if others do it because I'm unable to make it to the store, then it's harder.

Being fit and healthy shouldn't just be a phase, it should be a lifestyle. It should be good habits and attitudes. If you have bad habits and attitudes, though, it can be hard to change. I am discovering this as a family. As I offer different choices to my kids they are not so grateful for my consideration to their health. I don't know why they are rebelling over certain things all of a sudden, but they are. One child doesn't like peanut butter so trying to put peanut butter in celery for her, she won't touch it. She also doesn't like beans, and I do quite a bit of cooking with beans. My son barely touches any vegetables, no matter how many times we put them in front of him or how many different ways we fix them to be appealing. I'm hoping that by growing some of our own vegetables this summer that it might help.

The hardest part of any journey is starting. So here is to a great start for the summer and the rest of my life! I WILL strengthen my body, I WILL eat nutritious foods, I WILL set a good example for my kids.

Monday's Miracles

I haven't done these in a while and I am feeling a little ungrateful.

1. Warm showers
2. Dirt
3. Ceiling fans
4. Chickens
5. Revelation

Insecurities

I am an insecure person. Whenever I hear of someone having a bad day or having their feelings hurt, I'm always worried that it was me. You see, I'm not very good with words. I can debate and argue okay, but conversations and trying to explain my heart, not so good. My words trip all over themselves and I just know that my intent is not coming across, so then I talk some more and it just ends up just getting more and more confused.

I had some good friends when I was in high school and college that for reasons I don't fully understand came to really hate me. One such person told how she wanted to smother me with a pillow and watch the life flow out of me. She was someone I really trusted and I don't know what happened to change our relationship. So now I fear getting close to anyone, even though I crave the closeness.

There is a part of me that tries to tell myself that I am doing the best I can. Yes, I will make mistakes, but I would never intentionally hurt anyone. All I can do is try my best to be a good friend and hope others see that. I try to tell myself that if I am trying my best to live my life full of integrity then what others think shouldn't bother me, but it does. I second guess what I've done and think of how I could have done things differently. They say hindsight is 20/20.

One of the things I've noticed about myself is that I want to make sure everything is okay. I want to be involved with everything my friends are involved in so that I can know what is going on and try to make their lives easier. Of course I can't do that. It tends to be viewed as butting in, and nobody likes that. So in the end, I end up creating what I fear. I hope one day to have the knowledge and wisdom to be a good friend. To know when to speak and when to keep quiet. Also, to be able to articulate my thoughts and feelings accurately.

New Job

Robert has a new job. What a relief. It is for a new company that is starting up. They will be doing landscaping and also have their own nursery. He will be working year round, which will be good. The job is a little farther away, but the location has all sorts of conveniences. He will be closer to a lot of family, closer to Costco, closer to the library. His commute may end up taking twice as long simply because I may end up giving him a list of "honey-dos". This will be a new adventure for us and I hope that we are up to the challenge :)

It's Tuesday!

Life, life, life. The snow is just about all gone, which is good. It also meant that we had a LOT of mud. Most of that is now dried, thank goodness. I was feeling like I could never keep my entry ways clean from all the mud everyone was dragging in. I decided to make a rug to put in the front entryway to maybe help with the mud. So, I am making a braided rag rug. It is turning out pretty cute so far. I did have to take a bunch of it out and re-do it because I was sewing it too tightly and it wouldn't lay flat. I think I am about half way done.

In walking outside we realized that our peach tree was attacked by mice and they ate all the bark around it for about 3 inches high. No peaches for us. Some of the other trees had small bits of bark taken off, but they should be okay. I love when the flowers start opening, it smells so good. It's still too cold for that, but soon......

We also discovered once the snow was gone, how much of a mess our dogs made. They got into some garbage sacks and now we have trash all over the back yard. It's time to break out the rakes and gloves and get it all cleaned up. I am super excited to see what changes we will be making to our yard this year. It is so much fun to see the before and after pictures.

I am doing okay. Life has been a little crazy this winter and we've had a lot of ups and downs, but we have been so blessed! Somehow we have made things work when we weren't sure how we were going to do it. We have had guardian angels watching over us and some great family standing beside us and supporting us. We have some more changes that are going to be affecting our family here soon. Robert is heading up right now to quit his job. He has had some other offers and will not be going back to the company he has been working for. Now we have to decide which of the offers will be best for our family. That means a lot of prayer for us in the next little while as to what decision would be better.

Love Languages

I just found out my love language, it's Quality Time. I also found out Robert's. I knew that it would be one of two so it wasn't a big surprise when I asked him and had it confirmed. The thing is, it's not mine. Just great, I need to learn a new "language". And wouldn't you know, it's in an area that I am pretty weak in. So now I have two choices, I can either ignore it and go back to the way things were and feel lots of guilt, or I can work on making this area of my life stronger. That's the problem with gaining knowledge, it only means something if you apply it.

Lessons from the Bedside

We have been trying to let Rachel learn to go back to sleep on her own. In other words, we let her cry for a while instead of picking her up everytime she makes a sound. This has led to less sleep at night for many of us. Rachel still sleeps in her crib in our room. The crib is right next to my side of the bed. At night she will wake up, stand up by me and scream at me. I will do whatever I can to soothe her short of actually picking her up and putting her in bed with me. This includes holding her hand, speaking soothingly to her or rubbing her head (she likes that for some reason). I know the whole time she is standing there screaming at me she is wondering why on earth I'm not picking her up and what it is that I'm doing. She just doesn't understand that I'm trying to help her sleep through the night by herself. She doesn't know that I want her to learn and develop skills to take care of herself instead of always relying on me. I'm there to help her and support her, but I'm not going to put her back to sleep anymore.

This got me thinking about my own life. I wonder what things I'm standing there screaming about while my Heavenly Father is holding my hand and trying to speak soothing words to me that I don't hear because I'm screaming? What lessons do I have to learn that will be good for me in the end that I don't want to learn because it isn't as easy? How long until I gain those skills to let go of the hand and listen and learn? I hope that I can become a quick learner, because Rachel sure is taking her time learning to fall back asleep, or maybe it just seems that way because I'm missing out on my sleep.

No more sugar!

I am going off sugar, well mostly. Even though I have lost inches, the numbers on the scale haven't moved. Add to that the fact that I really like sugar, so I binge and crash and then get really cranky. Sugar overload also has a tendency to make me feel depressed and worthless, so I should probably let go of it. I will still eat natural sugars, but this is harder than I thought.

Sugar is in a lot of things. Even something as simple as craisins are coated in sugar. As for breakfast cereals, well, my choices are limited. I have been having Cream of Wheat with honey and dried fruit and it's pretty good. Or, eggs and toast. I have been able to resist the jello and pudding that my kids are fond of making these days. Robert also has not made cookies in like a week, so that has helped.

I am really hoping to be able to stabilize my moods, though. I don't like being a cranky parent, and I don't like feeling bad. Maybe this combined with eating better foods will help with that.

Bragging a bit

Okay, so I need to brag on myself a little bit. I started working out with a few friends a couple of months ago. We've been pretty consistent in our work outs. Monday thru Friday if there is school. I've missed a couple due to sick kids or needing to go to town or whatever, but I make it most of the time. I've noticed small changes here and there, but all those small changes are really starting to add up. I'm not sure that my weight is going down so much right now, but I am still losing inches around my middle and backside. Also, the other day I noticed that I have muscle definition in my legs! I was so excited about that. The best thing of all, though, I actually go through work-out withdrawals if I miss too many. I still don't necessarily like working out and I still don't like to sweat, but I love challenging my muscles and becoming fit. I think by the time summer comes around I'm going to need a whole new wardrobe because my clothes may all be to big :)

Reflecting

I guess it's that time of year when we tend to reflect on what we've done and what we want to do. I posted some goals this past year and I'm happy to say that most of them got accomplished. Not only one room got painted, but 3 this past year. I got Michael's baby blanket done. My sister helped me with Rachel's. I haven't gotten her name on it, but she is able to use it and cuddle with it. I managed to get a garden in and I harvested an eggplant. It might not have been as good a garden as I wanted, but it was better than last year and I know that next year will be even better. I misjudged the amount of squares needed for the curtains in my kitchen, so I have one curtain done and need to make another one. But I did make some good progress on it. As my finishing my hooded sweater, well, I'm not sure I want to do that one anymore. Part of me wants to take it apart and find another use for the yarn. I guess that is why I haven't finished that one. As for my coffee table, well, I need some help with that one and I haven't found a time to get the help I need. It will be on this coming years list again, I think.

All in all, I feel pretty good about what I got done this past year. Along with those goals that I did finish, I also had a baby, did a bunch of miscelaneous sewing projects, read some books, planted some bulbs so I can have pretty flowers in the spring. We also planted a bunch of grass this summer, which means mowing the yard, and taking care of our fruit trees.

I heard a story about a woman who wrote up her New Year's Resolutions and within about 3 weeks had broken all of them, so then she tore those up and came up with some new ones. They included forgiving her children when they drive her up a wall and hoping that her children will do the same for her, not gaining 20 lbs during the year, and recoginizing the progress that she does make. I like that, especially the last one. So many times I get caught up in what I haven't done that I forget all of the good things that I have done. I had the opportunity to get some counseling this summer and one of the exercises that I was challenged to do was everytime I found myself telling myself that I was a nobody that I was to counter that with 4 reasons why that wasn't true. Maybe I do have dirty dishes in the sink, but it's because I cooked a healthy meal that nourished my family. Not everyone may like me, but I do have friends who love me and confide in me. If they feel safe around me then obviously I'm not a nobody.

We all have many things to be greatful for and many talents that make us who we are. All I can do is strive each day to be the best I can.